SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

GOD'S CREATIVE CHOREOGRAPHY as experienced by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

I apologize in advance for the squishy words and lack of spacing/paragraph breaks, but let us forge ahead: first: if I gave you a couple lines of lyrics... You would be able to change them up in such a way to make them sound.. Country, or rock n' roll or rap or jazz or gospel, etc. -write. The exact same lyrics can be provided a tone/sound/melody, And by changing the delivery.. Pace, etc. You can identify different genres of music. same with scripts.. Same words, delivered in different tones/paces can be made to sound either dramatic or funny, or nervous or confident, etc. There are moods and tones... And identifiable interpretations. In this way... The same thing can be said about life experiences. The exact same life experience can be described with a secular, or faith-full tone, melody; interpretation. My mind these days defaults to a Christian interpretation of all my life experiences, but at all times, with effort, I can see things also from the secular... And the longer I live.. And The more bible I study, church I attend, church I watch on tv, -the less and less the secular interpretations make sense. So, while what I'm about to share can be interpreted in a variety of ways.. I will present it as, well... God is just showing off; that's all there is to it. And if you're ever looking for a great example of dissonance: here you go: an unfortunate matter put me in a position to decide whether or not I would drive to San leandro. (from very recent prior blog, we know my brain tells me to stay the F away from San leandro to avoid a debilitating depression which I know will set in). Let me pause a moment here also: often times we know in advance the result a certain experience will have on us... If I opt to see a scary movie.. I know in advance the result will be that I'll be more jumpy for a while.. If I walk in a bakery.. I know in advance that my cravings for sweets will be stronger.. On and on, etc., etc. Knowing can help prepare; but not prevent. Follow? So, I've known in advance I would have to battle depression if i went for any length of time to San leandro. But I went. -for an unfortunate reason. I thought to myself... Why? On God's green earth am I here for this crap... But I haven't been here to see my mom? -dissonance at its peak- if my understanding of that word is correct. Because now, I can't rest until I go see my mom... "if I'm going to San leandro for any reason at all... Let's make it a positive, life affirming one...". -for those who don't know... All my visits since my mom moved to San leandro, have taken place in my neighborhood/city, not hers. k. So I go... Me, my kids, and we have a wonderful visit! Let me throw in some Christian, God at work interpretations: the unfortunate thing had to have taken place 1st in order to get me to San leandro at all. Once there.. Dissonance kicked in, then, in an unusual break from a very long pattern of regular out of town visits.. My mom will be home instead of out of town, which even allows for my visit... And my kids, on the one day I go, are also unusually available to join me, AND! Despite my very unpredictable work schedule I have the day off... This is a great example also of that saying, "..all the planets aligned..." the initial trip to San leandro, which resulted in the dissonance required to inspire a trip to see my mom, my mom at home/available, me available, my kids available: green light, green light, green light; go! Now! Wonderful visit, no doubt about it. A breakthrough, let's say... But remember what I said earlier... Knowing in advance helps prepare, but not prevent. The battle began pretty immediately. I'm fascinated by how this whole depression thing takes place.. To capture it, I must describe myself as I was for days, and weeks, and months, and years before my visit to my mom: namely.. I had what I'll describe as a strong life force.. /very hard earned by the way... But an example might be, MUSIC! DANCING! ALWAYS MOVING TO MUSIC! So, one of the most pronounced ways my life force is consistently demonstrated is in how I consistently listen to music, dance to music while I'm driving from here to there.. Moving happy and free to my favorite songs... and even on the drive back home... My brain rejected music. Rejected. Did not want to hear, could not tolerate the sound of... Even my most favorite dance songs... The exact same songs, that only hours prior brought me great joy and energy. So, depression it steals that life force... And the other thing that happened.. Is that the 2nd most important thing after air to breathe, became my need to be alone. Here's where the planets align again, because... Handsome prince's place had family... The house where I rent a room had family visiting from out of town, -two places that ruined my chances of being alone.. My sisters place had family... But! My exhusband's home was... The only place I could be alone. He was out of town with the kids.. And was kind enough to provide what escalated to a mandatory retreat... It seemed so important to be alone. Mostly to avoid the requirement of conversation with people.. depression sucks out energy like an industrial vacuum. Small talk becomes incredibly taxing... So, my rejected my favorite music, and I had zero energy to give to others. And I was terribly sad.. Cried randomly. Felt nauseaus but never threw up.. Stared at the tv without actually watching or hearing.. Ate food but didn't enjoy textures or flavor.. Screamed to no one, to everyone, "This is exactly why I didn't want to go! No one can hear me! No one understands!" ... Cried some more. Fought ugly memories. Prayed. Every once in a while I would take my temperature, so to speak.. Nope. Brain still rejecting my favorite song. And that somehow became my measuring stick... Like, once my brain enjoys that song again... I'll know everything will be okay. My sister and kids came to visit.. I forced my way through polite, necessary conversation.. I returned a few text messages and calls. Nothing from an internal place of genuine care; everything out of obligation. ..and my life force, I'm happy to report, was returned to me within FOUR! Days... I would never have believed it! Not on day 1... Not on day 2... Not on day 3... Not even on day 4. Only when I found myself turning on the radio again... And turning up the volume... And moving to the music on day 5 did I realize... And I just smiled toward the heavens.. And have already made Plans to return to my moms in San leandro.. Knowing to prepare for battle, but delighted in how short that battle will be... Not years, or months or weeks... DAYS! And how often it feels like whatever the day is like, it will be that way forever... But everything passes.. And so, I realize, even though not too long ago i was fine with and determined never to return... God has liberated me from yet ANOTHER form of bondage... That list is sure getting impressive. -and I'd like to close, with this.. Which in the moment seemed stupid and ridiculous, but write now, just seems like a sweet scene.. If viewed from the proper angle: when I saw my handsome prince again.. And it was just the two of us, and it was late at night... From a place inside me I know but don't understand.. Well, suddenly, out of somewhere but nowhere.. The next most important thing in the whole wide world seemed to be that I get a new pink toothbrush.. -write now. And he tried to sell me on the idea of a toothbrush that had been opened but never actually used.. But, no. It just seemed I could not live into the next day without a bran new, in the package, my very own.. Pink toothbrush. And despite the late night hour, his own justifiable exhaustion from his long day and the unjustifiable request I was making.. He went to the grocery store and got me my very own, bran new, in the package, pink (and came with a blue one too) beautiful toothbrush. And that is only one of many, many reasons he's my handsome prince. "thank you Jesus!" -amen.

posted by SHE @ 10:12 AM