FRED ROVER, DREAD ROVER by (me!) sandra, ttgp
car show at the fairgrounds behind me, plus the farmer's market ahead.. my neighborhood is packed with people today; mostly men. they're everywhere!this would have been the perfect day for me to discover FRED ROVER ONE in my garage, but no. the streets were practically abandon that day; some three days ago now. i was so alone.
and terrified.
there i was, all showered, shined and good smellin, in my cute tea length denim skirt, white shirt and sandals, with the bare skin of my feet, and darling red painted toenails all vulnerable to the outside elements
i grabbed the silver metal handle of the garage door, gave it a secret code combination twist and then started liftin'
and i was smiling. i was smiling because i knew once i lifted the garage door all the way open, which requires me toward the end to balance on my tip-toes
i was going to be rewarded with the beautiful vision of all the hard work i had put into cleaning, vacuuming and organizing my side of the garage.
"wow! you truly are amazing sandra" i thought to myself, "and brave!" -because it is scary, scary, scary moving boxes all around when you just know in any given second a big, fast, creepy, crawly thing and all it's cousins are going to come racing toward you. but i wore gloves and i had spray
plus james morrison
so got the job done.
and didn't i just feel all proud of myself as i was hopping in my hybrid to take off for the day. i removed my right sandal (because otherwise i can't work the gas pedal), reversed her out of my beautiful clean garage onto the driveway and put her back in park so i could hop out and pull the garage door closed
and that's when i saw him
that's when i screamed and did the heebie-jeebie dance; one foot bare
there he lay on his back, in creepy crawling motion, on a freshly sprayed and vacuumed, perfectly clean patch of cement.
is this the devil at recess; or God at work?
and i know that most people when meeting neighbors for the first time, might say something like, "hi. my name is blah, blah, blah.. what's your's? and, nice to meet you and things like that
but i spotted a lady minding her own business on the other side of the street and i felt quite comfortable yelling in a panic
"hey! -you know anything about bugs?!"
and that's how i met my three doors down and across the street neighbor laurie. she came over just like that and took a look. and she debated out loud whether he was a cockroach, or a beetle, or some other bug creature that starts with a p.. parlimeeto? -can't remember. some bug that loves wood -which- as an artist, i just happen to have three shit loads of in my garage
but she said.. "i get them too. you can just sweep them out and the birds will eat 'em."
too late for that, though. i already poisoned natures bird food.
and me being who i am, i had to take his picture. because i'm planning on graduating from my own mental academic bug desensitization program.
i tapped into my courage reserves just to scoot that stupid quarter next to him and help tame my own exaggerations about how big he was. without that quater, which took me some ten minutes plus to sweep near his frozen dead, poisoned body, i would have claimed he was the size of a hub cap on an airplane's tire
but i think this effort, as pathetic as it is, qualifies me for entry level hope status in the college of that's enough!
but now i must confess, when i uploaded his pictures on my computer, clicked slide show
and portraits of FRED ROVER ONE -unidentified dead bug on back, flashed full screen size on my monitor screen
the only twelve steps i took were instant and backwards.
"holy to God shit!" i screamed. jumped out of my chair, covered my face, ran backwards into the wall and started singin' opera.
it is a genuine full fledge phobia.
and after our photo shoot, FRED ROVER ONE remained on the floor, quarter next to him, because, for one, i just couldn't tolerate being near him again, and two, i had to show him to my children.
they love this kind of thing; mommy scared shitless.
and they delighted in telling all about the giant bug in our garage to the crossing guard on our way to school. then she started talking to us in great detail about these cockroach, beetle like creatures, some 5 inches long, she used to get at her place in florida. "they fly" she said. and quite instantly i jumped back and gasped at the terrifying image she put in my mind of this thing in my garage flying at me.
my children just laughed and laughed. -but having heard this, didn't i consider it a gift from God now that i found FRED on the ground. on his back. immobile and helpless.
had i gone closer to FRED with the toxic spray can, and he suddenly flipped over and took flight toward me... i promise you i would still be running around pleasanton with one shoe on, one shoe off, waving my arms wildly in the air yelling "code orange! code orange! somebody call 911!"
and this brings me exactly where i hoped to eventually arrive. at eric kandel's work with sweet aplysia, the marine snail, and the difference between habitization and sensitization.
i understand the results of his research completely, but struggle like heck trying to explain it to others. ... the threshold... ... that tipping point... but here i go again:
habitization goes like this: i see FRED. i run and scream. -but- through repeated exposures to FRED, eventually, over time, i go from a run to a walk, from a scream to a sigh, until one day, even the size of six giant FREDS floating in my cereal bowl doesn't phase me.
