she says with a smile dot blogspot dot com

ESPECIALLY FOR LEONARD STEGMANN from (me! & carol!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-27T15:55:00.000-08:00

wish i could comment with a picture... but that feature just doesn't exist yet. if it did.. would have uploaded this in response to your blog post today:

WHICH ONE ARE YOU? by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

you are on your way to work and see a person in need; car trouble

you.. barely notice; glance without becoming conscious of what you've seen.. and continue driving looking all around while your mind is consumed with matters of your day ahead

you... notice and consciously take in that there is a person in need.. you trust someone else will be along soon to help them and continue on your way

you... notice/consciously take in there is a person in need.. are unable to stop because you have a very important matter of your own to deal with, and so toss out a prayer -asking for forgivness for yourself, and for God to send someone to help the person in need

you notice/consciously take in.. and use your phone to call someone else to come help

you.. notice/consciously take in there is a person in need.. you have places to go, people to see and are annoyed, but still pull over to inquire whether or not the person could use your help (hoping they don't) -and provide the minimum amount of support required before you are on your way

you.. notice/consciously take in there is a person in need... and you've been that person in need before, so -with your heart in it, as the saying goes.. you pull over and offer to help (grateful you can be of service)
--and provide support above and beyond what is actually needed

you.. notice/consciously take in there is a person in need.. and you really, /as this saying goes.. don't give a shit

you... not only don't give a shit, but take pleasure in witnessing someone in need

you.. not only don't give a shit, and take pleasure in seeing a person in need.. but add to their trouble by driving close by and throwing some litter in their direction while laughing

***

now..

God is a reader of hearts. the heart whisperer... he knows hearts, and minds, and conscious awareness and your conscience too

do you know what does and does not matter in the scenarios above?

what religion the person in need is; or what religion you are.

***

if you will allow me another food analogy -God pays attention to the meal; not the plate it's served on.

***

addendum: because in fact.. in the scenarios above, none of these things matter:

religion of either person; age of either person; race of either person; gender of either person; sexual orientation of either person; income of either person; education level of either person; what type of car either person is driving;

none of these things matter

our God is a God of hearts.

OUR CHURCH, OUR GLUE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-25T09:41:00.000-08:00

the sooner i'm employed again, the better

and in my enthusiasm to work.. i nearly sacrificed what has become one of my personal favorite days of the week, and most valuable to our family and friends

yes i need $$

but! especially after last sunday.. when we all met at centerpointe.. my sister, my niece, my nephew.. my mom .. my handsome prince.. his daughters... me, my daughter, my son.. carol

and not everyone is there, every sunday.. but often enough

and my daughter's boyfriend may be joining us..

and there are so many beautiful faces of friends and family..

it is literally our centerpointe; this church. the one day and place we all gather to have our hearts and minds renewed; reminded; reinvigorated

and always beautiful music... and always a great message, great lesson from pastor mike for those of us in worship

and equally valuable messages, lessons for our children in their individual classes

the blessings of so many friendships..

and so often, we gather afterward, for lunch together.. and always i feel God smiling at us; on us; through us...

i am happy to work just about any hours, mon-sat, and even sunday late afternoon and evening. but i came to the conclusion i will not work sunday mornings and will always be at church to thank God for our blessings and to ask for help on our journey.

***

i feel very connected to the spirit world

***

few weeks back pastor mike described -as quoted from a different author/book.. something about two types of knowledge

i'll paraphrase: descriptive vs. experiential

he used the currently popular -indoor sky diving, as an example. it is a place you can safely experience what it might be like to sky dive; an indoor simulation...

and you can read about the experience on their website.. and you are knowledgeable about it, because you have read what it is like: that falls in the descriptive knowledge category

and then you can pay to go have the actual experience, and that falls in the experiential category

-you know from your personal experience.

for me, personally,

my knowledge of God, is far more experiential than descriptive. that is, i continue to read the bible.. and gain small amounts, here and there, about God through reading about him

but even without full knowledge of the bible

i experience God on a fairly regular basis. only other people who share this experience know what i'm talking about.. (although access is available to everyone seeking)

but we do know; God. and we do not doubt his existence or presence in the face of suffering... we know all things (including suffering) -can be used for the good for those who believe

i believe.

****

i'm aware of my personal growth and accomplishments -not in the worldly ways, but spiritual. and i am aware of what areas God is continuing to work on with me, through life experiences i encounter daily

****

the big life lessons.. are too much for me to document. much of my schooling goes on through personal prayer with God

but every once in a while, a tiny, delightful example of the God i've come to know, presents itself, and i share it out loud with my children

may seem silly at first, but -this is an example of the God i have come to know:

i went to park at a local basketball game. parking lot was very crowded. i wanted to park close because it was raining. the only spot available would have required me to parallel park; not a strength of mine, but i was willing to give it a go

cars are lining up behind me and my kids are asking me to just give up.. find a different spot

i'm like.. i think i can remember how to do this. ...

in truth.. i couldn't remember and failed on my first try...

but i was still willing to try again.. despite having to make a few people wait behind me...

next thing you know, the people who own the car in the front spot, show up and get inside and drive off, which made it perfectly easy for me to park because i no longer had to squeeze between two cars

i slid write in.

i said out loud.. "now that! is the God i've come to know" -even in my weaknesses.. i am not punished; i am helped.

now.. for each of us,.. there are strengths and weaknesses.. and there are weaknesses God will work with you on to become strengths.. through, sorry to say.. sometimes hard life experiences

but there are also weaknesses, God accepts.. would never dream of punishing you for.. ridiculing you for; nor will he try to change them; he just reaches out through people and circumstances to help you

so beautiful; so merciful; so loving and kind

you will never be required to be perfect; but you will be asked to do the best you can

hallelujah! & amen!

***

also.. paraphrasing, but on my mind.. pastor mike breaks down the story of the bible in 4 parts

the creation; the fall; the recreation; ... eternal life(?)

when he talks about the fall of man... adam/eve -doing the one thing they were told not to.. separating themselves from God by falling into temptation

the fall represents for me.. well, it serves as evidence of our free will. God could have easily created us to obey all his commandments

but God did not create robots. we choose.

and i could spend hours contemplating the awe factor of free will... i see evidence of it everywhere...

now.. this evidence does not eliminate forms of determinism.. -this exists also..

we have genetics, we have brain wiring, we have predispositions, we have culture, we have human bodies of flesh and bone

but we also have spirit; we also have free will. amazing.

i am constantly amazed.

***

and worth relistening to joel osteen speak about being fireproof.. this is my experience also.. that God won't always prevent the fire

he'll be with you as you enter the fire.. remain with you in the fire..

stand with open arms of love on the other side

helping you to become fireproof... not easily offended; not easily frightened; not easily intimidated... not easily presuaded to doubt, not easily tempted, etc, etc,

this ability to stand tall and strong and confident in the face of ... anything and anyone

and so that sums up my prayer requests.. yes, Dear God.. help me to become fireproof.

thank you! amen

NAKED a poem by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

originally posted 03/20/2011:

reposting for two reasons: 1) recently i said something to my handsome prince about ~seeing him at his worst... (in fact, i am curious about all people at their worst)

he tells me, "you already have -this is my worst" and points to what he considers to be his messy hair.

i was like, -oh, no, no, no.. you don't know what i mean then..

i mean,

i want to see you

NAKED

***

and

when i say i want to see you naked

i don't mean without your clothes, stupid.

i mean

without the props. left stage. stage left.

away from the scenery you've painted all around you, to influence your pedestrian audience; fork-feed your ego.

i mean

i want to see you

under pressure
off balance
in a fix
overwhelmed

i want to see what direction you look when i back you in my corner

and the expression your beautiful human face takes -from down on your knees.

i want to see you in nothing but vulnerability

with your health taxed, and wealth in question.

when God spills hot coffee on your masterpiece.

i know you lie.

we all do.

but i want to see under what circumstance; to who; for how long...

i want to see you

i want to see you naked

and alone

disconnected from every false sense of security

faced with the fact

that

despite your every pre-conquered fear
and grand spectrum of dark, wobbly, confidences

i love you

and want to see you naked

like me.

****

/and i want in the worst way to read this... out loud; VLOG it. video tape my reading of it..

but i do not yet have the equipment i need to do so

there are 3 of my poems i want desperately to read out loud; to VLOG

this one; table top piano; and ... can't remember the title of the other one.. just remember a few stanza's.. but i wrote it shortly after my friend's husband died

i'm without the tools i need

feels like a mild form of creative torture...

VIEWER'S COMMENTS from (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

could be my imagination.. then again.. i could be write

but it sure seems like all my favorite tv people are like, on fire these past few weeks

joyce meyer -!- no one teaches the bible like she does.. i'm constantly tellin' the television set, "love you!" "that's write!" "amen!" -and.. how long, how long, how long have i been waiting for a spiritual leader to come write out with it

and tell these women in abusive relationships to get the heck out! FINALLY! she said it.. and it was interesting because she went from tellin' people they shouldn't be gettin' out of marriages to..

tellin' the ones in abusive relationships.. "God doesn't want you being abused.. or your children being abused"

so, "thank you! joyce meyer.." -we need a lot more straight talk from leaders like you "encore!"

***

and you know my charlie rose.. he's on fire too! now, i just can't watch him on cbs this morning, so no comment there, but on his pbs show

no stoppin' him. one great question after another.. and gracious as always.. and then.. well, and isn't he just so polite about knowing what he knows...

i'm not gonna say names, i'm just gonna say that when that one female author person was on, i was talkin' to the tv, like

"oh, honey... do you think he just started interviewing yesterday? he has so got your number.. you aren't foolin' him for one nano second " /but it's one of the many things i love.. he's so gracious. doesn't rip her up on national tv just because he can

but he knows when he's got a genuine guest and when he's got an opportunist. and i know when he knows; i've been watchin' him a long time

and since i've been watchin' him a long time.. i do believe i'm quite qualified to share my recommendation to cbs

spare him the "this morning" program, and give him his own uninterrupted hour -pbs, on cbs..

i see no reason why they aren't already doing this, do you?

***

and joel.. he is exactly correct.. the world is starved for someone to lift their spirits, give them hope, remind them that God is on their side

love, faith, hope -he sticks to these biblical truths -and true, he side steps the controverserial issues to a certain degree

but you can find controversary 24/7, 365, just about everywhere else on tv and the internet

how often can you find love, faith and hope?

thank you joel osteen! for reminding me i am a child of the most high God

i receive that today! " amen & amen"

***

now..

in my effort to fit in.. i've found one sit com i can stomach.. i can more than stomach.. i actually enjoy: the big bang theory

catch myself laughing out loud at the great writing, wonderful delivery by the cast.. and i'm always, in my writer mode, seeing how they set up the comedy -brilliant.

and had to say no thank you to rob.. not because it isn't good.. but because i can only take so much formula/laugh track comedy in one week

they do change the set, the race and cast of characters.. but so much of it is just the same, the same, the same...

and even bigger no to..

what did handsome prince have me watching? game of thrones? apparently he loves it... i believe my brother would love it, handsome prince has a whole bunch of friends who love it

i'll never watch it again. the entertainment value i place on, and interest level i have for dramatic territory wars, incest, gratuitous nudity, abusive, gluttonous men is: zero.

****

but! i'd watch any one of those actors/directors/writers in an interview and find it fascinating if they spoke about their craft and art -even though i don't like that particular show

reminds me.. i read every word of joyce carol oats journals. have never read even one of her novels; probably never will

THE HANDS GOD DEALT (me!) a poem by sandra, tvgp

2012-01-24T16:54:00.000-08:00

oh,

when i look at the hands God dealt me...

steering the car

clapping for my son on the basketball court

making coffee

affectionately twirling my daughter's hair

folded in prayer

when i look at these hands that God dealt me..

caressing my lover's skin

washing myself in the shower

opening doors and windows

moving my wireless mouse

texting i love you's to my parents

clinking wine glasses with my brother and sister and friends

when i stop and look at these hands that God has dealt me...

as they feel a blooming flower

trace hearts in the dust on the dashboard of my car

test the temperature of water from the kitchen faucet

tuck my hair behind my ears

i mean

just look at these hands that God has dealt me

the ones i'm using write now on the keyboard to type this poem

how could i possibly thank God enough for the hands that he has dealt me?

~use them for his glory every day.

Dancin'write on through. (me!) Sandra, tvgp

2012-01-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

-and so here is my plan:

...to dance write on through every stage of my miraculous life...

With love from your hotness (me!). Sandra, tvgp

2012-01-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

"k... When was the last time I called you handsome prince or my sexiness?"

/you can tell write away I'm on his I-pad

He goes.. "I don't know... This morning or something"

I go "CORRECT! -now.. When was the last time you called me your hotness?"

(he's still thinking.... Which makes my point without me actually needing to, see)

This is how quickly it happens

"but... You're my wife now... I call you my wife". /tries to rescue himself

"WIFE!? That's like a huge demotion! -from your hotness to... Your wife? Yuck"

- - - -

And so he asks me this morning why I think the word wife is a demotion

And without sharing actual names with you. I will explain with one short true story:

Once there was a husband and he had an important busy job

He recruited his wife to help. Hired her as like a secretary of sorts. They work together for a long while.

Job requires more help, so the husband hires two more. -younger, women

And the husband treats his two new employees to lunch.

But

He never even offered to take his wife to lunch before or after they were hired.

- - -

I have witnessed versions of this scenario too many times to count over the years

Watched the wife get taken advantage of, ignored, looked over. And starves for his attention

While the husband, meanwhile, feeds his ego from any variety of plates and bitches

I'm sorry

I mean. -plates and dishes.

- - -

Wife: Has such a negative connotation in my imagination

Who wouldn't rather be the mistress?

But. -hate that idea too

So, He is my handsome prince of sexiness. /because husband has a negative connotation for me also

And I am his hotness

/this is your friendly 6 month anniversary reminder honey

Because, "I love you!"

MORE EVIDENCE: I WAS BORN TO VLOG (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-19T12:04:00.000-08:00

happened across this again thank you to my random picture gadget.

my pupil progress report from the 3rd grade. southgate elementary school, hayward, california.

look at that..

an interest in creative writing, oral expression...

leadership skills.

.. just had to patiently wait for the write canvas to evolve. -and now, my time has come.

"TO VLOGS!" -can't wait to get started.

ONLY ONE COPY OF (MY!) BOOK LEFT AT RAKESTRAW, sandra, tvgp

2012-01-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

and so during my fieldtrip with my niece to downtown danville, we stopped in at rakestraw books

said "hi" to the book goddess and the owner, michael

collected a stack of my eat, write & exercise books that weren't selling out of their store

-they sold best out of ruby hill's gift store, when people could meet me (but let's be honest.. this did not result in growing online sales)

anyway..

i offered to take them all off his hands (not realizing he sent me an email in november asking me to do so)

and michael ("thank you!") offered to keep one in stock. "is that okay?" he says, "if we keep one?"

"i'd be honored."

so

had to smile on our way out the door.

technically.. if i have one reader here, and one in new zealand -i can honestly say, "i have an international audience!" -write.

and technically.. "i have only one book left on the shelf at rakestraw!"

***

anyway..

my niece had a good time in the store. i could tell she felt very grown up, asking the staff for "AR" books. -and they were kind enough to pull up a list on their computer and let her look, and use the mouse, and navigate the computer on her own

we glanced briefly at a book about martin luther king jr., written by his niece
-and i could tell she liked the idea of a niece as an author

but it was a little advanced -so we mostly scanned the pictures

i just had to point out, that's why we could even be havin' so much fun on a monday when she should be in school -martin luther king jr. holiday

and we looked around a little more..

and she landed on this one:

****

we walked around a little more.. enjoyed a burger & fries, and ice cream with extra, extra, hot fudge at the foster freeze

and i-spied a heart shape on the sidewalk -write at the corner of hartz and church street:

***

there is no explaining my optimism really; except for the holy spirit

i just have it cemented in my mind, my heart, my spirit, my soul

1) not to give up
2) not to rearrange or change my writing to fit someone else's expectations, rules or regulations

3) not to worry about appealing to the masses, but rather.. continue searching until i find that -one write person

who gets me; exactly as i am. who gets my writing; exactly as it is.

