SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

"I wanna be like a man!". (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

First I thought it; then I declared it out loud, "I wanna be like a man!"

-specifically, I wanted to stop lugging my bowling bag of a purse around everywhere I go; and just keep a tri-fold wallet in my back pocket.

The trouble started write there.  -because in yet another act of pop culture rebellion I had re-done my back pockets so that..  Well I had no back pockets on my jeans; just a slice of lace in the shape of a pocket where the pocket used to be..

I'll spare you the details, and stop here only long enough to say.. It started seeming a little pathetic to me.. how the pockets on jeans started becoming status symbols; like, instead of the pocket being directly embroidered with a $ sign and the exact gross amount spent on said pair of jeans.. the design on the pocket screamed it for you

I had to make a change.   -couple that with my disgust at how..

Well,  -let's just say I've learned along the way subtle ways to direct people's attention   -away from this.. And toward that.   -so, if I see pop culture dictating all the attention..    -there.

I redirect it here.   God himself inclined me this way.

Anyway...  I got on another one of my personal rebellion rampages

"Like.. How did we  (we, meaning females)

" like.. How did we..   How and when exactly did we get suckered into carrying 20 to 30 pound purses everywhere we go when all men have ever needed is a wallet?!"

-this consumed me for a while..   The cost of purses; having the write one, the write size,  -the responsibility..  -the weight...  

50 extra pounds every day; All the time...  Everywhere we go...

-men live such care free frickin' lives!  -no make-up; no hair; no handbags... No shaving everywhere...   No painting their nails.. No menstrual cycle... No earrings...  Toe rings...  Bracelets...  No bras..

If I think about it too long I won't talk to one of those male creatures for months so I stopped myself: "Jesus.".       /that's all I say.   Its a short cut just between the two of us..  Or.. Four of us if you include God and the holy spirit..

Or back to two when you realize the three are one..

Well anyway..   Can't beat 'em, join 'em,  eh...

So I thought it to myself first; then I declared it out loud,  " I wanna be like a man!"

and the very next day.. True to my word..   /which is nothing like a man...

I decided I would leave my purse at home.

That's write.   -if men can go 365 with nothing but a wallet in their back pocket..  I see no reason I should lug 50 pounds of crap around everywhere I go.   -another culturally driven.. Capitalism motivated, pop-culture bad habit great big subvertly misogynistic TRAP!   -and I've been victim to it for too long!

and so, convinced Ive never really ever needed a purse in the first place; I left it at home.

I skipped to my car  -swinging both arms and hands freely i must add, and headed for the library before my shift at work.

Yes.. !..  My special order arrived.   -only when the lady at the desk requested my library card..  

Well. No big deal really, write.   I just didn't have a wallet yet.  But! When I do get my very own man-like Tri fold wallet, I thought to myself,  I will be sure and put my library card in it.

I skipped back to my car swinging both my arms and hands freely..  Just for fun, I said to myself in a pretend panic..  'Oh my God.. did you forget your purse in the library?'.  "NO!". with child like giggles I said, " I don't have one!"

I like this life ... Living like a man.

On my way to work, at a stop sign, a passerby smiled at me. But when I returned his smile, my lips hurt a little.  Chapped.  -so I reached for my ChapStick..

'Oh. Its in my purse...    That I don't have.'

Ah, well.. No big deal really. I licked my own lips and kept write on smiling.

When I got to work..  Only natural I should reach over and grab my purse before I got out of the car.. -been doing' it for over 40 years after all..

But there was no purse to grab.  No big thing to lug in with me.

How light on their feet men live!          -bastards.

And so I skipped in for my shift.   -but first!  -I had to use the restroom.

While in the restroom I discovered a great surprise.   As in

"Surprise!". -you need a tampon.

And so I went to get a tampon out of my purse, only.. 

Frickin' men. And their Frickin' wallets...

No big deal though.  I just stuck a half roll of toilet paper in my pants and..

Well,  - this did make it difficult to skip..  

My coworker welcomed me with warmth as usual and then asked about a text she'd sent..

" yes.. Let me grab my ...   Phone.  Which. Is. In. My. Purse. I. Do. not.have."

Men.  Where do they keep their phones? In their wallets?

Smiling at every customer with dry chapped lips which were only barely bleeding really, I waddled on.

After about an hour or so, I had cause to refill the register tape and when I reached inside the box for the refill... 

My heart stopped.    "My purse!?!". ...  Its always write there!  -write there!  Next to the tape..     Where did it go?   Did I leave it at the library?  Oh my God! I left it at the library..

and I was just about to explain to my coworker how I was going to need to leave write now!  And race to the library and check the lost and found..   When I realized..

-Men.  Frickin' men and their frickin' wallets.

Anyway..  Then I needed a piece of chocolate to calm me down and celebrate the fact that I hadn't lost my purse or had it stolen..

But my chocolate was at home in the bottom of my purse that I didn't need.

By this time I had chapped bleeding lips, a roll of toilet paper in my pants, I was not calm, in no mood to celebrate, and my mouth was dry..

So I went to get a piece of gum..

Which is of course write next to my chocolate at the bottom of my purse that i don't need.

'Easy fix!'. I thought to my carefree man self..  I'll just have some water..

And! Since I don't have my purse which i also use to carry water and food..  I'll just go next door and buy s...

Except my money was in my purse too.

Fine.  I'll fast.
get a head start on lent.  No big deal.

When my lunch break came, I thought fasting would be pretty easy because I could just read instead

-where do men carry their books?

Fine again; I don't have to eat or read. - I'll meditate! 

   But the lack of food, water, ChapStick, gum, tampon, phone and reading material gave me a terrible headache

So I went to reach for some aspirin....

Where do men keep their aspirin?

I was trying so hard to be stoic about the whole thing.. Fighting back the tears and smiling through cracked lips, that my nose started to run..

Where do men keep their Kleenex?

And then..  Just when my no-lunch break was over and I got back  to work feeling all triumphant and man like..

A pokey thing I rang up at the register pierced my thumb and it started bleeding.    -why not, huh..   "Jesus."

Where do men keep their Band-Aids?

Not one to give up easily and certainly not one willing to surrender to the unnecessary, cultural practices that enslave women and keep them weighted down under the capitalistic conspiracy commonly referred to as -fashion

I simply and very matter of factly wiped my nose on my sleeve.

No big deal.    

I made it through the whole day.

I do not need a purse.   Or a wallet!   Or a man!

All I really need

All I really need are my car keys..

"Oh my God!   -where did I put my car keys?   -they're usually in my purse...

posted by SHE @ 7:54 PM