SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

THOUGHTS ON SILENCE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

1.  when was the very first time I said it out loud, in public, in 'casual' conversation?  I don't remember specifically.  What I do remember, is that for years I was silent.  years, as in decades.  And when I first attempted

When I first had made up my mind that I was going to stop hiding it; stop avoiding it; stop keeping it a shameful secret

Well, even then, I could not get the actual word out.  I could not get the word to come out..   I softened it; tried to make it more palatable for others

And there were occasions the opportunity presented itself; germane to the conversation at the time, but even though I had made up my mind; my mouth or my heart, or both; were never in agreement at the same time

so it was even longer until my first official; my very brave day.   and during a conversation which involved someone else talking about someone else who had been robbed, I said

"I've been robbed too.  Three times as a matter of fact."  

and the person on the other end of my first official very brave sharing took a big step away from me and said, "you sound like bad luck"

and that gesture and comment kept me silent for another many, several years.

if just being robbed was bad enough for this person to back away..    imagine if I shared the truth.

so it was decades; not months or years; but decades before I could openly share my traumatic kidnappings and rapes with the ease and confidence and understanding and maturity and favor and blessing and healing I experience today.      "Thank You! Jesus!"

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2.  Especially when you take the above into consideration..  and add other traumas/sufferings im not energized to add on in detail here write now.. but add it all together   -And add financial struggles, and add broken hearts/rejections, insecurities..  Add that I worked full time while attending college; add that I've not had wealth as a resource..  Add a business adventure that failed..  divorces..

From my personal perspective/experience..    I have done nothing but work, work, work, to heal, heal, heal, and the effort has been ongoing and enormous

so, I was shocked  -the very definition of the word applies-   when one day, a friend, with the tone and volume of enraged jealousy shouted at (me!)   "YOU CANNOT HAVE IT ALL!!"

I have never in my own thinking or experience or personal interpretation..    had so much, or even much of anything, that I thought could insight jealousy.  I was utterly caught off guard.

have it all?!?!?    to me someone like steph curry has it all;  generational wealth, good looks/health, mentally/spiritually fit; beautiful and healthy wife and children; an obviously wonderful and rare athletic gift/talent; power, fame, influence, friends/family, opportunities so abundant he has to turn down more people/places than most of us will ever even know.

Any progress I've made has been so painfully and incrementally earned, it seemed almost impossible that I could be the envy of anyone.   but, this had a similar effect that the gesture of backing away from me and branding me as bad luck had; it shut me up for a long time.

any progress was between God and I alone.

but just as I learned over time to be confident and honest about being kidnapped and raped, three different times by three different predators, and not caring anymore about what people make of that

I have also learned over time, and via experience, to be confident and honest about receiving God's blessings, favor, anointing; guidance

How can anyone know that I've been rescued and restored by Jesus unless they know from what hell.

And how can anyone know the value of being rescued and restored, and the actual blessings of the beauty for ashes exchange as written in the Bible, unless I share in what ways I've been doubly~blessed.

but being on the receiving end of someone's.. of anyone's envy/jealously   -a very difficult thing.

on the occasions I feel any hint of jealousy/envy surfacing in me toward anyone for anything; I hold that thought/feeling very captive and cast it down and delete it out and replace it with a gratitude prayer for the blessings I am swimming in.

and I have come to believe, that when someone is jealous of another person's good fortune  -this is the direct result of the individual focusing on what they think they lack, and unconsciously ignoring or severely minimizing their unique and individual blessings.

-count. your. blessings.  Magnify your blessings!

every saint, apostle, philosopher, motivational speaker..   sage of any/every kind teaches the same principal over and over and over:    attitude of gratitude

~miracles are born from their mating

law of attraction.



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how ironic when I think about it..   my 2 longest/most profound internal silences

1.  having such bad luck that someone backed away from me
2.  having a blessing big enough that it insighted jealousy

there is a great reminder tucked in here about not letting people determine your self-worth or value; yes...



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and my 3rd longest silence was in the aftermath of nine~eleven.    I just had no words.  for a really long time.

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all other vocal/mute experiences fall blended somewhere in the lack of a definable middle.

    ***

im inspired to write the above because..   I am rescued and restored and have just had the best year of my life; at age 52..


it was put on my heart, as the saying goes:   God's favor is not to be taken for granted; nor is it to be questioned.    -be grateful, humble and confident.

"Thank You!" Jesus  

Amen.

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No Staying Quiet

posted by SHE @ 10:33 PM