SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

***  JEALOUSY ***   

the very first thing to come to mind for me personally, when i hear the word:

terrifying.   this is to say, that,  -without exaggerating (much), i was as frightened being under the verbal/emotional attack of a jealous person i knew, as i was having a cocked gun to my head by a complete stranger

scary!  and when i reexamine it on far apart and rare occasions, i wonder is jealousy the correct word?

but, when i put together my experience, and couple it with the story of cain and able in the Bible...

to process, that God allowed a murder motivated by jealousy..   this validates how scared i was; that my fear was justified.

and being on the receiving end; and experiencing how scary..  that alone inspires me to always examine myself, and if i myself feel anything that comes close to what i interpret as jealousy..   i check in immediately with God in prayer..  

my jealousies are perhaps different than what i believe most people experience  -but common for rape survivors

what makes me jealous sometimes is when people have sufferings/pain/trauma that can be publicly shared and yield only compassion on the part of the listener     -as so many different sufferings/pain/trauma was shared on the voice..   but rape was never one of them.   -statistically, you can't have that many people, that many lives..  and not one rape survivor among them.  -so, us rape survivors; we know..   

how sad, it is 2023, and still...

back to the topic of jealousy  -when i revisit being on the receiving end..  how do we even interpret what is jealousy vs. resentment?  jealousy vs insecurity?   jealousy vs. betrayal?   jealousy vs. competitiveness?    jealousy vs. envy?   jealousy vs. covet?    im going to pause here to look up some definitions:

jealousy:   envy of someones achievement and advantages

what is envy then?   resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities or luck

what is resentment then?  complex multilayered emotion; mixture of disappointment; disgust; anger

and we also have the Bible story of Saul being jealous (to the point of wanting to murder) of King David..   

and then we also have the scriptures:  Exodus 20:5   -this scripture carries much more weight once you yourself have interpreted/experienced jealousy

i think the most common type of jealousy in life, in fiction, in general:  romantic relationship jealousy.

and so, in a romantic relationship..   i've seen where one -tries- to make the other jealous..

but i believe based on my own life experiences; those tactics are born from immaturity; insecurity; and/or an unhealthy desire to manipulate others

when you love someone; romantically..   and you have a healthy, mature love..   you will not intentionally make the other jealous; you will not intentionally belittle, or marginalize,  you just don't intentionally hurt the other; period.

you don't engage in activities of any kind which you know have the potential to stir jealously..

and you definitely don't intentionally stir jealousy, and then label your partner 'insecure' for taking your bait.

both robert and i talked on the topic early on, and talk about it occasionally.  we have practices in our relationship born from our individual experiences along the way, and the primary purpose is just to honor and respect the other with practices that build trust and security and confidence; not compromise them; not test them.  two primary examples:  and these are not fixed laws; there are exceptions acceptable to us both, based on love and wisdom and common sense, of course.. but, rules of thumb, let's call them.  1.  we don't entertain people of the opposite sex in our home unless both of us are present.   that is, i'm not going to come home and find robert sipping a glass of wine with a woman friend and carrying on even a casual conversation, and vice versa..   even if it is 'just a friend'.    -in doing this, we build trust, we build confidence; we build security; we build respect; we honor each other.    the 'why are you so insecure' is not a card either one of us play.   and, 2.  we mostly hang out with other couples, we don't so much have a bunch of single friends..  as we may have in our 20's, 30's..  mostly our friends at this point, and gratefully so, are husband & wife teams.  and robert and i are in the practice of keeping our text/phone communications respectful this way:  i communicate with the women/wives; he communicates with the men/husbands.   again, there are agreed upon exceptions, but he is not going to find me going back and forth in text or calls with one of his male friends..  even if it is platonic..  and vice versa.   we just deeply respect each other and our relationship; we nurture, protect and guard what God has blessed us with.   

