Monday, April 01, 2019

The Greatest Thing I Never Did (me!) sandra, tvgp

(me!):   "baby..  I want you to take a look at the segment I sent you...  and the boston globe article..   you've had 4 years of college level psychology...   21+ years life experience...   I want your …  I want..    /tearing up, unable to speak

daughter:   "did it trigger..."

(me!):   "trigger!  trigger! trigger!"

and I couldn't speak more on the topic, because I would just cry, and that is so unproductive when you're trying to communicate, and we were on a very restricted time schedule.

she came to share my 1/2 hour lunch at alden lane.   and there we sat, in company of the 400 old valley oaks, gorgeous camellias, 100's of roses just shy of blooming..   on a perfect climate, blue sky day, people shopping for plants/flowers/trees all around us, with such happiness a rain-free spring/summer day had finally arrived

and, as is always, always, true..  I was very conscious of the fact

   -the only reason I could even be sitting outside with my beautiful young adult daughter; enjoying conversation, eating chili, apples, donut dessert

  -the only reason I could recently fix a salmon dinner, snickerdoodle/mint ice cream dessert, and get a good visit in with my handsome young adult son,

-the only reason I could recently fix biscuits and gravy for my dad and his wife... and get in a good visit

 -the only reason I could recently fix pot roast/mash potatoes and get in a good visit with my mom and her husband..

-the only reason I can be in love with Robert, acclimating to a place I get to call home..  and letting him teach me how to make these meals to share with friends and family...

-the only reason I get to talk with my sister, nieces, nephews, brother...  relatives... friends..

-the only reason I can enjoy my coffee visits with treasured friends like Catherine, Carla, Mary, Lisa, Anne, Carol, Kathy..

the only reason I can write this write now...

is because of the greatest thing I NEVER DID!

i'm always   -now-    so grateful I didn't do it.  

and trust me...      I had good cause.    accumulating all the time...       people would have not condoned it for sure; but people would have understood..

but, wow!   -all the time, wow!   -to consider all the years, life experiences I would have missed out on..  it's overwhelming

and my daughter had a great, valid, and factual thought to share, 

-something we have both learned is painfully true:

-sometimes talking about it...

makes it worse; not better.

-sometimes, the attention paid to a topic by the media..

makes it worse; not better.

you get copycats..

you get people who are highly suggestive... in vulnerable times; 

you have immaturity, sensitivities..  mental disorders triggered..

and this is true, 

even if all the media attention is being used to say "DONT DO THIS"

the attention itself results in more people doing it..


i'm on a bit of a tightrope..

but, knowing what I've said above is TRUE

it is why I stopped talking about, writing about, or even thinking about

[and you cannot find any reference to it for the past 10 years of my blog for that reason; and I wont even mention it here]


so, if talking helps, and the numbers DECREASE; talk some more..

but if talking/writing INCREASES the statistic, widens the problem..


what I want to discuss then, here

is what, in my 5 plus decades, and having survived multiple traumas

what I've learned about the human brain/the mind..

and, my learning is from life experience
i'm hoping my daughter will share, in comments, what she's learned
in the academic world, with 4 years of college level psychology under her belt



and all of this, it is with love, and in memory and honor of Alexandra Valoras
we don't have a lot in common, 

but the couple things we do have in common, they are very significant

a sister scribe, 

I was so moved to see and learn how she loved to write; hand write
and keep a journal..

the journal, her journal..

she described as being the one thing she never wanted to end.  she loved it the most.

and I feel this way of my blog...

and now, the 13 years+ and over 4,000 writings, pictures, ..

not one word of it would exist, if for not the greatest thing I never did.

let's return however, with love

and in Jesus name, to what we can learn; what I have learned


Alexandra wrote it with her own hand:

This book is my garden.
I don't grow much.
A lot of weeds overrun it. The soil is rocky.


if you watch the segment on cbs sunday morning, 

I first want to point out, how..

a HUGE, grand canyon size contrast between what was going on INSIDE
and what was being seen on the OUTSIDE.

