SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

republished from june 2nd, 2012

my original plan.. the non-controversial, thatta-mom plan, was to take my children to see beauty and the beast at the bankhead theatre in livermore.

only they were just about sold out: only two seats left and on opposite sides.

so plan b, was to see get smart (again) at the dublin theater, only that's silly.. why drive, as my son pointed out, all the way to dublin when livermore has a theater write here

only get smart was not playing until like, 4 in the afternoon, and it was, like 2, so..

.....soooo.....

"how 'bout step brothers.. yeah! step brothers! i just saw them on charlie rose.. looks really funny.."

and my daughter was shaking her head no way. but my son was shaking his head yes please.

"look.. it comes on in 20 minutes, perfect!" i say.. "and guess what.. it's rated r..

oh. wait a minute.. it's rated r"

and so i went to the ticket booth to ask the young male creature my innocent question. my daughter all the while is staring at me with her "DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!" face, which i will explain later

"excuse me," i say, "i really don't know the answer to this question.. does rated r mean you cannot see the movie at all if you're under 17, or does it mean you can see the movie as long as you are with a responsible adult?"

"yes," he tells me.

"yes, what?" i say

"yes, you can see it with a parent or guardian"

done deal then. "kids.. mommy is taking you to see your very first r rated movie!"

"but, i've already seen an r rated movie mommy.. " jack starts to say real proud like

"no." i say, "NO. -you have not. THIS IS your FIRST r rated movie -write?

- just tell me this is your first r-rated movie, -k-"

and he smiles real big, with that look.. those dimples.. those big mischievous blue sparklers

and taryn is shaking her head in complete protest. "i don't want to see step brothers mommy! i want to see get smart!"

"we're here. it's starts in 20 minutes. it's gonna be really funny. we're goin!"

(and that's lovely, i think to myself.. forcing your child against her will into an r rated movie... 20,000 bad mommy points for you).

and the lady who took our tickets.. she took a look at my son.. my daughter.. at me.. our tickets..

"you realize this is rated r, write? -because it's really gross- REALLY GROSS!" she tells me.

and jack says, "if we don't like it once it gets started, we can always leave"

"yes," i promise my daughter.. "if we don't like it, we'll just leave..."

and so we got some -what must be speciality designer popcorn imported from australia or something-

and some -what must be rare spring, unwet, vitamin enhanced water in recyclable bottles from spain, i think, and then we found three great seats all next to each other.

now, i was a little concerned about what previews might play before an r rated feature, but several of the previews were actually local tv ads, and then commercials in general, like for thomas train and bob the builder

taryn had great fun with this, "oh, mom, cover my eyes, cover my eyes! it's thomas the train!"

and then a scary trailer here, a naughter trailer there, and onto the feature presentation.

and here is my movie review for moms of under-age children who take their innocent, young, loved ones to see step brothers:

don't.

i mean, in truth, we laughed a lot. all three of us. there is some genuinely funny writing, great physical comedy, the story line itself is very humorous, watching grown men behave like delinquent tweens.. the immaturity of their arguements, lifestyle, goals.. two pathetic adult step brothers forced together under the same roof as their misguided, overhelpful, enabling-co-dependent newly married horny parents

and the cast was A+

but then there were a few scenes.. so explicit, so over the top, so for the over 18 only crowd, that i half worried child protective service agents would be waiting for me at the exit.

oh no! oh no! oh no! "hey.. anyone have to go the bathroom? need more drinks? more popcorn? .. or anything? anything at all you need write now.. that i can get you..?"

and i leaned over to my son, "do you want to leave? do you think this is funny or stupid?"

and he said, "it's funny!"

and then i leaned over to my daughter, "you uncomfortable? you think this is funny or stupid?"

and she said, "what did jack say?"

i said, "he thinks it's funny,"

she said, "me too."

and then a funny scene like with the bunkbeds, or the sleepwalking, or the "did you touch my drumset?" would play on the big screen, and all three of us were laughing again.

and we ended up watching the entire movie (save the six or seven scenes where i tried helplessly to distract them by repeatedly dropping my water bottle).

and that was that. jack's favorite scene was "when they buried each other"

taryn's favorite scene was when "they played the pranks on the brother trying to sell the houses; the dead guy scene"

and my favorite scene was the bunkbeds -how they asked their parents.. put it together with wood, nails, and "do i hear a drill?"