-my goodness, by my age now, i have seen so many different..    my exposure from every angle..

and i did turn to Joyce Meyer's Purple Book..   i so love how she organized it.. but, as with the topic of Death..    so too, is Jealousy, not in her table of contents..   darn it!  but, on a very brief search.. which i recommend to everyone:  you can just type Bible verses about jealousy and keep yourself busy learning for a healthy stretch

i will share here,  -materialistically, i guess i am just so fulfilled in my current life, it doesn't come up..  i remember our e-bike ride with my son and his love in monterey..    during portions we were surrounded by mansions..    my son had pointed one out to me..  and i said, 'i challenge anyone living in any of those mansions to be happier than i am write now'   -because i was having such a great time, being with my love, my son, his love, in God's gorgeous landscape, on a spectacular day..

***

let's return to jealousy, in regard to romantic relationships, because God is bringing to my mind/heart a recent conversation..      man/wife out on a vacation day of sorts.. and women who were intentionally flirting with the husband    -how this ruined an otherwise positive experience; and in fact, cut it short.

i'm going to share how i process that from this time in my life; a Christian perspective, what i've learned, 

first:  there is no shortage of women who demonstrate that disrespect.  it seems to me immature; cheap; ugly, etc.    -that portion, if i were in the same situation today; i would 'give to God'   -what i mean, is that, i have learned through many years practice, when to apply 'battle belongs to the Lord'    i am not in a position to change the behavior/attitudes/egos/selfishness of people like that.  i let them be who they are; i stay who i am..

i would probably do exactly as my friend did;  -leave.

the best thing the husband can do,  -recognize when women are disrespecting his wife while feeding their own and his ego,     ignore them; kiss his wife,   -leave hand in hand.      

i've seen too many times, when people place their egos in front of their relationship.  -reliable as simple math:  those relationships inevitably fail.

*****

true love will not create room for even unnecessary suspicions..  true love will build trust; build confidence; build mutual respect/understanding..  always honor the other over ego.  feed security; starve insecurity..    

robert and i both showed up healed  -God first forever!  and God's signature is all over our relationship.   Praise God!  -the rest falls into place.

****

jealousy?   resentment?    -when i interpret i am experiencing those feelings; i rush to prayer!  i go over, repeat,  i have what God wants me to have  -each person is unique.  

there is an area, which would ignite jealousy (of the resentment kind) in me, long ago..  a burn that would last too long!  i would have to really work at, via prayer..   work.at.it.    -replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts; with great effort,  but i would not stop trying..    catching the thought; replacing the thought.. 

and what took great effort and practice and discipline long ago, is now just shy of being effortless..

and now, i am only, very briefly, and only slightly irritated

                -patents on undeserving; unoriginal products..        poo on you

i apply that same practice to any counterproductive/negative thoughts i observe i am having

****

so unorganized/random, i realize..

my take-aways regarding jealously

1.  cain & abel reminds us to take it seriously..      just how destructive it can be, left unchecked

2.  it is not a toy, not a game..    i would not intentionally stir it

3.  it is not productive or healthy    -jealousy is to our spirit; as poison is to our flesh

4.  our God is a jealous God..   i'm still processing the weight of that...

5.  jealousy's opposite:   peace * security * confidence

****

wait..  funny memory on the topic..   post divorce, and my ex has a new girlfriend.   i didn't have jealousy regarding my ex..  but! wow! to what happened inside me, regarding my children..

MY! CHILDREN...   i felt so territorial!   and without much care for how i looked, drove me and MY! CHILDREN to a walk-in professional photo place...   got our pictures taken TOGETHER..   hugs, smiles, i am their one and only mommy & me pictures...     bought a big package:  some for me, on my refrigerator/shelves; some for MY! CHILDREN to have; and pretty sure i put some magnets on the back of a few and sent MY kids with innocent instructions  "oh look, i happen to have a few extras you can put on your dad's refrigerator..."

i'm gonna go find those...   makes me laugh now... 

fast forward:

"Thank You Jesus!"     -more later...      amen.