I lived like that for many years..

and share her experience of just wanting to BE ALONE...

smiling and chatting with family and friends like all was normal..but pre-occupied on the inside with JUST WANTING TO BE ALONE

and kind of knowing what I needed to do in order to get there; ALONE



I have become aware, that out of the two lives all humans simultaneously have; INNER/OUTER

the one we ourselves,  (the host container) consider 'true'

the one we would identify as being 'real'   [much more later on what 'real' means]

is our INNER life.

the silent thoughts of our mind when we are alone

and we see this with Alexandra, 

she did not ultimately respond to her outer life as 'real', or she would still be here.

she responded/reacted to her inner life.  /what mechanism allows us to identify real vs. acting? authentic vs. pretending?

the lesson here, is be aware of inner lifes/thoughts/feelings

and challenge them!

to seculars I say that:   challenge your thoughts/question their authority

Christians already know, from Bible teachings to 'hold every thought captive'

and, this is equally true of 'feelings'

it should also be said, 'hold every feeling captive'   question its authority


it seems to me, 

we have default systems; mental default systems, 

default thoughts..  and default feelings

(negative) default thoughts and (negative) default feelings, both come up like weeds in our mind..

we did not ourselves, plant them..

 no effort on our part, was or is required..

they just pop up here, and there, and there and here..

and left unaddressed, unattended

they take over very quickly.





can you eliminate the weeds
and beautify your garden 

and the same way, we need to CONTINUALLY WEED...

this thought/feeling assess, weed, replacement...   needs to be  A LIFE LONG PRACTICE

and, like anything else, 

if you keep up on it..

the less labor intensive, and easier to manage..

the human mind can only be conscious of one thought/feeling at a time

and that space is either going to be positive or negative or neutral

it is the same with that space in the soil

if there is a weed there; there cannot, in that exact same space also be a healthy flower

it is always one or the other

and where a healthy flower has taken space

that exact same space cannot be simultaneously a weed

they can be side to side, yes..   but not taking up the exact same space



if we do nothing but pull out the weed, the weed returns..

and I have been in this practice for many years now

holding my inner thoughts and feelings captive..



there is never a time when the job is done

it is like our need for water

you can't drink a whole bunch one day and have it last for weeks, or years..

every. single. day.
day. in. and. day. out.

a few, multiple times
every. single. day

hold your thoughts, and your feelings captive



your mind is your garden.

what would you like for it to look like?


Alexandra's garden



future addendums -  getting weeds "by the roots!"

when material/academic success is not success at all...

 a spiritual autopsy of Alexandra

origin of thoughts themselves; the mind as the battle field

how we hear our thoughts



we come to earth with instructions

what we love to do instructs us on what we are here to do;

what suffering we endure instructs us on who we are here to help


In "Thank You Jesus!" that I am rescued and restored's, name...     amen & amen.


where was I?    yes..      we are discussing suicide, and more specifically suicidal thoughts

what I know is this:

the LIE that suicidal humans believe is that how they are 'feeling' in the moment; in the time window they are currently in

they believe that is how they will "feel" for their whole lives; they cannot see a way out

and, we can agree, cant we..

if you read alexandras journal..  and you see how she was 'feeling'

that, if anyone had to feel that way, day in and day out, for the rest of a really long life..

it would be no quality of life at all; the whole thing would in fact be miserable.

but, what we know,

from the millions of people who 'considered' or 'attempted' suicide, but did not go through with it, or did not succeed

yikes!  the word 'succeed' should NOT BE USED in this context; ever!

let me correct

from the millions of people who attempted suicide, but did not die, and went on to

very slowly


  -well, there are too many testimonies to count, about how a human beings life can get slowly turned around, and become

joyful, challenging/rewarding, worth living, productive..     of value and service to many others..



so, let's look closer at the current statistics   /not fact checked by me, 

as presented on the cbs segment, 

2nd leading cause of death
males and females
15-24 years old.

40 year high
for females 15 - 19 years old.

let's wonder together here...
I will do no actual research..  but have these questions:

when did an entity start keeping statistics on suicide?
what, how did those statistics originate?   for what population group?

and, if looking over the years from the beginning of keeping such a statistic
to this present day

in what time frame were suicides at an all time low?
what was going in the cultural at the time?

and, as we are at an all time high, apparently
what is going on in our culture, which is contributing to the increase..