***

and i think often, of how blessed, how lucky.. how born to blog i am

because i am a very ecclectic writer. i really don't see any other platform that can provide a canvas open and flexible enough for the type, or amount, of writing i do

and so thank you exclusively and only to the blogosphere

i write on

~knowing

something magical is going on here.

and here.

21ST CENTURY FEMALE VERSION OF ARCHIE BUNKER (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

who knows how these conversations actually get started. i don't remember.. think i was having my handsome prince feel my freshly shaved legs

but complaining about the razor.. because it didn't shave well... you could still feel those annoying stubles

anyway..

somehow i mention my bikini shave, which for who knows what reason beyond being a creature of habit and optimism

i have continued for -ever. despite being single for so long, and despite the fact i never actually wear a bikini

so..

this then springboard's into, relatively speaking, and only in context of course...

a natural question

"have you ever shaved all your hair off completely?" -he was asking about my pubic hair

i go, "heavens no! are you kidding? i think any man who asks a woman to shave all her hair has some kind of sick child thing going on! that's twisted! i mean,

-why?! why would any real man want a real woman's body to resemble -in any way... the body of a prepubscent girl?

yuck! very suspicious... i'd keep moving write along if i met someone like that.."

and then he goes.. "well, what about those braziallian waxes?! huh, huh, huuuuhhhhh? are those women sick? huh, huh, huuuhhh?"

write away, i go, "well now, that there is all about capitalism! -first they create a little insecurity... then they create a fashion trend...

now you have to pay to wear the fashion and feel less insecure -so, braziallian waxes: that's capitalism /twisted in it's own way... if i may say so and add on at will here.."

and then he hopped in the shower and i played with his i-pad, and got to laughing a little at myself

because, my God.. where do i come up with this stuff. -when i replayed my portion of the conversation, i thought i rather sounded like a 21st century female version of archie bunker

and if you watched the show..

well

only on a very rare and special occasion was he as write as he believed.

but he was rarely and occasionally write; i'm just sayin'.

Furthermore dear Steve... By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

2012-01-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

When I just tried to edit yesterday's blog post. - ifound there is no way to scroll down and reach paragraphs that do not initially appear in the edit box. -if you need to edit the first couple paragraphs you're in luck

But if you need to edit the last paragraph. - you're stuck

Even if we attach a regular keyboard and bypass the flat glass keyboard. -you can't scroll around to post/edit. OR scroll around when leaving comments on someone else's blog post

So... I will enjoy reading more of your biography on this I-pad today. -but I miss my laptop.

Opposite of depression is not happiness by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

2012-01-12T12:16:00.000-08:00

My handsome prince was doing all the driving so that left me. -after we were kind of conversationed out, to day dream and think at will.

It is a beautiful thing! Being to able to think about anything you want! I could say to my mind... Let's remember my daughter's 4th birthday at Disneyland and then lots of delightful, wonderful memories from that event would dance through my mind.

I could change memory channels at will...

Now let's remember my son's recent basketball game... "oh! That was very exciting!". And my mind would replay scenes from his basketball game

And then a great song would come on the radio and I could at will, think. -choreography. And then my mind would fill with images of magnificent dancers filling a stage and dancing beautifully to whatever song was playing

I could think... Imagination. And then at will, my mind would create artistic visions from. -both, out of nowhere and from what I was actually seeing. -like the gorgeous full moon that was guiding our night drive down highway 5

I could change what I was thinking about with such ease! Decide how long I wanted to think about any given thing

Short or long; or revisit

This is what a strong, healthy, liberated, fully functioning mind can do

If you have PTSD, or a mental illness of any kind, -depression. Or even an overwhelming amount of stress in your life. -you lose the ability to choose your thoughts. -your brain does indeed get highjacked

Your thoughts get locked/jammed. - stuck on one station, if we use the radio station analogy

That's what's it like. - trying to change the radio station but you can't. No other stations exist

Damaged;sometimes and repairable -sometimes beyond repair

But that is why depression. -clinical depression. - the opposite is not perpetual happiness

The opposite is when a person can think whatever they''d like to; at will

Enjoy the spectrum of emotions

As a PTSD survivor. - I remember all too well how locked in fear my thoughts once were. LOCKED. 24/7.

So I delight now. -and offer hope to anyone who might need it. -that healing is possible

And now I am going to go think about

How wonderful it is to be in love.

Love the I-pad! Hate a portion of the default settings. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

2012-01-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in the shower all irritated about typing on glass and piissed off at the default settings for grammar/punctuation, and I,m bein' all complainy to the heavens while I shave my legs

And I'm extra irritatEd because the shower doesn't have a place for me to prop my legs so I can shave them. -obviously designed by a man

And so I have to like. -bend down all uncomfortable vertical style to shave and reach way down near my ankles from a standing straight up position

So my day s getting worse not better

/and it's just a pain in the ass to correct typos on this thing. -so,

Anyway

Reach down and shave my legs. -all blood rushed to my face and then when I go to stand back up straight. BAM!! Nearly crack my head wide open on the triangle shaped soap holder shelf in the corner. "fuck!"

And so I realized immediately I better apologize to Steve "actually," I said, " it's a truly amazing, - completely genius technology! The way the orientation flips from landscape to portrait. -like magic! How does it do that? And how I can increase/decrease the size of the graphics on the screen with just my fingers. -bewildering! ....flip pages with a stroke of my finger.... Get out! Hop on the Internet... So easily obtain information from cyberworld

Anywhere in cyberworld!

It's just that... And with all due respect and overwhelming admiration... As a literary artist... A typaholic...

I know I can't accomplish my objectives with this templated, formulated, pre-programmed, word processing program you offer here

The whole reason I blog as much as I do is because. "I'm free!". Empty canvas to paint with words on

And font, grammar, punctuation, misspellings on purpose. -these serve a great purpose

If the stories and words get put in a box. -are constantly corrected & over-ridden

I see no reason to continue writing

I'm sure you understand, yes?"

My name is Sandra Harrison Kay. I am against templates, formulas, and boxes.

I hope you will most carefully read the letter I will post in the near future from the veterans history project. You will see, quite possibly, how restrictive criteria can eliminate valuable information

And! Valuable people! -as I look for work and fill out online applications, and fill out online questionnaires, take personalty tests, etc.

I become more and more aware that

Well, If you create a box people must fit in

Those are the only people you are ever going to get.

Hate the I-pad, love the sex. By (me!). Sandra, tvgp

2012-01-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

Blogging on handsome prince's stupid I-pad with the pre-programmed grammar corrector and must chicken peck because there is no way to rest both hands on this flat glass screen and type like I would on regular keyboard

But we arrived safely in southern California. -you know how much I love to drive

So soon as we got in our room I said "thank you Jesus for a safe trip. -and you too my sexiness for your good driving". -and that's as much as I said out loud

Then I closed my eyes and quietly sent my personal prayer to the heavens, I said

"Holy Mother Mary, Father God, Jesus in your name... Friends &family, saints &angels... Saturate this room with your holy spirit". And then it would take too long to tell you all the people and places I ask to be saturated in the holy spirit. But I try not to leave anyone out so it takes a while

Anyway

I'm tellin, you. -the bed felt amazing! My God! "you have to take off all your clothes and come feel these cool sheets on your skin!" and the mattress is

Everyone should have one this comfortable

And then we got to stretching out and snugglin' in and kissing. -and his skin felt extra amazing. And I had to just touch every piece of his skin with every piece of my skin

"oh! This is my favorite part of being in love! ". And we made love in 5 or 6 different positions until exhausted from mutual ecstasy and fell asleep in each other's arms

And I just woke up thinking how not so long ago I wouldn't have dared invite the holy spirit in. -you know,

In the bedroom

But my testimony today is I highly recommend it

Those blessings...

They continued write into our morning! -and multiplied

Praise God! Hallelujah! And. "OhMan!"

THAT'S NOT JEALOUSY -IT'S CALLED A VALID CONCERN by (me!), sandra, tvgp

2012-01-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

wish i could write all day, but so much to do..

i just want to point something out -so, come on a brief walk with me: see that bridge we are about to cross? well, true story, that over 100 people have been injured trying to cross that bridge

you have to be careful about how and where you step. pay attention. look ahead but also, look down; watch your feet

they keep repairing it; the bridge. everytime someone gets hurt, or falls in the murky water below, someone comes out and fixes the damaged area

and then a couple people cross over safely, unharmed, and everyone thinks, "the bridge is safe again! let's all cross!" and a bunch of people try to cross over

and someone gets hurt again. falls in the murky water.

and it's just downwrite fascinating, how despite all the testimonies about how many people have been injured.. and despite how everyone knows the bridge is vulnerable and under constant repair

it still draws masses of people

invites some and dares others to cross over

***

true story.. just sat next to a woman who mentioned to me she was going through a divorce. i said, "oh, i'm so sorry to hear that. it's a tough decision to have to make,"

she said, "i didn't get to make the decision. it was made for me. he took off with my best friend."

and it flashed in my mind.. not just her story, but the about gazillion i've heard over the years.. the two couples who were such good friends and vacationed together one year

and by the next year, there were 2 divorces: the husband from couple A was with the wife from couple B.

and the lady just around the corner from where i used to live.. who found out her husband of 14 years got another woman pregnant

i could go on and on.. true life stories. told directly to me. witnessed. experienced.

the stability and longevity of romantic relationships is a valid concern. a very real world, write now, concern.

and i think about how so many spiritual leaders i've learned from over the years... they all say the same thing

"FLEE FROM TEMPTATION"

they don't say.. go toward temptation and try to conquer it by rehearsing the passage, "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

fascinating.. you need the strength to flee vs. resist in the face of...

that seems real world to me. we will have temptations. men and women alike. and then you choose to feed your ego and physical body

or flee. -we are back then to the battle between spirit and flesh.

****

oh, i'm about to sound like one of those women impossible to please -but, when my handsome prince says, "i wouldn't cheat on you.. you're beautiful. i think you're beautiful"

that doesn't hold one fraction of one ounce of merit or value with me.

there is no correlation between one person's attractiveness level and the other person's fidelity. none. zip. zero. zulch.

man or woman.

there is not enough room, even in cyberworld, to place up the collage of pictures of beautiful people who have been cheated on -male and female.

and besides that.. beauty is fleeting when it exists at all. if looks are the criteria for fidelity...

well, that would explain the bridge now, wouldn't it. the need for constant repair.

fidelity is a personal decision; a choice; an ongoing sacred vow -in my opinion, worth nurturing, protecting

on a more positive note

met also a couple recently who will be celebrating their 14th wedding anniversary -they made a mutual agreement early on

that they would not dance with other people of the opposite sex, outside of their relationship, or go have dinner and/or drinks with someone of the opposite sex -unless they were together

what's this?! i thought to myself...

have i just met a couple with a moral code?! my God, how refreshing! how utterly beautiful...

and we need this more now than ever

some mutual moral codes and agreements -about how to move forward in a world where romantic relationships are almost in constant combat...

if it's not in the physical world... where people will openly, blatantly, flirt and tempt a person they know damn well is involved with someone else

then it's in the cyberworld.. social media world...

we need to make agreements, and have understandings about facebook, twitter, blogs, emails..

at least get it all out in the open... what the expectations are..

and each couple needs to negotiate their own personal contracts.. but let us not pretend. or deny or ignore the very real challenges we face

let's not confuse valid concerns with personal insecurities and/or jealousy. -the threats are real.

MY CHARLIE IS TO TV JOURNALISM AS MERYL STREEP IS TO ACTING by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

SO,

originally found out from my cousin in new york that my charlie rose was going to be with cbs in the morning (because my cousin is employed behind the scenes, helping to create cbs's new studio)

and pretty obvious by now i'd follow my charlie to any network

(this thought musically interrupted by carol king lyrics.. "where you lead, i will follow.. anywhere, that you tell me to,

if you want, you want me to be with you, i will follow...")

anyway,

taped and watched the debut cbs this morning show

and, while very excited to see my charlie rose doin' his thing, like no man before or after..

the format itself...

well, i just can't stomach it. i've been on a news diet for a long time now, and when i revisit it, it only serves to remind me why i went on the diet in the first place

80% mental trash and toxins

plus, i've been enjoying charlie rose uninterrupted for who knows how many years now

quality conversations people..

long, quality conversations

not a sound bite here and a sound bite there; good God. -not a commercial here; and a commercial there.. squeezed between pop culture nothingness and topped with whipped predictability and sameness, sameness, sameness, on the side

check please.

so, i went back on the dvr and clicked through to "do not record this series" for cbs this morning and reverified that i have "record this series" for charlie rose on pbs -where i fell in love in the first place

and tried to watch cbs this morning again today, just to be sure i wasn't judging too quickly.. and turns out, i was not judging too quickly

so i unliked it on facebook

and thought what analogy? what analogy? -and first thing to come to mind was that seeing my charlie rose on cbs this morning was kinda like seeing meryl streep in a school play

he is leaps and bounds beyond the environment he's been cast in

but what a great sport he is and obvious team player.

and the new cbs studio.. well, it looks great; of course.

****

but don't you need to know what's going on in the world around you?

DO THIS:

take any local newspaper, and/or local news program. -relook at the footage/coverage they have for 2011 YEAR IN REVIEW

you know.. the highlights from year 2011. the editor's pick for the most important things that took place last year

that collage they create at the end of every year

and compare that to any dozen podcasts available on ted.com

great, wonderful, important, innovative, creative, humanitarian, scientific, spiritual progress is being made all around us; everyday

i have become highly selective about who and what gets my attention and for how long, where mass media is concerned

and charlie rose on pbs
ted.com
joyce meyer, joel osteen, robert schuller, ewtn,
church on sunday

you get my attention.

and speaking of joyce meyer.. if you only saw one.. her presentation on relying on the unreliable out of denver, co, is a must see

watched it twice myself this morning.

ACT ONE SEEN TOO -JEALOUSY by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

k

i'm not going to say exactly who, exactly where or exactly why -all i'm going to tell you is that one day not too long ago

some pretty thing sm;iled a little too long, a little too directly, and little too flirtatiously at my handsome prince

that is "MY!" -handsome prince i thought to myself, -go find your own

anyway

then i looked at how my handsome prince responded

and you'll never guess what he did...

oh, i wish you couldn't guess, but of course everyone on planet earth can easily guess exactly how he responded

he smiled a little too long, a little too directly and a little too fliratiously back! -that bastard

so i looked again at her... i looked again at him

i'm like.. are these two flirting with each other, like directly in front of me write now.. why, they've both forgotten i'm even standing write here

excuse me.. i'm standing write here..

but that is not even the worst of it.. the worst of it, is that i glanced around the entire environment -a public place, that's all i'm saying

and i caught eye contact with a man who was staring write at me. and in an instant, i knew two things

1) this man, like me, can read facial expressions -even the most minute (my-noot)

2) this man, a total stranger.. he just caught me being jealous. -how utterly embarrassing is that. in fact, this tilts over from embarrassing to humiliating

everyone knows a confident woman of God is never jealous -write.

oh, i HATE being jealous. it's awful, awful, awful... but being caught being jealous... much worse.

so -

i said to God, i said.. "hey Jesus.. listen... you either need to help me end this jealously thing or you need to give me a poker face

but don't humiliate me by making me deal with both -okay. i mean, my God. cut me some slack.

thank you. hallelujah and amen."

****

gets worse!

