BE THE FIRST TO TELL by (me!) sandra, tvgp
i must speak to this issue. to this article in the pleasanton weekly titled, YMCA forum deals with sex abuse arrest.. it is in regards to an andrew michael nisbet, a golf coach, who has been charged with 65 felony counts.. as a rape survivor myself, i am hypersensitive to articles regarding sexual abuse.. while as you, if you have not experienced anything so horrific, you may read the article, unaffected, sip your morning coffee, shovel some eggs and toast in your mouth, (DEAR READER.. LONG PARAGRAPHS I JUST TYPED SPONTANEOUSLY HAVE JUST BEEN WIPED OUT.. -SOMETIMES i feel so defeated i want to scream and .. i can't get them back, my words, the way they just came out.. let me keep going anyway). Where was i? i'm not even going to worry about what was just lost.. my post will make less sense, but let me get write back to where i was before the wipe out: i was sharing my ultimate goal: my ultimate goal is this: to get victims of sexual abuse to speak out. speak out first. speak out early. speak out. SPEAK OUT! SPEAK OUT! -SILENCE.. is still, in 2014.. the number one weapon employed by predators. they can count on it.. count on it in our culture.. they literally use our shame based culture to their advantage. it sickens me. i'm awkward on the subject with my own children.. imagaine that! as a rape survivor.. wanting with my whole heart and entire being to protect my children, and everyone's children, from this horrific crime.. even i feel awkward. -that is also used to their leverage. it sickens me. i return briefly to when i learned that the rapist i helped put in jail, had been arrested (or held) before.. victims who for reasons i am not priviledged to know but certainly can guess.. changed their minds about going to court. decided not to prosecute. guess where that left me: a victim. -i wont pretend to know the truth about this article in the pleasanton weekly, the truth about this specific alleged predator.. how many victims, etc. -but i do know, and can confidently share the pattern that continues to this day: silence as a weapon which yields more and more victims. the crime -the criminal does not, will not stop until someone SPEAKS OUT! IF you are a victim who does not speak out, your silence literally contributes to the success and empowerment of the predator. If you are not a victim, just an everyday citizen, and you do not create an environment where victims feel they can safely SPEAK OUT.. you are literally contributing to the success and empowerment of predators. i know, i know, i know, no one wants to conspire with predators.. it is not with intention..it is ignorance. but we have got to wake up.. speak out. and so, to the young boys who did speak out.. "Thank You!" -your courage is enormous, i'm well aware, and you should receive honor, badges, glorification for helping PREVENT Further victims in the predators line of fire.. to the victims who were rendered, manipulated into silence by both the predator and our culture: i understand. the odds were stacked very high -very high- against you. do not absorb shame or guilt that belongs to the predator, and to our culture at large. we've all got some work to do.. and now let me share with you, that very recently, i woke in the middle of the night.. it has been over 30 years since i was kidnapped at gunpoint and covered up and raped.. i still wake at night sometimes. i refuse to process this as some kind of weakness on my part, and rather process it as a result of the severity of the traumatic crime -anyway.. my brain tries so hard to understand: i go like, okay.. i can understand when someone car-jacks.. they have a drug addiction maybe, need money, need transportation.. they go steal the first car they see.. got it. i can understand gang violence.. territory wars.. i can understand when one gang member does something offensive to another gang member and i can understand -revenge. i understand that violence.. i do not approve or condone.. but i understand. i understand (again, always.. dont approve or condone, just understand) i understand when people steal money and things.. and i understand when people hurt people who have hurt them.. got it. got it. got it. -but! under what set of circumstances, does a person, -who does not steal a car? who does not steal money or things? under what set of circumstances does a person.. go kidnap, rape and terrorize someone who did nothing to them ever? whatsoever.. and the rapist doesnt steal the car? or any material things in the car? -the crime is literally exclusive to terrorizing an unknown human being.. there is no revenge involved? or perhaps that is exactly what it is about.. revenge against.. women (a given gender), a race (white people), an economic system (capitalism) -taken out on a human being that represents a larger internal war and struggle for the criminal... i dont know. but, sometimes, even though over 30 years have passed. i wake. in the middle of the night. and wonder about these things....
posted by SHE @ 8:31 AM
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