SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Pillow Talk with (sexy! & tops!)

 true; there are the occasions we get to wake up, have our coffee, watch our spiritual tv shows and talk about God, sports, the activities of the day; everything we are looking forward to..  

and it is also true, 

that we have to wake up and on the occasions it is germane due to an email, phone call, or legal correspondence of one kind or another

we have to talk about death; murder; jail; court trials; evil in general..

keep in mind, these conversations are taking place between robert (my sexy) who served for 27+ years as a deputy; so he brings certain experience/insights that no layperson can bring/understand...

and myself..   kidnapped/raped by three different predators; plus bullies; inside a bank when it was arm-robbed..     so, i bring certain life experiences/insights from a victim's point of view; from a survivor of the most severe PTSD..

and keep in mind, we are both Christians..    we are on the same page spiritually speaking, and worth repeating here; and worth repeating often..

to the extent we let cynthia's murder pre-occupy our thoughts with anger, vengeance, upset..   if we were to let the anger ruin our peace, love, harmony as a couple..

if we were to try and numb with alcohol, drugs, or excess of any kind.. 

any of these things, these negative/self-destructive responses would be equivalent to the enemy claiming even more territory

we will do no such thing.

we are fighting the good fight of faith.  and our love, peace, harmony..  the grace we are receiving from God; keeping God first every. single. day.

staying in prayer..

talking openly, candidly.. when relevant; necessary.. but not every day all the time.. drowning in it

   -going on about our lives..  blessed to be a blessing; favored; anointed;

    -comforted    [Matthew 5:4]    [Isaiah 41:10]  

***

and so, once again, we are doing all that the crisis demands:

ryan   -after 2 years; has pleaded not guilty.    there is a court date (which may stand, or may be rescheduled) in january 2022.

there are 5 siblings alive each responding in their own way

      -but is any sibling, ready? to sit in a court.. and see very traumatizing pictures of their sister, who was beat to death by her son (their nephew).

and yet this would be a requirement; if you were to chose to go to court..   

if you go; you    -your heart; your soul; your spirit..   

    -the strength required!    only God..  only God's grace, love, mercy

i can see how easily this trauma has the potential to steal peace in anyone's heart and home..  to unsettle; fester..    to fill a heart and home with anger..   pitting each other against..   

mainly, i agree with robert..     let's not go.    -why self- inflict  even more trauma, by volunteering to go. it is not legally mandated

it is in the legal system's hand now; so to speak..

so unless a specific personal testimony is required; a subpoena

our healing can continue if we do not go; or we risk healing setbacks; healing stagnation as a result of re-visiting this evil, horrific, brutal murder

every re-visit requires a new strength; more energy to overcome; keep peace; move forward

    -talk about spiritual warfare!

[Ephesians 6:11]

one sibling's response  "he's not getting off that easy..   he's going to have to look me in the eye!"

and i want to speak to what i've learned over the years about that..

       -when you have a basically healthy human being, and they do something horribly wrong, and you 'look them in the eye'    -that person is, in most cases,  -convicted and/or condemned

    -from that look;  eye to eye..   and in a healthy human being, that look does actually have an impact.

and it has an impact on/for both the look-er; and the look-ee.

***

in this case, it is my opinion, based on a lot of life experience; that the impact, in this case will only be for the look-er..

that is; when the sibling looks directly in ryan's eyes, in a way, the spirit reaching out through eye-contact alone to condemn/convict..

the look-ee..       ryan.   he will not be impacted.   he will not be convicted or condemned.   while, the sibling may receive some spiritual/intangible unquantifiable internal gratification from making eye contact; which does have its own value..

the expectation for ryan to experience condemnation/conviction/remorse/guilt through this eye contact; this expectation will not be realized.   i want to prepare said siblings heart and mind..

now, 

once upon a time, like many others..  i did believe that way..

and also believed, that sometimes condemnation/guilt/remorse could be so potentially traumatizing; life-threatening, for the convicted murderer, who beat someone to death..   that there is/was this kind of psychological mechanism, which prevents an evil person from feeling those things, exactly because they would become suicidal from fully realizing the severity and consequences of their violent/evil behavior.

over time, via many different experiences; interviews, readings, conversations

with this accumulated experience/knowledge over time, i have a new understanding and belief.

and i now believe, that there are certain individuals [richard allen davis among them]

so violent; so dangerous; so evil, impulsive..

so brutal

      -it is not some 'internal self-protecting' mechanism which prevents them from experiencing conviction/condemnation/guilt/remorse

but rather; they are as incapable of experiencing those things as a saltwater crocodile.