"no, that's not your electric toothbrush" -and then watching them celebrate their accomplishment. and then watching it fall apart.

and that's kinda what i was hoping they might tell their friends and family about. i tried really hard to get them to focus on those -more socially acceptable- scenes,

but of course on our way home, back to dad's

"oh! and that was so funny.. so gross.. that was so funny and gross when he took his balls out and rubbed them all over the drumset!"

and somehow i knew my battle was lost. and it was that scene, and the other six or seven dreadfuls, that would be first out of their mouths when they saw grandma, grandpa, teachers, pastors, friends parents ..the neighborhood conservatives..

and that my reputation will be slightly in jeopardy until i counter that step brother's movie with "beauty and the beast live at the bankhead theatre!" because we do have tickets now for next week.

AND

because last time i took my daughter to the bankhead (my son was off at birthday party or something), and we went to see, what was it? ...the wizard of oz! yes..

well, the thing is, i was not at all prepared; not adequately prepared for the price of tickets. i was thinkin' my total might be in the 20's range, but it ended up in the 50's range, and

"excuse me? did you just say FIFTY-TWO? as in a 5 and then 2?

FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS FOR TWO PEOPLE - ONE ADULT, ONE CHILD?!?"

my shock popped out on the spot and could be heard through the little box office microphone. but, but, at the amador production, tickets are only $3 each! how could i not be shocked at such a leap

"$52?!?" i say, "my God!" at which time i notice my daughter shaking her head and moving slowly away from me.

then, after i accepted that painful reality, the lady behind the glass wants my name, my phone number and my address

"but i'm paying cash.. can't i just get the tickets and go?"

"mom! ... geez! just tell her will ya"

and so i did. then i slid my hand through the money slot thing pointing my index finger out for her

"prick it," i said, "take some blood so you can get my dna while you're at it"

at which point my daughter dies a humiliating public death, and the lady in the booth and my daughter exchange this secret look

this look of understanding, compassion, instant friendship and commaraderie

she looks at my daughter like, "oh.. i'm sorry you have a mom like that.. i understand it's not you, it's not your fault. you're innocent. i don't associate you with her, don't worry"

and my daughter is looking at her like, "oh, you understand! thank you!"

and then we enjoyed a knock-out, amazing, colorful, fabulous, way entertaining version of the wizard of oz.

AND SO, i'm acclimated now to both the high prices and invasion of privacy that go along with paying a lot of cash for tickets to see shows at the bankhead theatre. but a few yards before we reach the box office this time for beauty and the beast, my daughter tugs on my arm; stops me

"mommy! -you may not say a word all right! not a word! just pay quietly for the tickets or i'm not going!"

"what? what are you talking about? i read it in the paper this time, i know IN ADVANCE what the tickets cost. i'm prepared. i won't be shocked, i promise, promise, promise"

"and NO sticking your hand through the window "do you want my blood" -none of it mommy or i'm not going ever, ever, ever with you anywhere again"

at which time i just start cracking up because i had entirely forgotten about that.

but, and you can even ask my daughter if you don't believe me: i did marvelously at the box office this time.

i did not say for example, "what do you mean your sold out!?!" even though i thought it. quite politely i said, "oh, i've been hearing really good things about this performance.. makes perfect sense it's selling out.. can i get tickets now for next week"

and when she showed me the only 3 available seats next to each other for our selected performance, i said,

"that will be just fine, thank you."

and when she said the total cost out loud in the microphone, i just handed her my bankcard.

and when she asked for my phone number.. and recognized i was already in the system, which spared me from repeating my personal demographics through the glass window

i just kept quiet, looked at my daughter and son and smiled.

and when i tucked the tickets for all of us in my coin purse, i made a special point to check my daughter's face for love and approval.

"was that acceptable?" i asked (like a humble A+ student)

"you did very good" she promised.

and that's when i drug her & her brother over to livermore cinema and forced them to watch an r rated movie.

the end.

*****

[for memory storage nerds only:  this was written; posted, and then unpublished..  when i 'republish' it does insert it in its original date, it places it at the top, as if i just wrote it..  so unless i add in, via text, the original date..   it could be lost forever...

but!   making it even more confusing..   this happen only SOMETIMES..  that is to say, some things i take from draft form and republish, and it does republish it to its original date, correctly archived..  other times, it places it at the top, as if it was entirely new..

i would love if i could choose..  but really, deeply appreciate when the original date something is written is saved..     "thank you!" whoever helps with this some day...]