***

handsome prince hops on a plane again, takes off out of town...

yeah..

like that's not suspicious...

and so he's kind enough to call me.. /because, you know.. otherwise it would be too obvious

and so he calls me

and i go, "so where are you?" -and then.. guess what. he draws a blank.

yeah

doesn't even know where he is.. can't quite come up with a name of a place, says to me.. "can i get back to you on that one"

OH M G

gets even worse!!

we talk a little more and he concludes that call with this.. not -"i love you" but,

"take care"

and i held that cell phone in my hand for a long minute and stared into it.. and looked up at the heavens, and back down at the phone

and i said to that phone, and to the universe "did he just say, take care?!"

and he called back.. denied he ever said it... insisted he never said it... and i thought to myself... oh, please don't be a great liar

please don't be one of those men capable of doing something directly in front of someone and simultaneously denying that you're doing it

i've met enough of those, thank you

i sent my thoughts to the heavens.. who sent this man to me?! God or the devil? whose work is this? a trap or blessing, trap or blessing..

so, i said, "listen. i'm driving. can't talk on the cell phone write now (i do not have a blue tooth) but, take care. take care, take care..." and hung up

he calls back

and when i was parked (because really, i can't afford my bills so i sure can't afford a ticket) - isaid to him

"you can redeem yourself by telling me that you love me" -and it didn't exactly spill forth from his mouth the way i needed

but eventually... after a short song and dance

he decided to say out loud how much he loved me.. how he's crazy about me

and we both said "i love you's" and then hung up. -and i got back to cleaning my writeousmom~mobile

and he got back to whatever he was doin'. /which, really... without google, how would i ever really know...

***

and i think to myself, i think

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?! WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME?!? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

i mean, certainly, if you're the only woman in the room, and you have a man's cock in your mouth.. well then.. pretty easy to say things like, i love you

but..

like a child, who tests their parents love... (do you love me even though i accidentally broke your favorite vase? do you love me if i get a bad grade? do you still love me when the neighbor child gets an award and i don't? do you love me when i make mistakes?)

the same way a child tests..

as an adult in love i test.. i wonder... i test ... i wonder

do you love me when i'm bloated and about to start my period?

do you love me if i gain weight?

do you still love when my grey roots are showing?

do you love me when i'm not in the room?

do you love me when i'm home looking sick and tired (because in fact, i am sick and tired) but you're on a business trip and some pretty thing is inviting you into her -room

do you love me then?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME

like, how condentional? how -based on current circumstance? how.. when it's going write and well vs. when it's being tested?

cuz' i'm in the market for a man who LOVES me all the time..

who demonstrates that love, even when i'm not around, even when he thinks no one else is looking..

and if i've learned nothing else

i've learned this: ignore men's words and pay attention only to their actions.

but..

well, let's throw out everything i wrote earlier about trusting God to reveal a man's true character..

i'm gonna hire myself a spy

how else can we truly know with all the bullshit, scum bag, cheatin, ego-feedin', narrsistic, greedy, liars that populate this world

the shit that goes on behind closed doors... -and these days.. the shit that goes on write in front of you!

then i say.. "oh Jesus.. please forgive me. help me. save me. thank you. hallelujah and amen"

then i think.. good thing i'm only spiritually married 'cuz i'm not askin' anyone's permission if i need to leave.

/see how far i've come.

sad but true.

love is easy; trust is hard.

"HERE I AM! A LITTLE LOVE" by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

and so last night, i hopped in my writeousmom~mobile to go visit a friend. before i even left the parking lot, glanced out the passenger side window and couldn't wipe the smile from my face

how precious is this?!

looks like it even smiled for my camera.

worked its way into my favorites in the darling competition... because, the combination of it appearing at night, in the dark. on what appears to be its very own tree trunk bump of a stage

"look at me! here i am! a little love..." and the contrast in size to the tree itself and fresh life green color/darling heart shape with dark of night scenery in the background

what a winner -and captured on 12/03/12 -which contains my lucky numbers.

i have to share this with my handsome prince... and facebook friends...

SPARKS FLY FROM MY FINGERTIPS.. (me!) sandra, tvgp

2012-01-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

happened across a commercial for dragon naturally speaking software for your pc.
-talk to your computer and watch the words appear on your monitor.

and so inspired to share again... "my stories, they don't come out my mouth. my stories come out my hands."

it's equal parts frustrating and fascinating. -but if i had to verbally dictate my thoughts, my short stories..

this blog -with over 1,300 posts now, would not exist.

internally, it seems i'm wired in such a way that thoughts skip my mouth.. travel from my brain down my arms, into my hands, out my fingers

"..raven hair and ruby lips
sparks fly from my finger tips
echoed voices in the night
She's a restless spirit on an endless flight

witchy woman... i've got the moon in my i~i~i~ i's...."

HAPPY HOLIDAY HEARTS for (us!) mr & mrs zamora

2011-12-21T08:34:00.000-08:00

completely charming, asymmetrical happy holiday heart (and actually, there is a second, less pronounced heart in this picture on the left)

i spied at stoneridge mall in front of brookstone 12/18/2011

INTRODUCING MR. & MRS. MARIO ZAMORA <----- that's (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-12-20T08:54:00.000-08:00

before my parents panic -let me explain

we are not legally, governmentally bound by contract

we are spiritually married. and i assure you, that carries way more value.

after all, i've said, "until death (please do) us apart" twice now, in front of a live audience of friends and family and God and everybody

and did i mean it? obviously not.

i could not take myself serious saying those vows a 3rd time, and i wouldn't expect anybody else to take me serious either

but -i am already married to my handsome prince of sexiness in my heart.

that is.. what is left of my heart at age almost 46, with 2 divorces under my belt.. one canceled engagement, several failed romantic relationships...

etc., /mr. etc., being the greatest heart break of all

so..

in essence.. i have no interest in any other man on the planet. i am in love. i am commited. i am grateful to God for bringing us together

i feel lucky. blessed. happy. hopeful.

and my whole -that is, what is left of my heart.. all of what is left lights up everytime he walks into a room, or sends me a text, or calls me on the phone..

everytime i think of him. imagine him.

and we many differences.. but, we are amazingly compatible. i hope i don't have to look any further.

however..

is my love unconditional? absolutely not.

so, included in our longer, more personal, romantic and spiritual vows, we each said the following, as we exchanged matching cross rings from sterling works on december 18th, in the kitchen of his apartment here in pleasanton

"...in sickness and in health; but not infidelity..."

my criteria has never changed

i remember pre-marital classes with my 2nd ex-husband before we were married.. when the priest asked about infidelity.. and forgiveness

i said, "i'd divorce him"

priest looked very concerned. like, if you can't handle that, you shouldn't be getting married. -sometimes it happens, you need to be able to forgive

i said, "i'd have no problem forgiving him. "

priest looked confused

i said, "but that forgiveness would take place outside of the marriage."

because, people are very confused about forgiveness.

it is not a synonym for accept/condone

and it is not a synonym for no consequences.

and i know in my heart, that i in fact, could and would forgive. but i would not remain in that relationship. i would move on

trust in paramount.

but.. i also refuse to micro manage.. check instant message records, facebook, texts.. emails.

phone bills.

that is an ugly, awful way to live.

i ask God to reveal character. when you do this, you don't need to micro-manage, or hire a private eye..

because trust with God is paramount also.

and so.. all that known, and understood.. we exchanged our spiritual vows. plan to have our rings blessed by pastor mike

and that will have to do. because i cannot legally marry a 3rd time. feels like too much of a joke.

-if legal marriages guaranteed -anything.

if they guaranteed anything, i might be interested. but they guarantee absolutely nothing.

what is in your heart.

this is the only real thing.

and in my heart, i am married to my handsome prince -in the way, before it became so corrupted, -what marriage used to mean

"i love you!"

want you...

need you..

miss you...

desire you...

and love you more.

****

HYPOCRISY

it may appear at first, that i am hypocritcal in this area, but in fact, i am sincerely happy for my friends/family who legally marry

will be genuinely, authentically happy for my children when and if they marry one day..

it's just not for me.

***

RINGS

i have no interest in diamonds.

my track record is not very good.

1st wedding ring: pawn shop post divorce for a record $40.

canceled engagement ring: returned by request to former fiance

2nd wedding ring: out the window on highway 1 during a fight.

***

like legal marriages... diamonds and rings guarantee nothing.

they mean very little.

it is only what is in your heart that matters.

period.

isn't that romantic.

GPS: DIRECT TO SEXY by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-12-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

i'm not suggesting that there is any correlation between being bombarded with images of sex goddesses and my self-consciousness

heavens no

i just feel inspired to share this: see picture above

it is from my handsome prince's gps

it is, in fact, the default picture that appears every. single. time. you turn on the gps -you know, to help you figure out how to get where you are going

it is my understanding, from my handsome prince -that he did not go out of his way to select this default picture. rather, it came with this particular gps, and

he has no idea how to make it go away.

and doesn't even seem worth the time or effort to mention my mass media diet... how difficult it is to rid these images out of your life

even if you don't go out of your way to find them... they find you.

so.. i thought about it a bit. went over in my mind... some conversations with my handsome prince about our daughters... their self images.. the culture they're being raised in...

wondered.. how many times they watched their dad turn on this gps... how many times their eyes, mind, body, souls get slapped in the face with this image

just this one image... how many times?

my handsome prince said, in a different conversation, from a different day.. "it's a billion dollar industry. you're never going to change it. you have to acclimate"

and so.. with this one image, my mind has to process so much..

and when i saw it again (and again, and again, and again) as we traveled in new york -this 6'5, beautiful blond professional model, with 5 feet of legs, and the suggestion of her perfect naked body under half undone jacket

i just smiled. said to my handsome prince "you know it only goes down hill from there, write.."

"I HEAR MY VOICE... I HEAR MY VOICE.." by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-12-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

hear

is what i can't get off my mind:

how much i want to create some audio versions of my writings, my stories..

not so fond of talking conversationally, but very fond of reading my work out loud

and yes

i know you can hire professional people.. with professional voices.. who professionally narrate your works

but

i want to do it.

(me!)

***

inspires a leonard stegmann memory.. i wonder if he remembers?

because when he came to film my very hometown comcast commercial: "mag. time. frames. dot. com!"

he suggested i hire someone to do the voice -a voice over /for the script i wrote myself

and even though i'm not a professional...

i requested...

well, i said.. " i want to do it. myself."

and he looked at me, like... well, he was kind, of course.. but he re-suggested i hire a professional

and i re-suggested wanting to do it myself

... and since i was the paying customer... he ultimately surrendered and i read the script

but

what gave me the courage? to, knowing i wasn't a professional, and knowing.. he might think my ego was getting in the way of a better product

what gave me the courage to not care what he thought.. in fact, to not care what anyone else thought.. and just do the voice myself?

God. desire. courage.

i feel the same way about reading my works for recordings. "i want to do it." -plain and simple.

maybe for the same reason i appreciated the neuroscientist on ted.com telling her own story..

i want to tell my own story. i don't want a voice surrogate.

listen..

i can't blow dry my own hair without it lookin' like shit...

i can't figure out tax forms...

i can't cook, and i can't parade around naked in broad daylight

but i can write

and i can read

and i can read what i've written -out loud. in my own God given voice.

and so..

"i want to do it myself"

and that's my goal for 2012; God willing. audio books and radio.

****

thanks here to tori amos

DOES SANTA HAVE ANY DRUGS FOR (me!?!) sandra, tvgp

2011-12-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

yeah,

so, we're sitting up in his bed.. me and my handsome prince. -made the mistake of asking him , from that location, "so, what would you like for christmas?"

he smiles real big, goes, "i want you.." and points to the doorway -about, 3 miles away, "to walk real slow from there to the bed in sexy lingerie"

OMG! here we go again...

honestly..

is naked not enough anymore

"this is gonna take some serious drugs.. "

****

MY ACTING DEBUT

i marveled at him during our hotel stay in new york.. just, sat, utterly fascinated with his ability to walk around naked everywhere, in front of me.. natural, comfortable, happy as could be

HOW?!

like, HOW -literally HOW, do people do this? i think i once did..

i must have..

but, with each passing year, i've become, despite my every effort, meditation, prayer, hope, wish, and occasional practices

i've become more self-conscious not less. and so i admittedly remain a walking hypocrit in this area

-anyway

was in the bathroom, thinkin' -wonder, if...

i wonder if, in my mind.. in my imagination... i like, inhabit his way of thinking

pretend like i'm him -kinda/sorta

not me

i wonder, if i could walk out of this bathroom to the bed, naked, write now.. broad daylight in front of him

here's the thing..

when he was not in the room... when i was alone (save the hidden cameras, google and God)

i could walk around naked free and happy and comfortable as i could be.. loved it!

(i really think, sometimes, i was meant to be in a romantic relationship with myself; pressure free and so unconditional...)

anyway again..

it feels like a grand accomplishment because.... "I did it!"

now.. we all know i can't act -but, the only circumstance which would allow me this accomplishment was if the entire time, i was pretending i was -him. like, how he would do it..

so! it's two accomplishments wrapped up in one 1) appeared naked before my live audience in broad daylight and 2) "i acted!" -inhabited someone else's way of being

to be sure..

it was very brief... and i couldn't repeat myself.

but i can sit fascinated with that experience for a while... what that might be like... how gargantuan of an accomplishment it would be

to feel, internally

the same way inside

whether i'm naked and alone -or naked in front of my handsome prince.

write now, the internal shift is grand canyon in scope

***

certainly.. while this is entertaining and challenging... and makes me curious

i like to believe God has more important things to occupy my time and energies

-do you receive that today?

3RD PERSON SINGULAR PRESENT INDICATIVE OF BE? by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-12-14T08:10:00.000-08:00

me: "you have much homework to finish?"

son: "just a few grammar questions"

me: "i'm so sorry to hear that.. grammar. eeww. better you than me"

son: "do you know what a predicate don... noma~nitive something is?"

me: "no idea"

son: "we have to put PN over those"

me: "you just reminded me of the class i HATED! the most, most, most.. it was a class like that.. but i took it in college"

son: "college?"

me: "oh my God! it was like, the STUPIDEST! class.. underlining certain words, circling others.. analyzing and breaking down sentences... i HATED IT! and you know what.. but i love reading and writing, so let me tell you something -there is absolutely no correlation between loving words and loving grammar

son: "is, is a verb"

me: "no. verbs are action words"

son: "no. it's a verb.. he is running"

me: "no. running is the verb. that's where the action is.."

son: "it's a helping verb i think"

me: "what nonsense is that? a helping verb? "

son: "wanna bet? $5"

me: "you're on! is, is so not a verb. wanna double down on that $5?"

/doublin' down always creates a little insecurity.. a sign of confidence to unnerve mr. so sure of himself

he doesn't accept the up of my ante. we stay at $5

and shake.

me: "it's been a long time.. you know what... i think it's a preposition. yes. a preposition. what are prepositions again?"

****

according to dictionary.com

is

is, in fact, a verb.

/but i'm not going to volunteer this information. see if he remembers on his own. $5 is alot of money.

how many people just went wild there?!

'cuz, i mean

a lot. "TWO SEPARATE WORDS STUDENTS!!... if i see alot as one word... you'll have to write the entire paper over!"

/that's alotta writing...

-k, so

says at dictionary dot com

is, (verb) and, but, which is pronounced iz -because... in the english language, we follow some very strange formula where around, 42 and 1/2, point 3 percent of the time, things are spelled phonetically -and the rest is memorize or die

but anyway

the description reads:

3rd person singular present indicitive of be.

/and "thy" in there somewhere and it sounds very shakespearean

but anyway,

you know what...

i've written over 3,000 short stories, newspaper articles, essays, poems, reviews, commentaries and blogs

and have read over 3,000 books

without knowing that. -or needing to know that.

-go figure.

***

so, dear people of the world

you can love books, love reading, love words, love writing

and yet

HATE GRAMMAR.

and clearly... you will not be the only won.

FLAVORS OF LOVE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-12-12T09:02:00.000-08:00

fun treat.

my daughter and i were enjoying homemade soup, by carol.. "thank you! ~delicious!"

when i went to crumble some saltine crackers over my soup

one piece broke into a perfect heart shape and landed write on top

so, had to grab my camera of course

NEW YORK EXTRA -space reserved for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-12-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

who knows when time will allow...

but when it does. new york/boston memories here.

THE MATCH ME PRAYER by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-28T08:34:00.000-08:00

i've been wanting to share this one for some time now..

i should start with who i pray to.. there are a variety of rules about this depending on what religion..

i'm confident God communicates via hearts, and so if you don't get it exactly write.. but you are praying sincerely.. that is fine

over time, and being the inclusive person i am, almost all my prayers now are addressed to: Holy Mother Mary, Father God, and Jesus, in your name... i include friends, family, saints, angels

think i've got all the bases covered /she says with a smile.

