SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

No stranger to financial hardships, that's for sure -shares (me!) ~topps

 oh, honey..  i know about financial hardships!  i will just skip to a memory that captures my experience:

i am divorced, two children, and spousal support was terminated  (2009 represents hardest time)

i am renting a room, working three jobs..    hourly wage does not even come close to taking care of living expenses

i have to save!   -save for who knows how long to take both of my young children to the movies

so excited to offer this when a movie comes out at theaters that all the kids want to see  (and all of their friends had already seen) 

hiding my struggles from my children, not wanting them to experience my stress..

so i say to them..   "i want to take you two to the movies!"   -all proud and excited..

and then they look at me, so happy..   "can i bring my friend too..."

and i could feel in that moment..  my entire insides collapse.  i only had enough money to get just us 3 tickets, and had pre-purchased $1/each candy from courtyard marriott because the price of treats at the movies was out my reach

but i could not let them know

"well, 

ummmm,  ok.. let me think about this for a minute..   

....,  i wonder...    do you think it would be okay, well, if i pick them up..   i can pick them up and drive them and bring them home...

but, they're going to have to buy their own ticket okay... "      i had to make certain in advance that i would not end up at the box office window for tickets, and then tell the kids 'sorry, i cant get you in'

****

my memories of not being able to provide.. not being able to keep up;  my memories of working so, so hard just to rent a room, but share that room with boxes, because i could not afford both a room for rent and storage at the same time.

these memories are still fresh, and still make me cry..

   -some make me laugh too..

like, 

my thursday nights at barones, music under the stars..   the very thing that help me keep my sanity.. live music, outdoors, fresh air, i love to dance!  i was surrounded by 100's of slightly intoxicated happy dancing people; a wonderful vibe..   gave me strength for the days and week ahead; refueled me.

i suppose people might not guess, -watching me smile, dance, enjoy pride n' joy live.. or entourage..  some of the best bands the bay area has to offer..

i suppose no one would have guessed or imagined, 

but, 

they have a cover charge.  it has changed over the years, but, i think it was $10 at the time, 

and i will not forget, how one day..

i went to the ATM machine..

and for those of you who have never had financial struggles, you would never think much about this, 

but with ATM bank machines, the lowest amount you can take out

$20.

i did not even have $20

so i walked inside U.S. Bank, on main street in Pleasanton, and stood in line to see Cynthia

-she knew me..  my sister, our families, our ex-spouses, our bios.. 

and she knew our financial situation

but she didn't seem judgmental; she seem to understand

"well, guess what..   i can't even use my card.. i think i have $12 though..  and i need it for the barones cover...    -wipe me out to zero!   i want it all...  "

   -danced the night away..   (wow! im still so grateful to all the dance circle friends..  motown..)

and locked eyes with Cynthia a few times from across the dance floor.  She was there too!  We could exchange smiles and winks..

and for those of you who have never experienced anything like this..

many of us have.

that's why this song became as popular as it did (as it is).   not only does it have an awesome dance beat

but it is a kind of anthem.     "...knew my rent was gon' be late about a week ago, i worked my ass off, but i still can't pay it though... but i got just enough, to get up in this club, have me a good time, before my time is up   hey! let's get it now.."

"Thank You!" for writing it.  -still a favorite

And fast-forward several years..

It is on the dance floor at barones where I met Robert,  my sexy..     and i was renting a room at the time..   and my hair was short, and all white/gray, i had let it go natural for several reasons, but one of them was financial  

that's why i love this song too   "they say that time takes a toll on a body, makes a young girl's brown hair turn gray, but, honey, i don't care, i ain't in love with your hair, and if it all fell out, i'd love you 

anyway.."  we have many conversations, my sexy and i, many conversations.. trying to figure out the how/when/what/why's of this cost of living/wage gap/inflation/homelessness

                do you think.. when credit cards..  loans..  

and everyone could live outside of their means..?

no one..   no one on either political side, of any faith..  no one can stand it when they know people who are capable of working, do not work, and accept handouts.

but, we have a large population not looking for handouts..  hard working people!  willing to work people!  multiple jobs people!      -still can't keep food on the table, or gas in their cars..

everyone sees the extremes happening..  the way rich.. the way poor..     at first slowly..  but, like technology itself, it is happening faster and faster..

stepping over the sick and poor; to open the mansion door..

and, i remember learning, long ago..  about how unique the united states was for creating a middle class..

and, i just know we can do better!   but when i consider these tiny homes..

and i just know! the problem is economic..    

and i just know! that if we don't address the problem from an economic/fiscal standpoint..

then, 

a decade from now..    the united states will not be unique at all.   and it will go on record for destroying the middle class, and creating a tiny class

    -how can the absolute most amount of people thrive..  without exceeding resource/infrastructure tipping points       -under what 'ism'?

it is not 'capitalism, socialism, marxism, communism..

we need a brand new 'ism' for our times.

   Calling out to Jesus..   the chain-breaker, the pain-taker, the way-maker!   hallelujah & amen. 

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 9:29 AM