IN A WORD (in a panic) IN A WORD (in a panic)
-k-, so -as if to balance things out, despite a lower more managable anxiety level in the days prior to appearing on the show, my anxieties peaked up to like a 32 (that's on a scale of 1-10), in the hours, then moments before cameras were rolling. and, due to technical issues behind the scenes, our segment was postponed a bit, so -lucky me- i got to sit with these feelings for even longer. i felt nauseous. my heart raced. nauseous. nauseous. nauseous. then my brain starts yelling at me
THIS IS A SIGN! THIS IS A SIGN! RUN! PREVENT DISASTER!
and it really is confusing isn't it.. because sometimes -as seen on oprah- fear is a gift. it means get the hell out while you can.
and there was violet -beautiful violet- and so i knew that when i ran out the door, a) kathy and jim would still have a guest and i wouldn't be ruining the show, and b) kathy and jim are friends of mine and would one day forgive me
and i wrestled with these thoughts and feelings from about 8:45am - through getting ready - through showing up - kind of in the background/on hold during conversations in the lobby and on the set - peaking in the write before, when the mic was handed to me - all the way until jim and kathy opened the show and introduced us
and once the conversation got started everything was okay.
so i've locked it in my head: -ignore that fear!- i've rather given up on the idea i can make it go away, but i can function through it. past it. and make it to the other side.
the other side. -the other side is pure heaven-
and on the upside of this experience, i loved meeting violet, who it turns out, is the daughter-in-law of my friend and neighbor. -seeing susan- friend from the poetry/prose festival who was there for the "few more words" commentary segment that concludes the show, and always, always, love seeing jim ott and kathy cordova, and then also enjoyed meeting sarah jane, who was there to showcase her children's book: hope's garden, -was quite inspired by her background stories, and thrilled to add this success story and book to our inscribed book collection -this one for my son jack.
all n' all a wonderful day.
i'm wanting to move on to the next book, next author, next lessons, but can't leave a new earth without addressing one more area of great interest to me:
this comes from the companion guide printed out on oprah.com: specifically this from tolle:
outflow determines inflow (pg 191)
in full: chapter 7/ question 5: -whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world (pg 190). this week, try the following and see how it changes your daily interactions, relationships, and life itself: whatever you think people are withholding from you-praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on-give it to them. you don't have it? just act as if you had it, and it will come... you cannot receive what you don't give. outflow determines inflow.
it is my experience that this statement, this philosopny is not true across the board, but is true sometimes -you must weigh, evaluate on a person to person, circumstance to circumstance
basis
sometimes you give love, understanding, patience, praise.. etc, and you receive those things in return.
sometimes you give love, understanding, patience, praise, benefit of the doubt, etc, and you get walked on, abused and taken advantage of
i like the idea of love/patience, kindness, etc. serving as our default settings -our first way of behaving, responding to people and situations, but we need to override that setting based on outcome, based on the personality, characteristics, behaviors of the other person
often i see the victims in abusive relationships further victimized by trying to adopt this philosophy: trying even harder to be nice, generous, giving, kind, loving to someone who clearly only abuses, controls and undermines the giver with great selfishness. -when you give with love, and get abuse/control/selfishness in return, i say
GET OUT. GET AWAY. GIVE NO MORE
and secondly, and of grave importance to me: this idea of outflow determining inflow.
if there is one HUGE SWEEPING neglected area in the lives of the people i observe around me (self included)
one area of greatest blindness and unconsciousness in my given population; it is this: how much
INFLOW DETERMINES OUTFLOW.
i think most people have no idea how impactful, how influencial, how significantly their daily INFLOW effects and determines their OUTFLOW
i suggest an inventory: a look into every single little thing your eyes, your senses, your brain intakes on a day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute basis
every show you watch, every thing hanging on your walls, every person you encounter, every book and/or magazine you see/read, every billboard you pass, every radio commercial/program you hear.. every wall.. the inside of every cupboard.. the words in every conversation.. the things that fill your room, your bathroom, your office,.. on and on..
i say, ...if you are unhappy.. if you are unhappy, unhealthy, stuck in any way.. take a long, serious look, an inventory of the INPUT in your life -your individual INPUT-
and by changing our INPUT -this can automatically change our OUTPUT-
changing the magazines you read, the programs you listen to , the amount and type of television, changing your environment, circle of friends if necessary, changing the color on your walls, the foods and beverages you digest, the art/pictures in your office.. changing as much as you can to SERVE you, lift you, guide you, elevate and educate and nuture you
for each and everything you observe ask this: does this lift me? bother me? neutral? -does this person, thing, or object increase my self-esteem or lower it? neutral?
i see great power -have experienced great power and healing- -have observed great power and healing in others- who pay attention to the INPUT of their daily lives.. and adjust it to bring them joy, happiness, self-esteem, confidence, peace, love
i feel i cannot put enough emphasis on this knowledge i have gained: how much i know our INFLOW determines our OUTFLOW... -and then the reciprocal relationship between the two.
once again, the book blink by malcolm gladwell comes to mind.
okay then, ready to move on...
thank you cards to jim ott, kathy cordova
posted by SHE @ 8:33 AM
7 Comments:
Stage fright is a scary thing. I know that feeling well! So glad you made it through. :) And I LOVE the rest of your post, so amazing. Much love.
Hmmm...input/output. Maybe it's like a house. Drafty. We think we are controlling our 'input' and 'output' with the thermostat, but there are so many leaky spots we don't even realize where they all are.
BTW...congrats on the new book, the bravery & the profound thoughts....ever-so-inspirational You Are!
I'm so damned glad you're in my inflow.....
Girl, you see the world through giant glasses,
not rose colored,
not tinted,
not near sighted or far.....
Real sighted....
Peace~love friend,
you are the circle
karma: -always as i learn that talented, experienced people like yourself get stage fright too..
it is somehow comforting. thank you! -for your encouragement, kind words and inspiration
slb: -made me smile-
"to leaky spots!"
singtome: thank you friend! -honor to be anywhere in your circle of family/friends.. spirits
-and love watching it grow..
much love all around, ~s.
As always, you were awesome on our show. You're a natural on camera and articulate and I always know we'll have a good discussion when you come on the set.
ren man: thank you!
~ you two are WONDERFUL HOSTS ~ and i'm such a fan of the show
-appreciate your willingness to take a chance on me
on the opportunity to conquer -or at least subdue- these nerves of mine
to "in a word!" love, ~s.
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