having vowed never to put myself through the agony of appearing,
or really, in truth,
the agony of preparing to appear, on television ever, ever, ever again, it should come as no surprise to fellow mental masochists, that when kathy cordova, jim ott's co-host, for in a word on local channel 30, invited me back this year to talk with both of them about elizabeth gilbert's book, eat, love, pray, i said yes.
not, "no thank you," or even, "let me think about it." nope. i said something really enthusiastic, like, "sure! i'd be honored."
and in kathy's email to me, she extended the invitation, asking whether i knew anyone else who had read and enjoyed gilbert's book.
do i ever! i bought the book for several friends, but, even better, there were three of us locals who went together to meet elizabeth gilbert when she did a reading and book signing in san francisco. me, dyan and carla; so right away i sent them an email. "it'll be fun!" i write them, "we can divide the anxiety, multiply the joy"
and, while their replies back to me were longer than what i'm about to type here, i can capture the essence of their responses ... in a word...
NO! and,
NO!
-gosh, i thought. they are so much smarter than me!
carla's no was bigger than dyan's no, plus she'll be out of town on the date of the taping; so, misery loving company, i begged dyan. successfully.
this will be a memory we can share, prior to her leaving for montana to start a new life with my brother.
-do here note the absence of any descriptive word, any adjective, nestled in front of the word memory, in the sentence above. we simply do not know in advance what type of memory this will be
fun?
best left forgotten?
fatal?
so once again i ponder this...
why? why? why? knowing -in advance- what agony this brings me. do i say yes?
i don't get paid. it puts no food in my pantry, no beer in my fridge. i will spend four weeks worrying about four minutes; all for FREE.
if one does not already exist, this behavior deserves its very own diagnostic code number; and prescription drug
which brings me, in an off the post way, to oprah, martha beck and scott adams. my dream team. my imagined personal coaches, hired specifically to help me succeed.
as if God herself, wanted to ease my pain and lift my burden -what should appear before me in the aftermath of saying yes to kathy cordova, but a plethora of very inexpensive, but profound, and sage advice for people who suffer from prelude-to-public-speaking like i do
in "o" magazine, (this month!) july 2007 there are TWO articles by TWO majors in the public speaking arena: oprah and martha beck, that have not gone unread three times by me:
self conscious? martha beck's one-word cure, page 174, which talks about the spotlight effect (diagnosis) and beta - blockers (prescription drug!)
AND, what i know for sure, pg 230, oprah's regular column, where this month, she writes
"...you can't accomplish anything worthwhile if you inhibit yourself. if life teaches you nothing else, know this for sure: when you get the chance,
(and, i hear the lyrics too... when you get the chance to sit it out, or dance.. i hope you dance)
but, oprah, in her own words, writes, when you get the chance, go for it.
the center of her story showcasing on a 1978 interview of hers with robin williams -one of my favorite all time comedians and actors; king of the uninhibited universe.
and i think about what it might cost for tickets to see oprah, or what it might cost for a one-on-one session with martha beck, and i think.. i paid only $4 for this july issue of "O"
i know how to bargain shop for help and inspiration!
and it doesn't stop there either, because, just yesterday, i think it was, scott adams, in his blog, my compliments to you, writes about his secrets to success when it comes to public speaking. and i know i can't afford a ticket to see him speak either, but
there it is. sage advice in a blog post, for the built in cost of my monthly comcast internet connection.
none of this is lost on me.
it is well documented that people who have suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, experience elevated levels of anxiety when it comes to any anxiety provoking experiences.
ours is ten times the work; ten times the battle.
i will re-read eat, love, pray. i will take notes. i will beg kathy and jim for questions in advance so i can discover my answers and say them out loud, write them down, rehearse them in my head. again. again. i will pray to God frequently for help and mercy. again. again. i will practice with dyan. i will reread oprah, martha beck and scott adam's words again. and again. i will invest a weeks worth of worry for every 1 minute of this interview.
if i bomb, i will blame my ptsd.
but if i succeed, i will credit my imagined personal coaches
and, thank you in advance scott adams, because either way,
on the walk home from studio 30
i will think to myself, and say to dyan
"that was very brave of us!"
-which is ten times the victory too.
posted by SHE @ 9:01 AM
9 Comments:
this post is not "untitled" in that, creative, unnamed-on- purpose kind of way
nor is the absence of line breaks an expression of my artistic rebellion
all credit for layout appearance goes to google-bloogers behind the scenes.
"come out! come out! where ever you are!"
Blogger is playing Big Brother on my end too! I had to change the settings to "show link" bar in order to get it to take a title, and of course, no link bar shows up! It respaced everything I wrote over and over again......I do not want an Editor!
Bless your little buns, going on TV......I can't give you any advice, I'd cry... I don't know why, but that's what I would do!
And of course you will be beautiful, and say just the right things, because you belive in this author, and you're doing it for her....it will be a mission, and you're a one-man army, girlfriend!
peace, love, and um, maybe wine would help.....
singtome: i'm with you.. what's with the invisible editor thing?
need scooby and the gang... unmask those ghostly villians and find out who they really are
-and thanks! i do believe in elizabeth gilbert; pray i can do justice to the higher messages inside her creative and humorous prose
and i fully expect to be at one of your book signings one day
wait in line twice for autographs: one from you, one from skinny
you two knock me out with your incredible posts, loving hearts, and enlightened spirits
BBF, you GO!!!! How very cool, and never miss an opportunity like this no matter how scared you are.
Easy for ME to say, huh??? LOL I am a pretty big chicken when it comes to public speaking, and I am camera-phobic. But...WE SHALL OVERCOME!
Hope to see a link to your television debut!
You look absolutely stunning in that picture....just so you know!
She...my grandmother once told me 'When you are young, you have the resources to do so many things, but you don't have the balls. When you get to be old like me, you have the balls to do anything, but not the resources.'
I believe those words were sage & wise. i know you will do wonderfully & will continue to pull upon many avenues to inspire others, even at the expense of your own momentary sanity.
peace/love girl!
kmg/bbf: i just had a flash into the future...
where i repeat those words right back to you:
"...never miss an opportunity like this no matter how scared you are."
and i say, "remember when you told me that? now it's your turn"
and then you mumbled back to me all frustrated
"i know. i know. we shall overcome."
and i said, "that's right sister!"
slb: big thank you! and i'm taking that to heart
your generous encouragement and your grandma's words of wisdom
would you mind asking her about mid-life? when you're not young, or old
and sometimes you lose your balls like car keys, and find your resources locked in the car
peace/love back atcha
ha! I wish she were still here, so we could ask her sage silly self a thousand questions....she never did mid-life, she just did life, a million wrinkles and birthday candles to prove it, but I swear she got younger every day!
I bet you did fine. And the structure google gave your post really transmits that frenzied mentally hyper state of mind. You must have had trouble sleeping! I'd be freaked, personally!
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