***

now, the match me prayer cannot be prayed until and unless you understand what it is a) to have a stronghold in your life

briefly... an addiction, negative issue, unhealthy preoccupation in your mind... can be hate, unforgiveness, anger.. can be a smoking habit, habitual jealousy, long list...

anyway..

you must also understand b) the experience of being supernaturally delivered from a stronghold vs. c) the experience of struggling on an ongoing basis to free yourself from a stronghold

smoking makes an easy example here

i've been delivered from this as a habit. that is... all desire for cigarettes has been removed from me.. i do not struggle or fight the urge, i have no cravings

but, there were times, in my early attempts.. i tried and failed to quit; tried and failed to quit.. always preoccupied with my effort of trying to quit..

so.. internally, how much effort it takes -where it feels it is suddenly very easy, and takes no effort at all, on your part -you have been supernaturally delivered from a stronghold

where you struggle, struggle, struggle, and get only temporary and marginal results... this is a stronghold God wants you to work through for a while, until you learn what you need to learn...

love a recent episode of joyce meyer, because she talked specifically about this..

of course! of course, for every stronghold in our lives... and we all have them, although they vary... but for every stronghold, it is only natural we pray write away for what..

to struggle? learn? grow? -i don't think so

always our instinct is to pray for supernatural deliverence "deliver me! please Jesus!"

because -if it can be easy; we want it easy.

and intuitively we know.. that when and if life is made too easy, and we are without struggle, and without need to grow in relationship with God -we starve our character, stunt our growth, and end up ill prepared for life's very real challeges and end up lacking compassion for others

so, in our hearts, we already know we should not, and cannot be delivered from every stronghold.

this inspired out of me, what i call the match me prayer..

honestly, i'm certain i entertain holy spirits with my creative prayers..

but, this goes on in our world.. the match me, philosophy & business & parenting practice

some companies do it with their 401k's... you put in a certain amount each paycheck, and they match it..

parents with children... working child puts in a certain amount of $ from their work toward a car, for example, and the parents will match $50 for their every $50...

and very often with fundraisers for charities.. if an individual puts in $100, corporations will match it, dollar for dollar, and that $100 becomes $200...

and the beauty of the match me concept & practice, is that.. well, you reach your goals quicker.

sometimes.. the amount of time it takes to accomplish certain things can seem overwhelming, and without a sense of true progess, we are discouraged and can give up too soon; shy of reaching our goals

achieving our dreams

so.. i love joyce meyer's "if you'll do what you can do, God will do what you cannot do"

but, ... i bump it up a little..

"Holy Mother Mary, Father God, Jesus ~in your name.. friends, family, saints, angels.. (which is not to imply my friends/family in heaven are not saints or angels..)

you know my stronghold(s). i know it is not in my best interest to be completely, instantly, supernaturally delivered (although... if you want to, who would i be to argue?)

but... how 'bout you match me? and with every bit of genuine progess i make through my own effort

you match it

and we reach our goals quicker! whatdayasay?"

i love you! hallelujah & amen!

I FEEL A PROMOTION COMING MY WAY (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-28T02:59:00.000-08:00

what/when conversations between exactly who took place.. i may never know. but they were out to get me..

out.

i could literally feel them team up on me.

until then.. i referred always to ruby hill as the gorgeous place of perpetual good cheer. i was surprised how much i enjoyed the job; what a great match for my skill set/personality -always sold their membership as "one of the greatest returns on investment..." and i'm pretty sure i was #2 behind tony, for bringing on the most new members

-we received 1 free bottle of wine of our choice for every 10 new members we signed up. believe i was near or over 100...?

in any case.. there were little daggers coming my way several weeks back, but i could easily see them for what they were and ignored them

and nothing bothers someone more than when they want to get your goat, but can't...

then came the micro~hyper~management

now, when i first started at ruby, you could sip wine while you served customers, without restriction..

the policy changed, to only being able to sip wine, as a quality assurance type thing, when you opened a new bottle.

when i expressed disappointment and shifted to water or pepsi... i was told to keep my disappointments to myself. not mention the change of policy to any customers, which i had mentioned, until they asked me not to; then i honored that request immediately

but just some background..

because everyone was disappointed, but everyone acclimated to the policy change.

but once management decided they wanted me out.. they started hyper-watching even my quality assurance sips.. "that's a little too much"

i was like, really.. are you kidding me?

but, how i handled that, was i just started chewing gum at work. no policy against that. when i opened a new bottle, i would pour a taste in a glass, and bring it to the manager(s) "i have gum in my mouth.. wouldn't be able to tell if this good or not.. will you do the q.a. for me"

and they would. -but, i'm sure they were disappointed they could no longer call me on exceeding the 3/4 ounce pour.

i could feel them hover me... hyper watch me with customers. occasionally a team-up.. one manager sending me to serve a group of customers on the opposite side that the other manager would tell me i should be serving customers. "i feel like a pinball" i said.. "where do you want me?" -i could feel the hateful intention behind their actions

when my family/friends came in.. they checked with 3 times the frequency on them that they would any other group.. see if i was doing anything wrong.. i could feel them wish they could catch me doing something wrong..

"those aren't tastings.. sandra.. those are glasses of wine.. did they pay for those glasses?"

so, i let them know.. "yes.. they bought a bottle.. "

"what are they doing with cheese and crackers?"

i said, "three of the people in that circle are members.."

and of course, it's not just their actions, their words.. but such ugliness in their eyes

so.. what it felt like from my end, was that they wanted me out.. they kept trying to trip me up.. catch me doing something wrong and/or hoped they could make me so miserable i would leave on my own

and i kept rising above their traps -could have a great day with customers despite them

but if management wants you to go; you will go.

this is nothing new.

but what an exit day.. showing up unaware i had been fired via email. all ready for my shift. -and then after i was called up to the office for the news.. /already blogged that conversation..

i went downstairs for my purse in the locker and went to say goodbye to my co-worker friends

apparently, once i was fired i was no longer allowed behind the bar; period.

i did make it to tony, and gave him a quick hug.. "i've been terminated for .. not being a team player"

that's when sara blocked me. "you can't be here. you must leave the tasting room now"

i was like, "i'm just going to say goodbye to my friends; less than 5 minutes.."

"you must leave the tasting room now. you cannot be here. leave now." and like a good defense football player she used her whole body to prevent me from moving any further

i could see her eyes change.. icy, cold, ready for battle..

marianne joined in too..

"leave the tasting room now. i said, leave the tasting room.. you have to go"

and the two of them escorted me out from behind the bar toward the barrel room.. and exit door

wish you could have seen them.. and wish they could have seen themselves

standing there.. two against one. both of them with their eyes filled with hate and anger

i looked directly into marianne's eyes "God bless you" i said,

and then looked directly into sara's eyes "God bless you" i said,

and then i went on my merry way.

prayed for my enemies.. and you know, maybe enemies is too strong a word here, but certainly friend is not appropriate either, is it..

i told my children

"keep your eye out for what God does next.. what people try and do to demote you, God can use to promote you"

think i got that from joel osteen. "i receive that today!" ~amen & amen.

OBSERVATIONS FROM THE TRI~VALLEY by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

everywhere i look... bay alarm stickers.

got me to thinkin'

if google were to buy bay alarm, and they created a facebook page

there would be no closets without a window, and no skeletons without a mirror.

i'm just sayin' ...

UPON TERMINATION FROM RUBY HILL for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

well, the whole reason i have time to write this, is because -took a shower, got all prettied up, headed for my 1:30-6pm shift at ruby hill

only to be told by management that.. well, to be asked by management, why i was there?

apparently they had fired me via email and i didn't get the message.

"i know you got the message." management person says, "it shows when you receive and read it; i know you got it."

"well, i didn't get it. i had no idea. i wouldn't even be here if i got it... how silly would that be?"

she insisted i did. -the arguement could have gone on and on, but really... what a waste of time.

when i asked why? for what? under what circumstance.. well, management did not have time explain; had to get back downstairs to the customers...

i pushed a little... like, give me one why... excellent customer service?

and the only reply before the mandated escort out, was -you are not a team player.

let me pause here...

me. (me!) -not a team player. -sometimes in life, you will hear something so blatantly false, so unjust and inaccurate and completely counter to the truth

you can only smile. smile and shake your head and wink at God. /do you hear this? i know you do...

that's when you KNOW God is up to something really extra good in your life. as has been said and demonstrated and experienced and testified to many times throughout humanity by countless spiritual leaders and believers

the more glory God bestows upon you.. the more opposition, jealously, injustice, anger, lies, etc., you will face.

let us look at the evidence...

i provided consistent and wonderful customer service. how can we verify this? by the compliments... which were plentiful... by the number of new members i brought on, which i was praised for.. in fact, one of the silent partners made a special trip in to meet me and shake my hand and thank me. by the tips i received from pleased customers... which has amounted to -near $1000 in the almost year i've been employed there

i should here mention, that i implemented and maintained not only ruby hill's "facebook guestbook" -but quite possibly, facebook's very first, facebook~guestbook [article here]

and i did this -on my own time, without any financial compensation. won't mention how many extra free hours inputting, uploading.. making sure i matched correctly scratch papers where i collected names, favorite wines, info on where they were visiting from etc.

[this by the way.. canceled out under new management. have to see "older posts" on ruby hill facebook page to appreciate the initiative, innovation, effort, time, work, etc.]

in addition to my own responsibilties, and the facebook~guestbook which was voluntary and for the good of ruby hill & relationship building

i consistently chipped in when my co-workers were busy... glasses needed washed... i did it. bottles needed stocked. i did it. used bottles needed removed; i did it..

cheese needed cut; i did it.. extra cleaning.. i did it.

i could go on and on, but.. the picture is evident. seemed to me i was appreciated by customer and co-workers

and i feel very proud and confident of my service; my performance. in fact, i would call my work exceptional.

but not perfect.

when you know you have done an exceptional job and you are still terminated you can walk out pretty tall and proud.

knowing the problem is not with you.

in fact, i may never be privy to the whats/whos/whys behind the scenes..

but... maybe it was the tips dispute.

one day.. after management had shifted... and the environment changed.. i was called up to the office and managment gave me "a talking to" -as people like to say

here i was thinkin' i was doing a stellar job, but managment had a whole list of things they didn't like..

i can't begin to tell you how caught off guard... utterly caught off guard. i won't bother repeating, but will share my response. -family & fans know.. responding on my feet is not a strength of mine..

but if you give me a chance to process and write it out... that's where i shine.

and so, after i sent the email in response to what felt like a sucker punch to the face.. we sat down all together, management, owner and me..

where i was assured i was a wonderful and valued employee.. but the tips conversation was never resolved.

i share here some of the correspondence regarding tips.

the shame of it is, ... we are not allowed to keep our tips at ruby hill. period. and maybe for people serving wine just for fun... who have other jobs and are financially secure.. this is of no consequence

but, for someone like me.. pay check to pay check, struggling to make ends meet... if i were able to keep my tips, i would have not needed to find another job...

in any case..

we went back n' forth about tips.. and then the solution was so ridiculous i literally stopped caring. i want to say here, my performance, customer service, relationships/attitude toward customers, co-workers remained consistently wonderful and good

never once did i cop an attitude and take it out on anyone.. just kept doing my job as i always had.. and would.

i want to also point out here, that a high number of co-workers suggested i should just go ahead and put the tips in my pocket

other people do...

and i had co-workers who told me if i did put the tips in my pocket.. they would never tell. "you deserve them."

"you earn them"

but i could not, and did not. -i do not want to sound self-writeous here.. Lord knows i have my share of failings

but...

i don't believe just because you disagree with a company's policy that that gives you permission to steal.

i hope my children -i hope i'm raising my children with the same value.

i tried to bring positive change; tried to change the policy and i failed. i never interpretted this as an invitation to steal. i put the tips in the jar as policy dictated.

so..

ruby hill had an employee who provided excellent customer service.. who used her own time to create, maintain the industry's first "facebook~guestbook"

who did not steal tips -given directly to me... even when i was encouraged to do so by co-workers, and even though i had several co-workers tell me... i would never tell. and even though my checking account is dangerously low

did i have my off days? of course

was i perfect 100% time.. no.

but i'm confident employees like me don't come along everyday. until the management shift... and employee turnover..

my relationships with all my co-workers was strong, friendly and good.

****

things changed.

i am not the first or last to experience this. to witness a person smile at you one day, ... and then turn cold as ice

i am not the first person to get iced out

to see suddenly in managements eyes.. anger, ice..

but here..

based on my spiritual knowledge gained so far.. i am careful how i respond.

it would be tempting to start distrusting everyone.. like, my God... what other person around me can smile one day and stab the next?

i believe

if you start distrusting everyone.. become suspicious of everyone around you.. the devil smiles; throws a party.

but.. if you isolate out only and exactly the people who have demonstrated this ugly side of their character.. and do not inflict suspicions on innocent people

victory to the Kingdom.

i thank God here for allowing me to see their real character; true character. God will, if you pray, let you see what you need to see

***

let me shift to the topic of loyalty and ego...

now, -of course... ego comes in.. wants my beloved customers, co-workers, etc. to boycott ruby hill.. and wouldn't it be flattering if people who learned about this injustice toward me.. never visited ruby hill again..

but no..

let me tell a recent experience -i do not need to use real names or places..

but i have a friend = A

and another friend = B

they do not know or visit one another, but i see them each at different times throughout the year, separate from each other..

and i love them both.

one day, i learn friend A and friend B somehow crossed paths and had a falling out. they don't like each other.

wow. -where should my loyalty go? it's terribly difficult.

this has happen to me more than once. in fact, i have also been A and/or B for other people...

what i have come to through prayer is this -often i will say, "i'm sorry to hear about that conflict. i have not had the same experience with that person.. i've only had positive experiences..."

and i maintain a relationship with both A and B, but... i do not invite them to the same social gatherings.

i believe the same is true for me with friends... who like me.. but don't invite me to certain gatherings where a conflict with another might arise and a person is unfairly pushed into a position of proving loyalty.

-that applies here with ruby hill.

i believe i have been quite unfairly, unjustifying terminated. natural to desire a boycott from friends/family

but..

and from my heart. i understand. if you love ruby hill wines.. the other co-workers, the benefits of membership, etc.

-which, by the way.. just last saturday i brought on 3 new members and sold i don't know how many cases of wine..

anyway..

for my co-workers who remain... friends who continue to patronize... etc.,

i understand and will hold no resentment toward you. where good relationships can be maintained; they should.

conflict between a select few should not spread to entire populations.

lastly, and in closing..

i sure do thank God for my spiritual growth; the wisdom i've gained; the maturity age/experience has yielded in me

if i were in my 20's, or 30's even... lots of tears and upset

but - i just tried to say goodbye to my co-workers [but was physically blocked from doing so], winked at God, and headed over to pasta's to celebrate with a sexy devil chocolatini.. brushetta and a treat from primrose

i have no fear about finding more employment

and am in fact -very confident, God is up to something really good.

-and.. look at this... there i was sitting at pastas and i glanced down at this license plate on a truck parked write in front:

verified with the owners, the viscaina family, it referred to Jesus and they said yes. allowed me to take a picture.

he gave his only Son..

so we [believers] can live in abundance, and in joy! and in peace!

amen.

"HE WASN'T WEADING IT WITE!" by (me!) and (taryn!)

2011-11-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

100,000 more comedy points for taryn...

***

sometime last week i received a text from my daughter.. she wrote somethin' like:

what does your window thing say again?

write time, write.. something?

and so i text her back

write time, write place, write people, write reasons -think there's one more
but can't remember love you! xoxo

then it dawned on me so followed up with another text:

write things! i think - write time, write place, write people, write things, write reasons. but not sure what order. love you! xoxo

never bothered to ask her why she was inquiring.

****

later that week..