this can also be referred to as a miracle.
sensitization goes like this: FRED attacks me. i run and scream. end up in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer. someone wants to help through habituating me; thinks by showing me a thumbnail size picture of a FRED in a calm environment, i'll slowly recover
but instead i have a heart attack and die.
it is crucial, crucial, crucial -life or death- to understand the physical/mental impact of that initial stimuli so you know whether desensitization techniques will hurt or heal.
and now, yesterday, i encountered DREAD ROVER TWO, fred's not-lost-long-enough-for-me younger brother.
i ran for the spray and sent another early bird for just a worm.
but i think i might hide the spray and prop the broom against the wall where i can see it and get to it quickly.
then next time i encounter one of these DREAD ROVERS in my garage
i'll hop on and fly away.
posted by SHE @ 8:14 AM
8 Comments:
OMG...I hate them, hate them, hate them. They are Palmetto bugs and are huge in the south ...ew...I call them flying roaches. They are blind as a bat & can grow to be huge, especially in hot, wet states like Alabama, Florida & Mississipi. If I find one, I can do nothing but drop a solo cup ontop of it, then place a large hardbound book ontop of the solo cup (I learned many years ago, that the solo cup alone will not stop them) & wait for someone to come along and handle it for me.
Bless you, my poor one-shoed, garage-cleaning bug-defying soul. I hate it for you...as a kid those bastards would chase me in the dark & they are the root of my greatest silly fear. Repeated exposure never helped.
Personally, I use a product called DEMON WP once a year to keep all those nuclearpests at bay & it works wonders. You can buy it on-line for less than a few cans of the quick fix sprays & even, less than paying a professional to come out.
ROTFL
Oh my GAWD, my Barefoot Blogger Friend.......
Thank you for that laugh attack, though it came at great sacrifice and blogging effort on your part.
FYI, Skinny has it labeled right. My mom lives in Florida, and she has these ALL the time. They like Palm Trees.
slb: you are too funny! -love it/love it.. solo cup PLUS hardbound book
but now you've got my heart racin' again.. the idea of these growing huge, being able to break free from a cup and flying..
how can we even concern ourselves with global warming when we've got a problem of this magnitude right next to my bare foot
and now i want to sit down later this week and study about how each and every animal that's extinct...
well how does that happen? from threatened, to endangered, to extinct
and then i think we should use that knowledge to our advantage
save the bald eagles! save the pandas! make flying roaches extinct!
because, i am certain that by now, oscar meyer or kraft or nasa can mass manufacture and distribute a synthetic alternative source of food for whatever living things rely on these bugs for energy and sustenance
this natural organic food chain thing is just not working for me!
kmg/bbf: it's wonderfully contagious, because just thinkin' 'bout you laughin' made me laugh some more
and i want to wrap my arms around everyone in ALABAMA, FLORIDA & MISSISSIPPI
or maybe tent & fume the whole south! -the whole earth for that matter.
poor beautiful enablin' palm trees...
even in nature, the most dysfunctional relatioships!
break up already! that's my advice.
I am so sorry, but I am cracking up! We live with those sorry flying bats! Palmettos! They hum and buzz and flap their nasty little blind wings RIGHT AT YOU! And they leave a trail, that if the exterminator wants to really rip you off, mimics "rodents were here".....
Did Skinny tell you how many solo cups and copies of Gone With the Wind line our hallways?
singleton: i'm convinced now, even God makes mistakes. we are not meant to share our world with these creatures
but in the meantime, thanks for the tip. i just pulled tolstoy from the book shelves in case of an indoor emergency
Ewwww....it is either an urban legend or true that these bastards could survive a nuclear bomb. Who knows really? i once tried to flush one down the toilet, he floated until he got his paws on the sides, where he held on despite all circular waves trying to suck him down. I ran to the neighbors for assitance & found myself re-hanted by childhood fears of creatures coming UP from the commode. Ewwwwww....
Why am I back here? Why am I punishing myself so?! Oh, i am a sick little girl, very sick indeed.
slb: well, thanks a hell of a lot for adding that fear in my brain as i sit here having had three cups of coffee. if i get a bladder infection i'm sending you the bill.
-some friend.
and i haven't made one bit of progress either. every morning i sit here and i double dare myself to "click on image to ENLARGE"
and just the thought of FRED ROVER popping up instantly bigger than he already is at size medium
well, i just can't do it.
can you?
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