I wonder about also, 

how much you have to know/understand; what level of consciousness
a human has to be, in order to genuinely even contemplate suicide  -for real

I would say, I was in the 14 - 18 year old range

but prior to that age..    very yucky life circumstances..
I just didn't yet, at say, age 6- 10..
I didn't yet know what suicide was..

I have no memory of when I heard the word and learned the definition for the first time
and how much longer after learning about it..   until I considered it for myself

a way out

certainly we hear very young people, saying the words, 'I just want to kill myself'
or 'kill that person'

but at a certain age, these are words coming from someone who would never actually murder, or commit suicide

but, how old?   or what is the youngest age, a human being has
committed suicide?

and I have a vision entering
a kindergarten child, having a toy taken away

not ready or willing to share..
not ready or willing to have something   -taken/ripped out their hands

and this kindergarten child
if this is what life is going to be like...   i'll just kill myself...

and, of course.. all of this, just imagination/pondering to make a point

to help people think..

how old, what level of consciousness before it becomes serious?


if we had the kindergarten child  -in a moment of high hurt and emotion
ready to kill themselves

any adult, could...    "don't be silly..   that is ridiculous..
something so drastic!   -for, something so ultimately minor..

and, when things appear minor to someone on the outside, 
but how that same something, feels very major to a different person on the inside

-how those sensitivity levels are formed/shaped? felt/interpreted by the host human

and in my imagination...

from God's perspective, 

our adults..   

the ones so depressed, anguished, stuck, hurting..

they are all kindergartners

making major decisions, based on

from a heavenly, eternal perspective, 

minor, temporary


but not impossible; 

unfortunate, yes

but not infinitely devastating

-we return to the cliché-

suicide.  a permanent solution to what was a temporary problem.

and, I interject here..


for some stretches, I was merely living
from one severe temporary problem

to a new severe  - but - temporary problem.

length, intensity,  -all variables


boy am I glad..

always glad to be here.


YES  -this decade in a young persons life
15 - 25, give or take a couple a years


everyone has by this time, received a set of messages
from their families, their neighbors, their social groups/friends
their culture, their leaders/teachers
society and mass media and social media

it is my opinion, 

that more important than math, and science

we should be learning during this time
how to identify what messages we have received, their origins
under what messages are our lives influenced?

-because every single person is under the influence of someone/something..

a plethora of messages..

and I would say, very few young people are receiving and living under the influence of this message:

and we should teach young people how to evaluate/assess/challenge..

how to hold thoughts captive

how to become impervious to negative/hostile thoughts/messages and people




in the nursery, 

I am exposed to people every day..

and they are paying money

picking out pretty plants..

picking out very specific soil..

picking out such specific fertilizers, 

carefully, mindfully..


careful, mindful

about the amount of sun/shade..

so much attention, effort, energy


pruning by instruction


so that the pretty plant they paid for 

all so that it will thrive.

, but, 

look at these weeds

amazes (me!)

no money has been spent

no books have been read

no soil has been amended

no fertilizers added

no attention to the amount of sun/shade..

with no effort at all..

no special conditions..

they just THRIVE



in my opinion and analogy, 

it is because


negative thoughts need no special conditions, attention, mindful anything
they just pop up like weeds

to replace a negative thought with a positive thought takes conscious effort.

and, let's return here

to the beauty

of the process

of the evolution

of when we do put in effort:

unconsciously incompetent, to consciously incompetent, to consciously competent to unconsciously competent

/sure wish I knew who first condensed and thought and wrote that one!

so, what can initially take a great deal of effort

through practice/habit..

become a type of effortless success.


if we stay with the garden/weed analogy:

the hard work of creating a beautiful garden
evolves toward an easy ability to maintain a beautiful garden.

in its shortest, most elegant form:

creating hard; maintaining easy

it can be fun..  its strange..

 the results of no effort at all

vs.  putting in so much effort it ultimately becomes effortless

there is quite a distinction   no effort   vs. effortless...



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