"mommy, do you know why i was asking about the window? wanna know how that got started..."

apparently her boyfriend said something about me having really racist stuff in our room [he was there to decorate it with friends to ask taryn to the homecoming dance]

"i told him you're like the least racist person he's ever gonna meet -how could he say such a thing? what was he talking about?"

he said, "white place, white time, white people..."

and she started cracking up.. "it's WRITE place, WRITE time!" -and that's when she text me to confirm, and then showed it to him

i guess that settled things. i trust it did.

but then, when taryn was retelling me.. well, it was late, and we were both tired

little on the giddy side

she said, "mommy.. it sounds so silly when i say it... like i have a lisp... but, no.. it's not a lisp. i don't know what you call it. -when you can't pronounce your R's..

like, wite place, wite time, wite things, wite people..."

and write away, i started cracking up too. such a subtle difference in prounounciation and tone, but, oh! the sound of it was suddenly so entertaining

she sounded like a cross between a toddler who couldn't form R's yet, and/or an adult asian new to the english language

write became white, then became, with her charming and comedic interpretation, wite

now her boyfriend's misread was being exaggerated with mispronunciations and the whole thing had us both laughing pretty hard.

i said, "honey.. tell your boyfriend he just wasn't weading it wite" -and then we both laughed some more.

and now...

i will never see that window the same; instant smiles

she's taryn it up again...

that funny girl of mine

thank you Jesus. amen!

I AM GRATEFUL FOR LEONARDSTEGMANN.BLOGSPOT.COM (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

and apparently, so are lots of other people

according to the website visits counter:
"167,952!"

"happy thanksgiving!"

75,000 COMEDY POINTS for (taryn!)

2011-11-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

6:30am, some day last week

me: "honey.. i'm gonna need to hop on the computer.. it dawned on me at some strange hour that i used the word gate.. when i meant to use the other gait"

daughter: "what other gate?"

me: "well, you've probably never heard it, or read it or used it.. but there's gate. g.a.t.e., which means like a fence and then there's this other gait, g.a.i.t."

daughter: "nope, never heard it. whatz it mean?"

me: "it means, like.. the way you walk; how you carry yourself."

daughter: "no. never heard it before."

me: "well, i need to fix it on a recent blog post i did.. it's bothering me."

daughter continues with getting ready for school. i post addendum to blog post.

***

7:30ish/am -same day.

daughter's carrying a large stack of very thick hard cover school books that reaches from her folded hands at waist to above her chin, plus her backpack, plus phone, plus overnight bag

she's weighed down, and in a hurry to get out the door. she can't bend down to put her shoes on and so just slips her feet in half way

just enough that the shoes will at least move with her mixed match socked feet

the whole thing causes her knees to buckle in toward each other, like a cripple, and she can't quite take normal steps, but instead has to drag/scoot her feet along the cement so her shoes don't fall off

entirely comedic and entertaining to witness from a couple steps behind

"oh, if you could see yourself write now.." i said, "this is pretty funny"

and she turned with such quickness to look me in the eye. chin barely above the books.

"do you mean my gait?" [witty smile] "the way i'm carrying myself?"

and i just laughed for the longest stretch -winked to God above and thanked him again for the blessing that is my daughter.

SCARY GOOD writing in progress by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-18T08:12:00.001-08:00

scary good.

it will eventually be the title of a poem i intend to write about falling in love.

**

but first.. i have to address a couple of patterns of human behavior

1) how quickly the ego searches for reassurance if the heart feels vulnerable and/or insecure

i watch it happen again, again, again

and see, from a distance, how counterproductive it can ultimately be.

2) and i've mentioned it more than once.. but it surfaces again, write now

how.. how often times when you tell a person something makes you uncomfortable -and your wish is that the given behavior would stop

it doesn't stop.

they just stop telling you about it. it just pushes it behind close doors; in a closet.

we don't change behavior; we relocate it.

changing behavior is several steep steps up a long and narrow stairway.

***

i am in the company of many -safe to say, hundreds, of people between my 3 jobs, my church, my daily life

the amount of phone calls, texts, photographs, etc. that take place behind loved ones backs

to feed egos

is painfully high.

maybe it is to protect egos? protect hearts. everyone seems to feel empowered if they have a back up..

it is not empowerment at all.

to the contrary..

tricky thing.. to identify, recognize and override the needs/demands of our egos..

but true love demands you do.

LOVE ALONG THE WAY for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-18T07:48:00.000-08:00

you will have to tilt your head to the write for the correct view. i have flipped this picture three times, but it's not saving...

let's just go with that,

calling this one.. LOVE ALONG THE WAY

it was emailed to me from my handsome prince of sexiness

what he said, was that early in the morning he prayed and asked God to help him find a heart sign to send my way

he anticipated searching throughout the whole day

but instead

it was early in the morning, on his drive into san francisco

and from interstate 880, in the oakland area, he i~spied the picture you see here.

slow traffic allowed him to capture the picture.

made my day, as i'm sure you can imagine.

now.. at first glance, i thought it was created from the sun.. shadows, etc.

but it does look like it's painted on..

so in my imagination it falls in a wonderful, but separate category from heart shapes born/found that exist without any human intention.

either way..

it is a delight always to find love along the way.

WORK PATTERNS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

oh,

when the sun is shining and it's so warm and gorgeous outside;

it's so hard to go to work.

oh,

and when i open the blinds and it is gray and cold outside, so uninviting;

it sure is hard to go to work.

and when the kids are off from school for holidays and get to sleep in

sure is hard to go to work.

oh,

and when i have a hot coffee in my hand, and am snuggled in the arms of the one i love

it sure is hard to go to work

oh,

and when i have 5 stories i'd love to write and 10 books i'd sure love to read

it sure is hard to go to work.

when a great song is playing...

when a great movie is on...

when i wake up from a great dream...

when it's any day of the week...

when i'm tired...

when i'm full of energy...

on days just like today

it sure is hard to get ready and go to work.

GROUNDED IN LOVE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

i spied in parking lot

@ roche, hacienda business park

pleasanton

11*15*11

where i enjoyed a most delicious

lunch with my handsome prince

"thank you!"

"love you!"

THOUGHTS ON SELF CONSCIOUSNESS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

i must include myself.. but easier to report on the fascinating behaviors of people i witness/observe

when they see themselves

in a picture or video

how one person.. upon seeing themself in a video.. which, by the way, included a crowd of people

how said person's eye went only and exclusively to themself in the video.. blocking out every other thing taking place

"that's terrible, how i have my hands. how i'm holding my hands like that..."

and no one else even noticed until it was pointed out. even then.. like, what's the big deal?

but said person would just rather never be video taped again. -because -well, what if anyone saw this strange holding hands things

the unconscious made overly-self-conscious.

and then, if you contrast something like that with a movie star; an actor..

a person willing to be seen on the gigantic silver screen by masses of people -with strange hand holding... bubble gum chewing, butt scratching, burping, stuttering... whatever

they don't care

they are somehow self-consciousless...

the brain wiring differences between the two fascinates me. the overly self-conscious vs. the self-consciousless

and then..

add to my fascination -how actors can be entirely self-consciousless when they are.. acting.

sharing the truth of an imaginary person/situation.. (semi-quoting ashley judd there),

but become self-conscious when they are required to be... their real self.

***

add to my fascination..

the desire for actors to appear authentic.. that is, the greatest actors of our time, are the ones who do the best job of talking/behaving in a way that is closest to the way -a non actor

would talk/behave in a given situation.

authentic response.

and how the authentic response can be very different, for different people, in the exact same situation...

but all reveals where we are each at in the spiritual spectrum of life...

and reveals wiring..

turn the camera on one... action begins. turn the camera on another... action stops.

but even for actors... for great actors

behaviors change when they are conscious of a camera being on them; vs. unaware...

we can further complicate, by including times when an actor only -suspects- but does not know a camera is on them

when they think there is a camera on them, but there is not..

when they think there is not a camera on, but there is... [please note the use of the word think vs. know]

further complicate with what i will here call, acting fractals..

an actor, acting like an actor, who is trying not to act for the camera.. /this can go on and on...

but always..

somewhere in there.. is a hunt for authenticity

why?

because it exists.

LOVE = SUCCESS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-09T08:46:00.000-08:00

favorite quote on joyce meyer program this morning: "God loves to restore what the enemy tries to take away."

LOVE that!

and it certainly captures what has become my world view: there is a loving God. there is an enemy. the battlefield is hearts & minds..

and so often in the face of devastation, trauma, etc., you will hear people say, "if there is a loving God.. how could this (or that) happen.."

and i think.. because there is also an enemy.

-which is why it is important to realize that in our response to trauma, devastation, wounds of any kind

in our response, we must exhibit behaviors like Jesus

respond with love, courage, sympathy, compassion -offering healing in any small way

and be careful not to respond in a way that furthers the agenda of our enemy

-all of this, by the way, is spiritual in nature

so, to respond to hate with hate.. furthers agenda of the enemy

respond to violence, with violence..

etc.,

but! it seems to me, that said, -self defense, protection of innocent people via weapons is in fact write & necessary in our times

motivation becomes very important here; crucial

key

and who has access to the truth regarding our motivation/the circumstances we face, internal decisions we make?

in all circumstances

turn first and only to God for wisdom.

it is discernable by wise people.. which actions further Kingdom agenda; which actions further agenda of our enemy

you can witness the failure or success by witnessing which is growing at a faster rate: love or hate.

where populations are dominated by hate...

where populations are dominated by love...

and this is true for small units, like families.. all the way to larger populations of entire states, societies, countries etc.

***

and so.. you will hear some people say -people who have yet to develop a personal relationship with God

things like.. "i can't vote for anyone who thinks they hear from God" -as if such a person is crazy, or delusional

but my life experience has landed me in the opposite camp

i would not want any leader to be my leader who doesn't have a personal relationship with God.

what is God? LOVE.

now..

for certain, we have corruption in leadership.. those who truly consult/hear from God; receive & apply God's wisdom

and those who use God -who say they hear from God, but who in fact, don't even pray, but use that as a way to further their own personal agendas

to appease the people

how can any of us regular citizens know a hidden agenda from a legitimate one?

for me personally..

i realize i don't know. but whenever i come across anyone who serves in our military, for example, i give the benefit of the doubt

i say as often as possible, "thank you for your noble service" i believe their hearts are in the write place

i support our military, while simultaneously desiring peace in the world and desiring our world to have a better understanding/knowledge of the humanitarians on our planet (see remember them monument in oakland) who -

with non-violent means

influenced, in a positive & loving way, large masses of people.

whole populations...

LOVE grew.. without weapons -even for self defense.

if anything is worthy of great research and study...

i'm not certain how much time is spent in school on this topic write now.. but it should increase dramatically

everywhere

we should know these remarkable people intimately.

the way children know pop & sports stars...

but first!

we must create the appetite for such knowledge...

first challenge first...

LAST POST ON LOOKS for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-07T08:35:00.000-08:00

hps: "okay... so let me ask you a question. why do you get your hair done?"

this, and similar questions/conversations are poised to set me up for confessing to caring about my looks.

i say, "yes.. my sexiness.. i like to be presentable"

"see. see! seeeee! ~you do care about your looks!"

i took a moment to explain my return on investment when it comes to hair -in short, i can spend over an hour standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom each day, with a brush & blow drier and at the conclusion of said hour -my hair looks like shit.

no return on investment for my time & energy. i'd rather be writing.

or, and so.. i can go to sarah at regis salon at stoneridge mall.. and for $29 + tip, i can get a very long, very thorough, -dissappear~into~another~world shampoo & massage which brings me great pleasure, joy and strengthens my immune system, reduces my stress + her professional, wonderful blow dry & style -which lasts me an entire week -and is why i wear a shower cap for all my showers during the week.

that my friends.. is an excellent return on investment!

***

now.. in regard to how much time/attention i give my looks. -fair question my handsome prince

i'll answer this way

if i were to ask you, 5 years into owning your first home

"do you own your home, or does your home own you?"

most home owners know their personal truth to this question... has to do with how much you are slaving to make payments, maintain upkeep etc.,

same is true for my looks.

definitely, when i was younger, weaker, and drowning in mass media images

my looks owned me. how i looked was a preoccupation. very sad to think how much time, energy, $ resources, i wasted that could have been put to much more valuable use...

but now.. having been on steady mass media diet for years now.. older, wiser, stronger

i own my looks; they don't own me.

and the liberation! to never be preoccupied by my appearance ~excellent return on investment!

and with that..

i turn to more interesting, valuable topics..

thank you

i love you!

see you at lunch....

HOW YOU LOOK AT (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

i won't forget it anytime soon; the way he looked at me.

i mean NEVER has any male creature, in any time in my ENTIRE life so far EVER looked at me the way this child did

as i walked through the door to the school office because my son was arriving a little late

he was sitting at a desk doing what looked like some sort of independent study. and as i walked in with my son he looked write at me

stopped everything he was doing

starred, wide eyed and silent at first, then he smiled

the moment he spoke.. i knew he was special. in a slight stutter, but extra articulately and with great care to detail he said something like,

"wow! your.. your hair. it's so nice. the way the colors contrast. the light and then the dark. the two colors together contrasting. it, it, it.. it makes your

your hair look very nice. i like it."

"thank you! i really appreciate that!" i told him. -and if they'd let me, i would have taken that sweet child home with me and he'd be mine forever

then, i continued on with my son with the matter at hand. signing in late.. school i.d., etc., etc., and wished him a great day

passed that sweet child again on my way out and said, "have a great day!"

***

on our drive home, after school, i said to my son.. "that boy this morning sure made my day" and my son said, "yeah, i thought so"

but in truth.. it wasn't what he said, or how he said it. it was the way he looked at me. like i was the most beautiful female in the world.

that's a first. and i'm sure a last and only.

i don't say it fishing for compliments, reassurance or sympathy. i just speak a truth.

i have a magic ability to understand what people are thinking when they look at me.

and i do get looked at with love

great love. from my children, my brother, my sister, -family, friends..

i get looked at with kindness and affection..

i get looked at, yes, as attractive -for my age... by a percentage of people

i get a lot of... you could look attractive if... by a larger percentage of people

and just recently i got really looked up and down by a new fellow mom i was meeting
for the first time

boy.. she was talking to me, but her eyes went up and down my body, like.. like, i don't know what

there was a time not too long ago, that kind of thing made me incredibly uncomfortable.. but now i just find it entertaining.

now.. i stand more erect and put my hands out just a little, to gesture.. go write ahead.. check it all out at your own pace

and when i get more brave.. one day i'm just going to start turning in a slow circle..

like what you see?

-it just came to me.. what it feels like to be looked up and down like that by fellow moms

and/or people in general

feels like those show dogs must feel.. being checked out for their gate, teeth, color, shape of nose, posture of ears, space between eyes, over all hygiene, i.q., level of obedience

weight, height, economic & social status

and so for those of us on the receiving end of such human judges of all things superficial

i think we should just do that.. smile. put our arms out. turn in a slow, steady, circle

let them take us in

knowing our pedigree is that of the blood of Jesus

children -perfect, as is.. beautiful children of the most high God.

***

do i hear a hallelujah in the house?! i know i do

***

dear sweet child -peer to my son

"thank you!" "thank you!" "thank you!" i don't know whether or not you say that to all the girls

but! wow! i'll hold that moment -the way you looked at me ~in my heart forever.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SURPRISE IS THIS? for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

handsome prince of sexiness (hps): "i have a surprise for you..."

me (me): "what could it be?!"

hps: [ hand delivers beautiful bright pink bag with beautiful pink/red box inside.. reads on outside: victoria secret]

oh my God.. how many times do i have to tell this guy i'm not a model?!

i was hopin' for a brown box, with gold letters, that read on outside: godiva.

me: [dreading what i might find inside... opening slowly.. certain he has fallen in love with wrong girl if he is still shoppin' at victoria secret and not say, .. anywhere else] "oh my God! honey.. i LOVE it! like, really love it..

i'm totally in shock write now..

i love the color..

i love these sparkly things along the neck line..

i love these pants! this pattern.. now these are just darling!

i love this fabric!

[go into bathroom, try on with slight fear whether it will fit or not...

and... and... blessings from heaven! it fits! kinda..]