***

so, to this sibling, i say..    if it is going to do  -you- some good to make eye-contact; do it.

but, it will be equivalent to making eye-contact with the saltwater crocodile; at least prepare your heart and mind for this potential outcome; or we are further breaking an already broken heart.

***

i asked robert if he thought ryan deserved the death penalty.   he does not.   he is satisfied with ryan staying behind bars for life; his highest priority is keeping others safe..   and he does not care if ryan is kept in a prison suite, and lives like a king, or if he is kept in isolation..    robert's entire objective is keeping ryan off the streets; and preventing him from commiting another violent crime.  he also shared that his deceased sister, cynthia..  "she would not want her son put to death"  and he wants to honor his sister.

i want to honor robert.   

that said, i also shared my vote.  and my vote is that he does get the death penalty.  his track record for violence; his highly dangerous, volatile personality..     

i saw cynthia in the hospital..  i saw the blood in her apartment...

i know this murder could have been prevented had he not been released from prior arrests/convictions

i came across 3 different completion certificates from ryan 'graduating' from anger management classes..

at some point with the mind; the brain..

whether it is mental illness; drugs; alcohol..   a combination..

the brain/mind is so highjacked..   there is no 'rehabilitation'  possible..

                   i am remembering here:  cynthia's face in the hospital.. how distorted from being beat to death..  how the nurse said, 'these injuries are not survivable'

in that same way..

    -his mind is not 'rehabilitatable'       -a line has been crossed.   the life and death line was crossed for cynthia..

and the rehabilitate and incapacitate line has been crossed in ryan.

***

now, i don't believe in the death penalty the way we have it now in California..  where you receive the sentence, and then, more money is spent on you than the average prisoner for decades on end, and you never actually receive the death penalty..    write now it's just a joke..

i can find one or twelve more better ways our tax dollars and security resources could be spent..

but i mean death penalty, in that, once you are sentenced to death; you are, within a couple years; actually put to death.  removed from the planet.   that is the only true safety for innocent people.

and, do you want to revisit..?

how awful, and, what did gavin say, "...   But most of all, the death penalty is absolute, irreversible and irreparable in the event of a human error."

because

can we even calculate the amount of murders that are a direct result of violent criminals being released from prison..

each of those victims received the 'death penalty'  -without ever commiting a crime.  and each time we release a prisoner who goes on to kill and destroy..

that is 'human error'   -irreversible and irreparable.

currently we seem enormously concerned about the welfare of convicted criminals; and almost oblivious to the welfare of our law-abiding, tax-paying, contributing civilian citizenship..

***

this is horrible, tragic, heart-breaking from every angle; no matter where you stand..

and so, 

we've discussed; shared.. and keep God first.  We pray.. every day.  And we know, God is with us; God is already there..

and, we have our human thoughts, feelings, experiences

we know God's ways are higher than our ways; his thoughts higher than our thoughts

and it is God's will we seek; not our own.

...

what was God's will for king herrod?  goliath?  satan? 

***

we will put on God's whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that we may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil.    

Ephesians 6:11      amen & amen.

***

and now,   -time for december yard art; we converted our october haunted mansion into a november/fall grateful house; and are now converting the fall-colored grateful house, into a gingerbread house.   

   -makes us smile inside and out..  playing in the yard; the sunshine..   great music, drinks, visiting with neighbors and passersby..

we are in receipt of that 'peace that surpasses human understanding'

"Thank You! Jesus!"     Philippians 4:6.

 ****

the following morning, i printed the above post out, we read, and discussed some more

he requested i make some addendums for clarity

      -he will not be upset if ryan does get the death penalty; but he doesn't need it; his main goal is keeping ryan off the streets and keeping others safe

      -also, the fact that ryan killed his sister factors in heavily.   -if ryan had murdered someone's daughter/mom/sister that he didn't know; a stranger, so to speak   -he would immediately want and seek the death penalty; but still not 'need' it.   life in prison and/or death penalty.  it weighs/factors in that he believes his sister would not want ryan put to death.

 he recognizes there is a difference when the murderer and murdered are nephew and sister vs. strangers you hear or read about in the news.

and i just let that serve as an area of greater understanding/awareness

  -because every murderer and every victim, even when and if they are a stranger to us personally; they are still  'someone's' relative.

this is why the idea/concept/hope of an impartial jury is of importance.   -but that could be discussed further also.   the idea that 'impartiality' means you see things more clearly; are in a better position to judge?  -that emotional connection is to be entirely avoided?   impartial vs. apathetic?  -things to think more about at a later date...

***

psalm 37:1.      In Jesus praiseworthy and trustworthy name.   amen.

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 11:16 AM