Hyper Mortality Consciousness as remembered/experienced by (me!) ~tops
-found this icon online; love it! it's perfect "thank you!"
now, i would have lost money on this bet.. because i was certain that when i did re-read flannery's book, that this very pronounced symptom i experienced, among the variety of symptoms for PTSD, was listed and named.. but i really didn't find anything..
and i'm sure i did read it somewhere.. and i think it has a different name, but, for the time being/for this post, i'm going to describe it as hyper mortality consciousness. i'm using hyper, because hypervigilance is another symptom; so it seems to fit
the most concrete example, is when i was in my... somewhere between 19 and 21 years of age.. a strong memory: everyone was talking about going to the after Christmas sale, and buying decor, gifts, etc. at great prices, to store and enjoy for the next years Christmas.
now, what stands out for me, is not that i was hyper aware about just my own mortality; but absolutely everyone's mortality
-that has to be the most over optimistic, ignorant, stupid thing i've ever heard.. everyone could die before next years Christmas gets here.. don't you understand!?!?
and while God gives me opportunities, over and over, to learn and experience and enjoy how i've conquered PTSD symptoms, one by one.. sometimes grouped..
my mortality; our mortality.. this does remain. it does not live/exist reveal itself to the outside world, so much as it lives (as many symptoms did) like a submarine; always below; but ever present..
for all of my life, to this very day.. even though we all casually plan this or that.. and i do not say out loud, ever
'unless we die before..' or 'only if we are alive'
that track does always play in my mind. it doesn't go away, i've learned to live with..
because in fact..
none of us do know, do we. and so my dreams can include having grand children to play with one day.. far off vacation plans.. on and on, most people do plan their lives with the expectation that they will live until old age claims them,
but it is another curiosity.. and an irksome thing to me..
how we use the term 'life expectancy' i think that term is used in error; incorrectly
we should more accurately say, 'life span potential'
-there is the potential to live to.. 103.. but all humans are 'expected' to live out their full potential?
i won't do the actual research, but i am curious, to see a pie chart, for a given population
how many deaths by age group: birth - 5 years old; 6 to 10 years old; 11-15 years old..
you get the picture.
..with cancers; suicides; car accidents; homicides; drownings; over doses; wars, plagues, pandemics, natural disasters, fatal this or that..
so, my way of living with the submarine track -i say back, sometimes only internally; sometime out loud, 'God willing,' we will do this or that..
ultimately; it is true, isn't it.
/i spy my lucky number in that pix..
james 4:13- Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money. 14 Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are [really] but a wisp of vapor (a puff of smoke, a mist) that is visible for a little while and then disappears [into thin air]. 15 You ought instead to say, If the Lord is willing, we shall live and we shall do this or that [thing].
***
so, i would say, i am, at age 56, entirely free, of any/all PTSD symptoms; save this one..
but maybe, this is not a symptom after all..? rather an understanding, chronic awareness
the result of this chronic awareness is that i sure do treasure each day; each visit with family and friends; each experience in general, as it unfolds
i am able to plan for a future with the coexistent understanding it is not guaranteed.
"THIS IS THE DAY! THE LORD HAS MADE! -Glorify God's name by enjoying it!"
Psalm 118:24, with a touch of salt. Hallelujah & Amen!
posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 9:58 AM
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