"honey.. honey... look real quick and then turn out the lights so you can barely see me in this!"

and i like it so much... wearing the top to work today...

"thank you hps!" ~i'm inspired to shop now for... -the real you.

THE CONTENT REWARD by (me!), sandra, tvgp

2011-11-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

her tone, is very important here

because when she spoke, my teenage daughter, she was not speaking with teenage angst or attitude, not speaking with condemnation, arrogance, or superiority

she spoke with complete honesty and sincerity; genuine curiosity

when she said to me, "how can you watch this program without falling asleep? -she is so monotone. the set never changes.. it's the same, same, same..."

i said to her.. "you're write. it's an old program. but i don't watch it for the set, or her voice.. i watch it for the content. i look past all that and focus on the content and for that i get a great reward. inside the message itself is a great reward."

and then i told her about one of the greatest speakers on ted.com

-i have friends who in fact could not finish watching one of the greatest talks on ted.com of all time because they could not get past the unspeaker~like quality of the speakers voice.

but i told my daughter.. "if you can get past that.. and listen for content.. you will be greatly rewarded -because the content of what she has to share is very valuable."

and the thing is.. she is not a public speaker. not a radio personality. not a movie star. she is a neuroscientist who experienced a stroke.. she is a daughter. sister of a mentally ill brother... she is a fellow human being with some very valuable information to share from her direct life experience. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!

no one could ever! repeat her life experience in a fashion superior to her -any attempt to have a beautiful person, with a beautiful voice come reiterate her story would dramatically diminish the value. it would be awful. -it is as powerful as it is exactly because it comes direct from the neuroscientist's mouth

and i believe there are opportunities like that everyday.. monthly... annually...

if you can get past what a person looks like, dresses like, what car they drive, what salary they do or don't make... what political party they serve allegiance to, what religious practices.. what sexual orientation.. what great or lack of .education... what language... what age... what sins...

etc., etc., etc.

if you can get past the initially uncomfortable and focus on content.. on character.. on message...

you will be greatly rewarded.

***

the program i can watch without falling asleep is mother angelica live on ewtn.

and one of the greatest talks of all time on ted.com is HERE

"you're welcome" /she says with a smile...

have a beautiful and blessed day

WHITE HEART REMAINS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-11-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

look at this! new favorite in my random heart collection. i-spied this one, after church, sitting outside noah's bagels -guess where: corner of santa rita & valley

didn't have my camera with me.. so captured "thank you!" to my handsome prince

and they (him/his daughters) left earlier than me.. i sat watching this white plastic bag from safeway, wrinkled beautifully, randomly, miraculously, into a heart shape -get rolled over in all four directions by cars coming and going to the grocery store/restaurants

and it just stayed as you see it... not one suv, or van, or motorcycle, or bus -despite weight or speed or direction, ruined the heart shape the entire time i was there

so that's how it got its name: white heart remains.

***

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR HANDSOME PRINCE

and so there he was in his new apartment

practically naked

in a big naked room, all lit and bright and empty and totally quiet

and i'm sure he hoped i would just see him.. in this well lit, big, empty room and just take off all my clothes and make love to him, write then, write there...

write in the middle of the empty, well lit, super quiet, living room floor

wrong girl.

and so i said to him.. "honey... have you not learned anything in the 3+ months we've been together?

repeat after me: lights off. music on. lights off. music on. lights off. music on.

and so eventually he caught on.. and we made our way to his bedroom

and the lights went off. and the music turned on.

and i wanted to try, and you know.. add some positive reinforcement so i said... "wow! something about this totally dark room and great music makes me want to take off all my clothes and make sweet love to you.."

****

I AM A SPOILED CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD

spiritual progress report: and so in this world.. no matter who you are, where you are.. you will come in direct contact with people who don't like you, who despise you, who are jealous of you, who have ill intentions toward you

i am the company of such people on occasion

it is worth noting -i do not feel hate, or jealousy, or ill intention back. and worth noting -i do not work at this. those feelings don't even surface up in me

what does surface up in me is this: oh.. people... i am a spoiled child of the most high God. i wouldn't mess with me if i were you.

but i do not say it out loud. i keep that recurring thought to myself.

i take no counter action of my own and give the entire situation to God.

ALSO: another spiritual nugget for me -from my joyce meyer

"HE IS ALREADY THERE"

i can't tell you how much those few words continue to comfort, guide and bring immediate peace to me

when i have an awkward encounter on the horizon.. say to myself.. he is already there. God is already there.

and in my experiences to date

this is very true.

very true and very real.

in Jesus name.. hallelujah & amen!

IF YOU'RE GONNA PICTURE THIS YOU BETTER PICTURE THAT by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

so, don't you know..

i had the great pleasure -great surprise of my life pleasure, getting to see, kiss, meet and have my picture taken with My Charlie Rose...

and don't you know..

i was outside of myself excited to see the pictures.. "let me see those.. oh my God.. let me see them again.. can i see those one more time.. i have to text my daughter.. my mom... my sister... my brother... kathy cordova..."

and while my handsome prince of sexiness drove us home from this positively extraordinary and wonderful event

i just floated on my own cloud of happiness reliving the moment

got the giggles thinkin' how i had the opportunity, if i wasn't myself, to land a kiss write on charlie roses's lips.. but i'm me, and so.. you know.. wanted to keep my manners and instead went for his cheek

only, he's kinda tall, and i'm kinda awkward, so it ended up somewhere on his neck.

but! oh! in the one the pictures my handsome prince took... doesn't it look exactly like CHARLIE ROSE is about to kiss the heck out of me!

and if i wasn't me.. i would have it blown up into a 16x20... but i am me... so, what i have is a 5x7.

in fact..

i raced.. i mean, i practically ran to work to print out those pictures of me, and My Charlie Rose, -so quickly got them inside a frame

and so quickly, so proudly, -put them up on a shelf in my room, for all my world to see

and then i thought to myself..

now, that's not write, is it?!

here i've been dating my handsome prince of sexiness for over 3 months... he got the tickets... he drove us... he sat with me... he is the one, who in fact.. grabbed me by the hand.. encouraged and guided me to sneak around guarded hallways in the maples pavilion at standford, around corners, down stairs to the outside, where the limo was waiting for My Charlie Rose..

and i was sayin' to myself, and to him, out loud.. in anticipation of defeat... "maybe we can just try to see him when we go to new york..."

but he helped me wait.. stuck it out.. and eventually.. to the bliss of my being, said, "there's Charlie!"

and ... then i summuned my courage to walk up to him (without tripping even), and ask him out to dinner

only, those words wouldn't come out the way i wanted, and so i'm pretty sure what i said was..

"would it be okay to take 1 picture?" after i landed the kiss on his neck.

and just look at that! not 1 picture... but TWO! of what are now my favorite pictures in the whole wide world.

sorry kids.

anyway..

so i was thinkin' ~now that's not write is it?! to so quickly print out, frame and display the pictures of me and My Charlie Rose when i don't even have one picture on any shelf anywhere, at home or work, of me & my handsome prince

and he's the one to thank (in addition to kathy cordova), for the pictures..

so, ... that's how the first pictures of me & my handsome prince ended up on my shelf. and i brought one over for him to place somewhere in his new apartment here in pleasanton

you can't picture this, without picturing that!

it just wouldn't be write.

SEXUAL REVELATIONS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

k-

follow me on this one..

i, for example, consider joyce meyer one of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time. -that said, what i've learned over the course of watching her for several years now

is that, i can't necessarily turn to her, her books, or her tv program, to learn about sex; like, the details.

but!

i know she has sex, makes love to david, because they have 4 children...

details beyond that are left only to the imagination.

however!

she has provided public testimony about being sexually abused by her father "raped over 200 times"

****

so is that interesting to anyone else? that the sexual abuse becomes a public testimony, but we will never hear her talk publically about love making between her and her husband? -wonder how many times they've made love?

***

this is what we are lacking in our culture. positive testimonies.

from great leaders.

write now pop culture is the primary source. and so often it is void of love, emotional connection. promoted without consequence attached -used to sell products, manipulate populations

over-hyped

under valued.

for holy progress in this area, i pray.

hallelujah! & amen!

PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T QUITE HEAR (ME!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

and i did experiment with that in the past.. the whole talkin' dirty during sex thing..

let the most derogatory things enter my ears, my heart, my soul, in an effort to be on the same sexual page as my lover at the time

tried to say things back to keep up /keep him up and going.

make him want me.

the aftermath was that my self-esteem took a long, deep, severe and dramatic dive into quick sand that it took a long time to climb out of

that, and he lied, cheated and abandon me.

so.. every chance i associate talkin' dirty with the type of man who lives dirty too..

***

all of this is going through my mind as i try to say something -anything.. while i'm having sex with my handsome prince..

so, after..

i mention it. i say,

"i think i'm still traumatized from talkin' dirty in the past.. such derogatory things.."

and he says,

"like what? tell me something you said?"

but he doesn't ask it in a tone of a concerned counselor/friend.. he says it in a tone, like.. "say it.. it might turn me on too"

and so,

i'm pretty sure he didn't hear me.

***

here's what i'm willing to say..

i love you. i want you. i need you. i desire you.

i want you in me. on me. under me. all around me..

write now.

in me. on me. under me....

write now.

****

i'm just gettin' warmed up...

picture me, three months from now..

THOUGHTS ON SEX from (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-26T10:39:00.001-07:00

now.. i must step out of writeousmom mode and into divorced mother of two, dating/falling in love mode:

let me start by sharing, that despite the fact i have been married/divorced twice, have birthed two children, have dated too many men to mention, have had one night stands, long term relationships, and not, everything, but plenty in between..

i can't fully explain it

but it feels, perhaps after such a long break.. that every. single. thing. is new.

like, i'm starting from scratch. like, i've forgotten everything i've ever learned about sex.. and must start all over..

to say, like a virgin, would be an exaggeration for sure.. but not a grand exaggeration.

so..

my God.. what are people doin' these days?

what is mass media manipulation? what is mass media education? what is natural? what is not? what are the boundaries? where are the lines?

my sexiness and i.. we've been havin' sex, and makin' wild passionate love as you know.. but..

it's so quiet.

i told him.. "i've been trained into silence.. this is going to take a while.."

certainly, there is mass media pressure to, you know, talk dirty, during sex

really? my God.. do i have to wear a costume and talk dirty? this is just too much for me.

seems like it used to be much simpler..

and how necessary is it, really? i had sex alone for many years, and not once did i need to turn myself on by saying anything naughty to myself.. /and the image of that can send me laughing for several minutes..

i didn't need to breathe heavy.. i didn't have to wear anything special... i didn't need to do much of anything beyond close my eyes, use my imagination, and enjoy my body

in total silence.

but add one person, and look what happens..

***

but i'm in love, and i like sex.. so

i'm in training.

and he's a wonderful coach.

of course, i can't help but feel insecure, awkward, and i entirely lack the vocabulary to communicate all i'm thinking and feeling

and i've always thought i'd rather talk to my friends than go read cosmo

but it turns out -my friends are getting their information from cosmo...

/and i have friend supplying me with a book today..

i need videos! i want graphics! i want a step by step demonstration..!..

but, what i've learned over the years, is that for the same reasons you need to be very cautious looking up symptoms on the internet, for an illness

you need to also be very cautious lookin' up sexual tutors

both have the potential to make fatal, what was a temporary innocuous event in an otherwise thriving human being.

but there's something about my sexiness..

some chemistry between us, i can't explain...

that has awaken my entire body, in a way that it has never been awake and alive before

and as a fairly self~conscious person... trained into silence..

it is a real trick for someone to help me lose my mind enough to forget everything else in the world -except the pleasure of the moment

and how can i thank him?

except to make every effort to help him lose his mind too.

i thank God for you.. my handsome prince of sexiness...

everything is new.

awkward and new.

PERSPECTIVES ON SEX by (me!) writeousmom

2011-10-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

inspiration for this post: comments from caring people, who find some of my blogs inappropriate. "what if your children read it?"

***

fair concern.

**

i'll address it here.

***

have to start by confessing sex is a great area of confusion for me; and i live with a fair amount of hypocrisy. -that is, i do, by choice, and with consciousness, a certain amount of things, that i also complain other people shouldn't be doing

***

next.. let's say, someone found my mention of oral sex and/or masturbation inappropriate -in case my children read my blog -or someone else's children read my blog...

to that i can only say... wow! i can't get my children to read much of anything that isn't absolutely mandated by their teachers for school, so..

i'd be impressed if any children were reading my blog.

next, let me say.. wake up! people.. our children are in (oh, i have no idea how to spell this... innundated?)

anyway, our children are swimmin', in fact, drowning, in references to sex everyday, -from the internet, from applications on their phones, from tv sitcoms, from the movies

and the #1 greatest source write now, is music. on the radio. in the lyrics. and access to these lyrics on the radio is available everyday to everyone; infant to senior citizen

toddlers are singin' along lyrics to songs much more sexually explicit than anything i've ever dared to write within the pages of this here blog

now..

if you are one of the households who pretends sex is not a part of your life.. who over protects your children from the mention of it..

let me tell you where they will turn..

and actually, they don't even need to turn... all they have to do is stand there, and it will come to them .

another confession, before i continue... my mind has changed on this topic over the years, and it may change again from where it is now

but where it is now, is: we -us, the parents.. we need to demonstrate sex as a God blessed experience that takes place between two people who love each other

we need to mention it.. we need to celebrate it... we need to be available to inspire and answer the questions our children have on the topic

if we are not available -someone else will be. mass media is brain washing our children into believing sex is a recreational sport; is without consequence; is physically wonderful and emotionally void

mass media is brain washing our children into believing sex is a noble form of attention getting..

it is exploiting, manipulating and in fact, destroying one of God's greatest gifts to mankind.

children.. if you are reading this... i have a big surprise for you! "your parents have sex!" -in fact, you wouldn't be here if they didn't

do you have questions about sex? -turn off the radio... turn off your phone.. turn off the internet...
and ask your mom and/or dad.

if they won't talk about it.. ask me. in Jesus name.

hallelujah & amen!

"I'M GOING TO BE FAMOUS!!" (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

so..

suddenly my emails are filling up with mean-spirited comments from -anonymous sources.

that can only mean one thing...

"i'm going to be famous!"

this kind of thing has happened to every successful, famous person i've ever known.

and now it looks like it's my turn.

"thank you!" mean spirited people

now i know i'm on the write path....

hallelujah & amen!

ALL I SEE IS GOD'S AMAZING LANDSCAPE & LOVE (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

person A & person B are in a romantic relationship; which is which gender, doesn't matter

person A wakes up and leaves for work.. takes in the bright clear morning, sings along to favorite songs, catches glimpses of magnificent birds, rolling hills, and is amazed by the choreography of cars, stop signs, stop lights.. the entire landscape is a feast for the eyes, the soul, the mind.. and inspires silent, personal prayers of gratitude

person B, does the same. and when they meet in the evening, they enjoy one another and say thank you to God.

***

person B & C are in a romantic relationship; which is which gender, doesn't matter

person B wakes up and leaves for work (repeat pattern for person A above; enjoys God's magnificent landscape...

person C wakes up.. waits impatiently for person B to leave so flirtatious instant messaging and private erotic phone calls can take place with person D behind person B's back

(but not, i might point out, behind God's back..)

and when they meet in the evening, person C, practices deceit; improving with time..
person B remains oblivious... (for a time)

****

person E and F are in a romantic relationship; gender doesn't matter

person E, wakes up... hyper checks person E's phone bill, checks clothes for evidence of cheating, checks cyber communications, worries, is anxious and unsettled.. certain person F is cheating and is about to prove it...

person F, is not cheating. leaves for work, taking in the magnificence of God.. and looks forward to making love to person E when they see each other again.

****

person G and H are in a romantic relationship.. gender; no matter

person G, wakes up.. (repeat pattern for person E) -misses all of God's glory preoccupied with cheating that might be going on by person H with person I

person H, is in fact... cheating. -as time will tell.

****

then of course, you have the scenario where both people are cheating behind each other's backs

-but again, not at all behind God's.

