SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

How do you make friends? as considered by (me!) ~tops

 with a smile, i'm remembering my niece ask me that very question.  -just before she was about to enter middle school.  "auntie sandy...  how do you make friends?"

and i went a little blank.  i never quite consciously considered how to make a friend; or how to be a friend.  for the first many years of life it just happened; or didn't..    or did, and then ended..   and new friends were made..   and there was a kind of haphazard way friendships came and went; were born and/or died...

but at 55..   i've got a much better grip on who is, and who is not a friend; the value of the friendships i've had; do have; and have yet to make

certainly i say a prayer of a million thank you's, that at this time in my life..   having my sister as a female best friend; robert as a male best friend/lover/husband...   my mom, and daughter; son, brother, father as not just family, but friends..  my family, extended family, new family and friends via falling in love with robert..

having just shared a friendship coffee date with catherine and carla...   seen mary recently at my dad's birthday..    exchanging correspondence with lisa..    kathy...    sue's passing...     looking around at the pictures of friends i keep in my studio..   hikes and visits with john/maria; sebastian/valerie; pete/janis; new friends karl/valerie..   our neighbor friends, chris..(duke!), gopi/family, and friendly-enough-to -know-by-name neighbors; eric, eve, erika, eric, richard/nancy.. jen.. clyde..   /longer list here...

it is on my mind...  friendship.   especially, the friends who were close for a season...   but we are no longer in contact.    if we crossed paths running errands, or at an event... of course! hugs, hello's and how are you's; but no ongoing connections..

i have really come to appreciate and understand this is a common, natural occurrence; to embrace the ebb and flow of friendships; the varying depths; 

i'm still trying to answer my nieces question   -and here, still in unorganized/unpolished form, i'm giving it consideration..

i've said often to my children a friend is someone who will celebrate your victories with you; and help you through your setbacks..

but, friendships take so many different forms/shapes/levels

              -acquaintances that never quite evolve into friendships

              - strong friendships that die; and must be grieved   [you will learn to let go of the pain; hold on to the lesson]

              -i have friendship flames exclusively in my heart and prayers; but which i do not reach out to fan.

             -special occasion friends, where we only connect during holidays, birthdays and for milestone experiences

              -friends i see often; but we stay on the surface; friends i rarely see, but love so deep

the biggest piece of the friendship pie chart for me belongs to temporary friends; where our connection was primarily, or exclusively, via work, a creative goal, geographic location, mutual interest, and we swam in the same school for a while, and then drifted apart, each pulled by the current of our individual lives 

the smallest slice goes to 'true' life-long friends; and a generous portion to 'new-true' friends

         my analogies are far from succinct, but..

      to be a friend             -okay, i'm going to pause there, because one thing that will happen in life, as you grow older, is that you will start to add the word "true"

because not all friends are true friends...     so i'm going to mostly discuss 'true' friends:

to be a true friend:

      trustworthy. loyal. honest. kind. wise.

you will mutually magnify each others best qualities; and mutually overlook minor faults.

   -someone you come to know and love, trust, appreciate.

a friend is someone who will brag about you behind your back.

respect your boundaries; keep your secrets; value you for who you are (not what you can do for them).

a friend listens with their hearts; not just their ears

you know you've made a true friend, when there is an emotional, spiritual connection even when in-person or phone visits and/or correspondence subside.

but there is the actual, practical, pragmatic nature we must also discuss

because you cannot make a friend at all, without 

a.  reaching out   and/or

b.  being receptive

so, there is a natural risk-taking element that is a necessary part of any friendship 

     either reaching out to say hello and introduce yourself

and/or, when someone reaches out, you respond in kind.

     -being a good listener...   sharing conversation..   finding something in common...

spending time together...     having fun...        

and i've learned at this age...    i can only have so many 'true' friends, exactly because it is an investment of time and energy.   and i've met people along the way that value, quantity over quality.   each 'friend' is really an acquaintance; or someone they know by name; pass by in the office;  or a social media 'follower'

'true' friendships will be more intimate than that.

and it has been to my great advantage, that i don't let political or religious affiliations dictate who will or wont be my friend.  i can easily be friends with people of other/opposite opinions/beliefs, etc.   -so it is only if the other person demands i agree with them, that friendships will terminate. often, once we learn we don't agree...   we just eliminate those discussions/topics from our larger, longer conversations.  i am past the age of trying to convince, persuade..    i am of the age of interest and acceptance.  i sometimes treat those hot topic areas like i do favorite colors.   my favorite color is green. yours is purple.  they are both okay.  and it turns out, there are lots of other things to talk about, and do..

i believe i have had the spectrum of friendship experiences:  trying to make a friend/being rejected; someone trying to befriend me; im not interested.  acquaintance turns into an amazing friend; once an amazing dear friend..  turning over time into a mere acquaintance.  life long friends..   brand new friends...       friends i unintentionally let down..    friends who quite intentionally dropped me.

in my own memory..  i have consciously terminated 3 friendships.   all 3 at different times but for the same reasons:  boundaries/values.

1 person was overly friendly/flirty with my boyfriend at the time.  crossed boundaries; and had no respect values

1 person thought it was okay for parents who had sexually abused their young children to still see their children as long as they were supervised.   i detested this idea.  if you are in the company; in the same room with people you know are having abusive/evil/wicked/sleazy thoughts; interrupted only by a supervisor... or the thought of being caught    -what a hideous position to put young, already abused children in...   they need safe, caring, trustworthy, mature adults  -and lots of them.

1 person revealed intentionally spreading rumors/gossip that would destroy another person(s).

and in these 3 cases that i remember, i never made a declaration, "i can no longer be your friend!" but rather, i took a mental/emotional note internally, and stopped responding to invitations to get together; and stopped initiating..   and eventually, gradually, those friendships were over.

and i have met many people over the years who seem to keep friendships with ex-boy or girlfriends, but i am not one of them.   -when the relationship was over; the relationship was over.   i am able to share our children's milestone celebrations with my ex-husband, and vice versa...  our families can all be in the same room for Christmas, Easter, Graduations, etc.  and i am very grateful.   but, 'now we're just friends'  -never worked for me personally.

and it is very much still a piece of writing in progress.. my understanding of how to make a 'true' friend

but i'm inspired to close with this wonderful, fun, exciting memory.   -a personal favorite for obvious reasons, because, i have been blessed, favored and anointed to get to fall asleep with, and wake up write next to, and spend everyday with:  my male best friend; my sexy; my robert; my 'undocumented' husband

and i will always remember our date in capitola

and!  testify here:

everything in my life changed for the much, much better when i acknowledged Jesus as my invisible 'true' best friend.

in my Lord & Savior's Name    -amen.

***   i forgot earlier here to mention, my rule of 3...   not sure when i adopted it, but i decided somewhere along the line, that if a person was a no-show, or turned down 3 invitations to get together in a row; i just let that person go...     i've never worried about the why...   just appreciate that not everyone clicks, and i extra treasure the people i can count on..

additional addendum..    letting friends go..   i also remember i decided that people who only invited me somewhere with the agenda of selling me something; only when it involved money...  i let those 'friends' go too.

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 11:25 AM