***

i think, at age almost 46, i have experienced/participated in almost each scenario mentioned above

and have made some decisions based on those experiences

to entirely

completely

utterly

trust God.

and to NEVER allow my mind to become preoccupied and/or worried with whether or not i'm being cheated on

every second spent in worry, is a second robbed of being able to take in and digest and enjoy the beauty, the magificence, the glory, the miracles God provides in abundance every single day

i say to God this:

i trust you. i trust you will help me see what you want me to see; what i need to see..

and if i am being cheated on.. i trust God will let me know, in God's time and God's way.. and i will move forward from there

and with that knowledge and understanding, i am free to sing along to my favorite songs and dance with joy to the music of faith, and life

completely worry free.

-this did not happen over night.

it has taken YEARS

but the experience of this liberation exceeds all other material riches the natural world has to offer.

we can all only be responsible for our own behavior, actions & decisions.

i am responsible for me. and live according to my values/beliefs, etc.

you..

you are responsible for you. and are free to live according to your own values/beliefs, etc.

hallelujah! & amen!

MEET MY BODY (mine!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-25T21:07:00.001-07:00

i am a mass media survivor in remission.

in my teens, my 20's, and into my 30's
it was my inclination to change my body to meet men's expectations.

but having made it to my 40's

it is now my inclination, to change men's expectations, to meet my body.

***

and i am sorry to report,

that mass media, having successfully attacked girls/women for decades now; and profited accordingly

well, they are after our boys and our men...

it's getting worse; not better.

who is on guard? who among us, is on guard?

AMAZING BLESSINGS for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

there's every chance this is a delusion... but it sure does seem like God is preparing me for an onslaught of amazing blessings.

hallelujah! & amen! and "thank you!"

DRININ' & DANCIN' WITH MY CHARLIE ROSE, yeah, (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

i'm failing here to keep this a big secret. -my dinner with charlie rose

the most gracious tv host in tv land

this saturday!

/that is.. if he says yes when i make my way up on the stage and ask him

***

"thank you!" here to miracle mom -kathy cordova, for sending me the link which creates my next "thank you!" to ms/mh

for purchasing us the tickets.

charlie rose -write here in my own

well, maybe not my own~my own.. but, in my friend's backyard.

***

in my imagination, when i mention, charlie rose, everyone should be as familiar with his name as oprah's

but what i've found out

is there are a whole lotta people missin' out on PBS

"people! it should be on your favorites; dvr'd!"

so then when i mention our dinner, dancing date, people say, "who is charlie rose anyway? and i thought you already have a boyfriend.."

and i'm like.. "how can you not know charlie rose! -and he's not the kind of man who can be summed up in a few words..

you have to see for yourself.

***

and apparently, you need to see several programs before you catch on..

my handsome prince watched a couple with me -an interview with the ceo of the corporation he works for, for example..

and one with 4 powerful women being interviewed

and one with 4 talented men..

and i don't think we can continue in our relationship unless he watches the 12 part brain series with me...

but anyway..

you'd think, after witnessing several hours of charlie at the big round oak table, that he'd know better than to..

well, here's what happened:

my handsome prince occasionally watches the news in spanish, because he knows i won't permit the news to be on if i'm in the same room with the television set -and he figures if i can't understand what they're sayin' then he's safe

but just as love has a universal sound, no matter the language, when it comes to music

so does the news [operation spanish news: FAIL]

anyway..

he points to this spanish speaking woman on tv who is chatting up a spanish storm and says to me, "she is like the charlie rose of [whatever the station is]."

PLEASE.

"YOU CAN'T GO COMPARING ANYONE WHO DOES *A INTERVIEW ON TV WITH MY CHARLIE ROSE!" i explain in clear english..

then he went on to say, she only interviews celebrities.

"well, there you have it then don't you," i told him, "charlie rose interviews the greatest minds on our planet! the greatest scientists, the greatest architects, the greatest (and worst) world leaders! the greatest coaches! the greatest writers! the greatest teachers! greatest ceo's! PLUS! pop culture celebrities

and! commercial free! no live audience! -it's just him.. and his guests, around a cool oak table having a conversation.. an uninterrupted conversation!" i felt compelled to point out

and maybe i didn't say it exactly like that, or in that order.. but i was thinkin' it!

and i set him straight! with my thoughts.

no blow job for you tonight mister

but, on the other hand, he did get the tickets...

* = stupid rules i learned in school:

what person -who?! i ask you -came up with the stupid rule that A should be AN if the next word in the sentence begins with a vowel

i mean really!?

i say we end that silliness write here and now. we need grammar rules to join us in the 21st century

we've just had an earthquake

like, i just experienced an earthquake! -so, notice how i just slipped that N write back in

on the in~case.

not sure who i pissed off

let me take a guess -/and you KNOW it's a guess, because the news is definitely not on in this room

3.8 (?)

until the unknown next time....

"i love you! ~everyone!"

EMPTY SPACE LOVE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

newest addition to my random hearts photo collection:

i spied this one in the creative imaging parking lot. only had my phone camera, so "thank you!" here to kelly syth for transferring/emailing back to me

callin' this one: empty space love /because you couldn't see it until the car left the scene

***

couple samples from my growing collection:

THE JESUS HOT SPOT for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

let me describe close as i can get to actual experience

something triggered a thought of my daughter... and when my daughter's face appeared in my memory, so did a few sentences from a story i wrote about her in my book

it is the story where i tell her, "i've spied a leader in you since you were in kindergarten"

and

the thought is interrupted.. not interrupted, really, but -over-ridden

and feels like God is sayin' to me, in a louder voice than i am rememberin' these words to my daughter

like, God to me.. not me to my daughter

"i've spied a leader in YOU since you were in kindergarten"

and i kinda got choked up

and guess where i was?

near valley and santa rita again.

HALF FULL & ON THE ROCKS for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-19T22:16:00.000-07:00

are we at risk -my handsome prince of sexiness and i? at risk of ...what elizabeth gilbert writes about so utterly perfectly, in her masterpiece, eat, pray, love

becoming people we are not; becoming the other

my current level of vulnerability/risk has me back peddling -in truth.. i have a very high code of ethics when it comes to relationships, as you know -higher even, when it comes to romantic relationships

one day i will have to really write them out -my romantic relationship code of ethics -but not in a place to do that write now

for now, i can just say -my code of ethics; my expectations are not realistic for any male currently on the planet

i realize that truth. puts me in a place to a) lower/alter my expectations b) opt out

in fairness to me -i do not require anything i'm not also willing to provide.

i don't, for example, say "no drinks alone with opposite sex.." and then go out and have a drink alone with a person of the opposite sex

but.. wow! 12 weeks in, and i'm already visiting preoccupations/worries i'd really rather not have to visit.

romantic relationships -falling in love -comes with a lot of extra crap

i do not say this so you will feel sorry for me. i do not say this so you will team up with me. i do not say this to provoke

i only say this from a great place of honesty - i may not be qualified for romantic relationships.

the same way i'm not qualified for marathons, tennis, singing in the choir

how many times have i prayed to Jesus? -can you PLEASE just put me in my areas of competence!!!!

can i PLEASE shine in some area... SHINE! instead of constantly being reminded of what i can't do -of whom i'm not and who i never will be

anyway -back to elizabeth gilbert. and eat, pray, love. before she meets the man she is currently (allow me to cough and spit here) married to -she is in a failed relationship -make that, series of failed relationshipS

where she kind of, unconsciously, accidentally, unintentionally becomes the other person. that is, -becomes more like the other person, than herself

it's an epidemic

people molding themselves to meet the needs/desires of the other

a dangerous epidemic

and so, exactly because i'm hurt and insecure write now; i'm revisiting my 12 weeks with my sexiness

he never watched charlie rose before we met; now he does, as a courtesy to me, and even purchased tickets for us to see charlie rose @ stanford this month -very kind, but.. not really him, i'd say

and me.. anyone who has read me by blog, or in person, KNOWS one of the last shows i'm ever likely to pay attention to is a show like, entourage

and yet where do i find myself? in bed with my sexiness trying my heart out to find lines i like, dialogue i can appreciate while watching one of his favorite tv shows of all time -entourage

and he had never even heard of TED.com -he'd rather be watchin' the news, or popular sit coms -but he watched several TED podcasts for my sake -probably tryin' his heart out to find something he could appreciate

he likes bikinis, short-shorts, sexy (no idea how to spell longe~er~ray)

i'm in my favorite, favorite, giraffe pajamas!

i tried to wear something sexy for him before he left, but... hid under the blankets feeling like a complete idiot

God! it feels like 5 years worth of personal work and spiritual accomplishment have been yanked out from underneath me

prior to meeting my handsome prince of sexiness... strong and single, and single and strong -i would have guessed, had anyone made me guess

that i could bend really far to the left or write without snapping

but what i'm learning is i can barely bend at all without breaking.

i'm strong if i'm single, and fragile as an empty egg shell in a romantic relationship.

easy to crack.

is this your way Jesus... of telling me you want me all to yourself? -or.. am i to break and grow?

break and go?

***

my beautiful sister friend from thailand -nan. she says more profound things in english, her second language, than i'll ever say in my own mother tongue

some may know her from the "how they met" article i wrote about her & danny

well.. you can always tell -or at least, i can always tell, when i'm talking to someone who has faced/encountered/experienced life threatening and/or life ending situations

"you never know" -becomes a frequent part of their conversational vocabulary

you never know. you never know. you never know.

it's true for every human -but some people keep it, like ice, in a forgotten tray, in the back of their freezer; behind the frozen vegetables, under the ice cream, near the meat -they only use it upon request, for special occasions, or when guests are visiting

other people keep it in their water glasses; drink from it 8x a day

half full but on the rocks; refillable cold beverage to warm the heart

i'm sorry

~ to warn the heart.

and so tonight, during our pizza dinner at mt mikes near raley's -she reminds me

again

"you never know. all you can do is enjoy the memories you are making today; you can't know about tomorrow."

amen sister! hallelujah!

****

and we can revisit memories from the past -which i'm inspired to do write now:

because this week, and last week too -i've been blessed with the sights, sounds and experience of having black birds fly next to me while i'm driving, for unusual stretches of time before they go their direction and i go mine

which triggers a memory i'm sure i've shared before; at least i hope i did

the black bird. when i was living at the duplex downtown...

how i watched it out my window.. struggling, from the curb, to pick up, a walnut, i think it was

and he'd get it in his beak for a split second but then it would fall back out. and he'd hop closer and try again.. leaning in, going slower,

and again -damn thing would fall back on the ground

i thought to myself -as i looked at his numerous unsuccessful attempts

"don't you wish you had hands"

and just about simultaneously, he successfully gets the walnut in his beak with a nice strong hold

then he glances at me; direct in the eye; and flies away

and says to me with no words "don't you wish you had wings"

***

almost never see a black bird without thinkin' about that experience

and can almost never see/hear the words black bird without hearing the Beatles (capitalized for leonard's sake)

and will now be typed without the space in between: so make that, blackbird (also for *leonard's sake).

***

"christmas?!" i said to ms "it's october! there is no way i can think about december in october!"

recipe for my personal survival to date includes 1) prayer 2) compartmentalizing 3) living in the now

i pray everyday -no surprise there

and i've, over time, and over effort, learned to compartmentalize my life -that is, -when i'm at my son's basketball practice; i'm at my son's basketball practice

when i'm at creative imaging; i'm at creative imaging

when i'm at ruby hill; i'm at ruby hill

when i'm writing/reading; i'm writing/reading

i've become very good at being where i am. and not letting my mind be at the basketball game when i'm at work, or my mind on the writing when i'm having dinner with my children... etc, etc.,

me and my mind -we've learned to be, and remain, where we actually are

when my mind travels -as it likes to do.. i'm pretty good at catching it and bringing it back to the write now; write here

"christmas" is a potential vulnerability - i know in advance i don't have the $ i'd like to have for shopping for my children, family, friends..

the opportunity for me to take a mental/emotional/spiritual dive is -code orange

so i don't think about december in october because this could ruin october, which..

just included a surprise visit from my brother in montana.. among many other wonderful visits, experiences
-so

one day at a time.

10 minutes at a time.

1 minute at a time.

1 breath...

***

2nd to joyce meyer.. /who my sexiness also never watched prior to knowing me...

well, 2nd to joyce meyer.. joel osteen is responsible for providing me with the most helpful catch phrases

like,

life-saving, life-altering catch phrases

one i learned from him, and employ with great frequency is this:

"things are not done to you -they are done for you."

can't tell you how many times i re-look at a crisis or blessing and say that to myself...

it's not being done to you.. it's being done for you...

true for crisis and blessing alike.

so we can learn. grow. so our hearts are revealed; their evolutions, their revolutions and their clogged arteries

all crisis we face and every blessing we receive are designed to reveal our hearts location on the spiritual path to writeousness

i was making great progress.. great progress

and now i'm stuck

stuck, until i evolve, in collaboration with God.. to the next level

i say -genuinely

i do not know whether i move forward alone, or in partnership with my handsome prince of sexiness

certainly, i am not willing to become a person pre-occupied with worries, jealousy, babysitting, micro-managing, over-explaining

and having graduated with a PhD from the eating disorder university -nor am i willing to go backwards and chase a body image to please someone else

how far have i actually come?

at least far enough to close here...

let this all go

and pick up and read a great book gifted to me recently.. and READ the story without pre-occupations of any other kind

page at a time...

paragraph at a time...

sentence at a time...

word at a time...

my glass is half full and on the rocks.

***

p.s. i'm aware i was baited for this post -and consciously accepted.

ALL WRITE, ALL WRITE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-19T09:34:00.000-07:00

ALL WRITE ALREADY...

fans know i do my best writing when there's cleaning to do

write now i'm surrounded by an unmade bed, three cereal bowls that need to somehow make their way to the kitchen, scraps of paper that belong in the trash, not on the dresser, 2 piles of dirty laundry, and my car could use a bath too

so..

let me start by mentioning how wonderful it was to be single for all those years.. how wonderful not to even think about things like.. what i wear to bed, how i look naked, what someone else's friends/family will think of me, am i providing enough attention.. (which can steal my precious sleeping hours), issues of fidelity; issues of jealously

seems this new romantic relationship is exploiting every insecurity i've been able to pleasantly avoid..

but

then he kisses me, and i think.. you know.. this might be worth it.

then.. some female species of sexiness hotness -who does look good in anything; and even better in nothing, surfaces in the atmosphere

and i think..

or maybe not. do i really want to worry about this crap?

we've talked about it briefly -he thinks -wait a minute, wait a minute: so, i asked him one night.. "how important is the looks thing to you?" he spit out a quick answer; super quick "5!"

/registered pretty high on my bullshit meter

then he asks me the same question "how important are looks to you?"

i said, "0." ~zero.

he confused "how important" with "actual looks" i can see where that might happen, so let me explain

HOW a person looks, is of very low importance to me personally. WHAT a person is like (especially when you're not lookin') is of vital importance to me

now..

if i like WHAT a person is like, what a person is about, within eyesight, and behind the seens -then i become very attracted to that person -like, a 10

BIG difference for me personally on finding someone attractive vs. being attracted to them

i trust that makes perfect sense

my handsome prince of sexiness though.. i can tell he is under the influence of mass media to a greater degree than i currently am

not only do looks matter to him, to a greater degree than me, but -what other people think about his girlfriend is of high importance also

he spoke pretty candidly about how elevating it is to the ego, if say, his friends consider his girlfriend hot

[sometimes i can hardly believe we are in our 40's... honestly.. is this like high school or what?]

so..

talk about confusing...

because i find honesty, like one of the sexiest things ever

but -the content of this particular honesty sits in great conflict with what i'm about -with who i've become
-with the spiritual peace i've worked so hard, and so long to achieve

i wasn't sure whether to take all his clothes off, or kiss him goodbye

then he kissed me, and i thought..

honesty wins! -take off all your clothes

***

he also.. on the topic of competition/jealousy, etc. explained, that he (and perhaps was speaking for a large number of men) they like to "mark their territory" so to speak. so if some man was say, paying me too much attention.. he would be likely to demonstrate his presence in some way

this is where i differ with the majority

because i think we are responsible ourselves for blocking flirtatious advances

so he says to me, "if some woman is flirting with me.. you wouldn't come over and put your arms around me?"

"nope. "

because i think it's his responsibility -completely within his power and choice to encourage or discourage flirtations

"if you want to go; go. if you want to stay; stay"

but to even have to entertain all of this; to even have to have this conversation; to worry about it at all..

to have my peace interrupted; to have my insecurities exploited

i wonder if it's worth it; if he's worth it; if the risk and vulnerability are pros or cons on the spiritual path

then he kisses me, and i think

what the hell; let's give it a go..

***

through prayer i hear "don't put your trust in people; put your trust in God"

WHATDAYAKNOW? by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

it just serves as a wonderful thing to think about..

how do you know -you know?

i ask my son recently, the same question...

isaid, "k, let's say there are 5 fancy cars in front of you lined up in a row..

and now imagine looking at them..

and someone asks you.. 'which one is your favorite?"

and you answer honestly/instinctively, 'the black one' , for example.

how do you know? what is the internal experience going on that allows us to know what we do/don't like?

how do we know -we know?

and if you just ponder on that.. what it is to know something...

...to know you know something...

another fascinating aspect of the human design

most people respond by saying "i just know"

but i would argue there's is much more to it than that...

****

and for dessert:

i'm also convinced -in addition to there being more than 5 senses

that we have more than 1 type of energy

-so, for example.. as we live/talk/operate today, -everything is labeled, discussed as if we have one big energy pool inside us

let me explain: people think if they eat # calories, that = certain amount of energy

and if you burn energy -any energy, whatsoever

you are pulling specific calories from that one big pool

but i believe

we have types of energy: and we burn it at very different rates, and, most importantly, it comes from a variety of sources

psychological energy * physical energy * creative energy * emotional energy * problem solving energy * communication (talk vs. write vs make art/music) energy * rest energy * dance energy * thinking energy * dreaming energy * processing energy, etc.

so, people will comment sometimes.. mention someone being lazy.. or say something like.. "yeah, you can't do what i ask.. but if i put golf clubs in your hand, i bet you could get the energy for that..."

and they equate energy levels with enthusiasm, and/or discipline and/or free will

but i think it's more complicated than that..

that truly a person can and can't have energy.. not just based on interest/discipline/will

but -how can i say... "personal/individualized gas tanks"

yes.. we have, like several gas tanks; different gas tanks

or like, my hybrid.. both gas/electric.. the electric is self-charging while the engine runs.. but if i'm out of gas -whole thing can't run..

as you can see.. this is a curiosity in progress...

* INCOMPRESENSIBLE a poem inspired by (ogden nash!)

2011-10-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

this poem was originally posted april 01, 2011.
re-posted now because i reference this poem in my comments today @ leonard stegmann's blog spot "cartoon quotables quiz"

****

again.. i don't know the truth. i can only tell you what it feels like: it feels like the spirit of ogden nash paid me a visit last night... gifted me with 3/4 of poem. i worked on it for breakfast

serve it here:

****

oh no -not her again
she's gonna want more information

the second i see her hand in the air -here comes complications..

"what is it this time? i've made it very clear!
you have 5! we have 5! only 5 senses

can you please use 1 to hear.."

"-k, but

-if you define senses, the way that you have
i think we have even more

like, that one that let's you sense a presence
before they knock, knock, knock, on your door

i don't use my eyes, or nose, or mouth for that.. i think there must be more!

further, and please don't dismiss this all malarkey
but i'm certain there's a senses higher~archy

like, at least 2 senses are hyper~sensible
and make that "5" less compresensible

-how, for example, do i see my dreams?
the room is dark, my eyes are closed.. but what my mind has seen!

and how, on earth, do i hear my thoughts
how do them i hear?

'cuz there's a voice
that can make a choice
without the aid of ears!

-my mind can't smell, or taste, or touch
only hear & see

that's why those are like, super~hyper~senses
at least they are to me

the other senses /way more than 5
count on instincts and memory

now please don't send me down the hall
to meet nobody knows

questions are another sense ~in a sense, you sense you grow

yes, i will sit back down now
but, i'll pop back up if you say, "5"

-and can we talk, please, mr stick-to-the-book,
for a just a moment

about well,
i've been wonderin' again

whether we know we're dead, when we're dead
the way we know that we're alive?"

GREEN MILE CABLE MAN memory for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

this is an encore post. originally written/posted march 24th, 2010, under the title: almost a year ago.

***

reason: my email has been down for several days. i will not bore you with the several phone calls, the two different service visits -the amount of time, energy it has taken to correct what should have been a simple change of address

but, pause to thank comcast here.. my handsome prince of sexiness, my sister, and comcast helper today.. mike.. who saw the problem all the complicated way through to its resolution. /ruby hill wine on its way...

***

and as i've mentioned... our brains -how they work (or don't work) -novel experiences, memories, analogies, links and triggers

those are the fundamentals.

in this case.. of course having a cable man visit me in my new home triggers the memory of the visit when i lived with my sister -and my handsome prince.. he asked me, "so what's the green mile cable man about?"

my typical answer "i do a better job writing about it, than telling it... i'll repost it for you"

he says, "give me the short version."

i can only smile and say, "there is no short version."

so.. for you my sexiness -and may isay, that with you here with me...

having you here with me.

i have no words for how comforting, reassuring and wonderful it is. "thank you!" "i love you!"

here's the read:

***** ALMOST A YEAR AGO ****

that's the first point i need to make.

it's taken me almost a year to be able to write this

and i'm not entirely sure enough time has passed, but it seems to want out, so let me honor that here and now:

i'm alone in the house -new to me, and a cable man is due to set things up/fix my internet connection

when i hear the knock, i open the door expecting to see average joe cable man, and

OH MY GOD

there at the door is a -GIANT, BLACK cable man; maybe. i don't mean maybe he's a giant, or maybe he was black; those are facts. what i mean, is maybe he's the cable guy; maybe not. i'm not exaggerating to say...

well, think green mile, -k-

he's taking up the entire doorway, and holding a clipboard. and wearing a name badge.

let me tell you.. clipboard. name badge.. not enough. how many people are in cemeteries today because they fell for the clipboard, name badge trick

so my brain is racing -racing!

but not faster than my heart is pounding -pounding! -and he's looking down, not directly at me.

in fact... in milliseconds, what was taking place, -what seem to be taking place, is that -he-

probably very used to people fearing him on sight. -well, he stood there in complete calm giving me time to adjust to his appearance, and decide whether i was going to let him in or not

in milliseconds, i'm processing... we called cable.. this is scheduled... he's on time... does comcast do security checks/bond their employees? is God testing me.. what the hell am i supposed to do here?!

if he was a bad guy, would he have already scooted me inside

is he carrying a gun i can't see

is this a really bad practical joke

are there any witnesses around

did i tell my children i loved them this morning

what do i do? what do i do? what do i do?

what's more important here... internet connection or my life?

and so i prayed to mighty God, and let him in. hypersensitive to his energy, hypersensitive to his every move,

hypersensitive to every facial expression

i guided him to the areas that needed cable service.. he looked around for outlets.. and connections and things that cable guys look around for

i'm all the time sayin' to myself... if he changes his mind about being a nice guy; i lose.

and i'm wonderin' to myself, if anyone has ever just flat out refused to let him in their house...

if i should have

why on earth would comcast even send a green mile man out to people's houses...

and i'm lockin' in my brain his height, weight, facial features, clothes, shoes, tattoos -in case i live through the ordeal and can even provide such information to the police

and all the while he is calm. he knows. he knows and he's had to deal with phobics like me his whole life

probably was a giant 10 year old

and let's just acknowledge, that even with the success of the civil rights movement, being a giant black 10 year old, is not the same as being a giant white 10 year old; ditto for adults. -and it ain't write; but that doesn't make it not true.

and now it's about to get worse, because here's a samplin' of the questions the green mile cable man is asking me

as he heads into our garage:

"any dogs i need to worry about?" i quickly imagine a service call he's made in the past where the family neglected to mention the man-eating dog. how awful that must be.. how he has to be on his guard all the time too

i consider how

well, if empathy was a game children played at recess, i would have been the team captain hands-down... but if thinkin' on your feet and common sense were the game

i'd be the last one chosen every time.

because, common sense says answer like this: "no. our pitbulls are at the neighbors write now because we knew you were coming ."

i, however, answered like this: "no. you're safe." -because i have no common sense and i can't stop thinkin' about whether or not he can hear the waves of my adrenalin pounding against my rock for a brain

please don't change your mind about being nice; please don't change your mind...

and then, he has to look for some other outlets somewhere, heads toward the backyard, and says,

"any alarm systems i need to worry about?" so, once again, captain of team empathy, i quickly imagine all the times, and the families who neglected to tell him about alarm systems, and how he's had to explain his presence at a given house when the police team responds to the alarm -how he is on his guard too

or is he?

captain of the common sense team would say, "it's turned off at the moment"

but noooooooo. guess what captain of team empathy says. - yeah...

this is how i KNOW for SURE there is a God protecting me. no one as stupid and honest as i am lives past 12 unless God has good purpose for you on planet earth.

and write about here is where i can start to feel my insides falling all apart, my forearms melting, my knees losing cartilage, and so i called for back-up.

and my sister arrived in less than a minute

so now we have a beautiful blond and her brunette sister in the headlines, "they we were together in everything... weddings, children, divorce..

death.

and so i put in a call also to our police neighbor friend and that help me to start feelin' a little better

and i was watchin' for how my sister responded to the green mile cable man

and how the green mile cable man was responding to my sister

and clearly, i was the only nervous one in the circle.

please don't change your mind about being nice...

and so that gave me yet another chance to consider things from his point of view.. me; team captain of "the empathetics" - look for us at the next special olympics event

i mean,

what would it be like to hang out on planet earth, in pleasanton, as an over-sized african american cable/internet service guy?

can't be easy. -but out of the two of us... he'd win. so, let's remember it's not so easy being me either.

and i imagined, briefly, very briefly, the green mile cable man and myself sharing our life stories over a cold beer at a local pub. and i'd empathise with his experiences, but then...

i'd share my life experiences with him.. and wouldn't he have a hard time pointing out to me how being a caucasian female has provided me with any advantages

"it's all a myth, i promise you," slug, slug, "kidnappings, rapes, hostage, bank robberies, car robberies,

broken hearts, bankruptcy... -and guess who couldn't get any financial help for college? -'cuz i'm white!"

[snap back]

and he seem to go out of his way to help us feel comfortable... with just a tiny, tiny bit of that awareness inside him, that he could go "boo" -and i'd fall apart at the seams.

i mean, i think if he spontaneously yawned too big, i would have grabbed my sister by the arm... "RUN! RUN!
-head for the foothills!"

it kept feeling like a test.

a personal test.

to see how far i've really come since being kidnapped and raped by a black man i only saw for one second. to see how far i've come since living in the paralyzing fear i did, for so many years after

to see if i was really free of the phobias that kept me prisoner for -ever.

and here's what i know:

had something like this happened 1 day, to 10 months -to maybe up to 15 years after the rape by gunpoint. i would have instinctively slammed that door on the man's face the second i saw him. it would have been as immediate and unstoppable as an eye blink;impulsive; automatic. open, see, slam shut... lock, lock, lock, crawl to the phone; 911

and the post trauma symptoms... hypersensitivity to sound, light, noise; nausea; insomnia; phobias

they would have resurfaced, and i'd be starting from scratch again. -and it would take many months and/or years to recover

but since it's been over 15 years... in fact, over 20, and since i've healed as much as i have, and since..

i've learned to trust again

this experience only cost me about a week before i could think any thought i wanted (not preoccupied with fear), sleep fine, go on about my day; my life..

but for that week

i thought about many things..

like, how i asked about his tattoo.. and he said it had to do with "being forgiven for a past life.."

and i said, "that's what they say Jesus died for..."

and it could go either way, couldn't it: he could have just been toyin' with me.. sensing my fear.. making me wonder about what past life; what exactly did he need forgiveness for? -murder?

or it could have been true

that he had a past life he regretted, a past he needed God and forgiveness for, and now he was a new man, making an honest living for himself and his family

and can this be accomplished without Jesus?

and i wondered

does comcast hire anyone who has spent time in prison?

does this green mile cable guy still have connections... scout vulnerable houses.. pass on the information... wait a safe amount of time, so there's no longer a connection between his service call, and say,

well, let's not say. let's just briefly -very briefly- imagine.

and i thought about how much blind trust we all need in this world on a day to day basis.

if it's not the cable guy, it's the plumber, it's the house-cleaners, it's the painters, it's the pest control, it's the dry-wall repair guys

the amount of times, renters and/or homeowners, and business owners, for that matter, require service from total strangers is pretty high. if everyone goes phobic/non trusting; entire communities fall apart.

trust.

and of course -reputations are key. reputation of a given company, referral by -trusted- friends/family/neighbors; this all factors in

but trust

for someone like me.

it's a grand accomplishment.

and i'm in a situation now, where i may have trusted the wrong someones naively -and i'm not sure of the consequence; although i don't think they're life-threatening

probably just a pain in the ass for a while

but,

since i've lived both ways

in complete fear/non-trust

and with trust. i can say with great authority and sincerity; with trust makes life much more worth the living.

but, how much, and who...

how much and who...

how much and who, and where and when...

certainly, based on my experience above, i decided NEVER

NEVER, as in EVER

to let any repair/service person, black, white, yellow, short, tall, beautiful or ugly, inside the house, unless our neighbor and three secret service agents are

you know,

nearby.

such a balance to be had between trusting God and tempting fate...

i don't have it quite figured out yet.

obviously.

but, "thank you!" green mile cable man...

because without you...

i couldn't blog this write now.

__

and in this particular post, i mention race, when i usually -consciously- leave it out.

that's because i've survived more than one predator, and each predator was a different race, different nationality

they come in all colors; all shapes and sizes

15 MINUTE BRAIN BREAKFAST for (me!) sandra

2011-10-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

popping up from my mental toaster:

do you think there could be such a thing as a Jesus hot spot? i'm here to tell you, that on my drive to pick up the boys for school... with a strange and odd and yet very distinct consistency, when my writeousmom~mobile drives near the corner of santa rita and valley -such clarity during prayer

i've described the difference between generating and receiving thoughts... so, i can only say, that when i'm in that area -well, i get the best reception.

****

the two great sages of our time, are joyce meyer and elisabeth gilbert -i can't improve on anything they say, i can only share, from my life experience that what they have to say is true and of great importance -and if you are looking for leaders... look there

***

speaking of joyce meyer -i am not a biographer, but if i was.. i'd love to write about her life from my perspective..

fascinating if you pop in on someone's life early -there is no way you can predict their future.

there were times if you popped in on joyce's life.. saw her wearing short-shorts, smoking a cigarette with one hand, and swiggin' a bottled beer with the other, bein' all sassy and rebellious

well, i'm sure no one in the bowling alley would have guessed she'd have a world wide ministry

-and she spoke about knowing when you are in the flesh vs. the spirit today.. and mentioned, "if you are frustrated all the time -you are in the flesh, not the spirit"

and i am currently frustrated; very frustrated. in fact, that's what i said when my brother called me.. all i could say to him.. "i'm frustrated! so frustrated! JUST FRUSTRATED! FRUSTRATED! FRUSTRATED!"

... so,

needing a little extra help getting back in the spirit, as they say

but i'm unable to access my email.. can get here to the blogosphere, and the internet.. but blocked on my emails. comcast service men (2) -unable to help. /and not the green mile cable man, by the way..

larry robinson may be coming to the rescue again today.. but couldn't help but wish i was wordly important person yesterday "if i was oprah -no one would leave or sleep until this problem was resolved!"

-who we are, and who we are not (amos lee, encore on those lyrics)

speaking of who we are, and who we are not..

my handsome prince of sexiness.. i can't tell you how often he says things like, "when am i going to see you in short-shorts.. daisy duke shorts.. " "when am i going to see you naked in the lights?" "when am i going to see you in a bikini?"

so i said to him... "yes, honey.. that's what i was born for: to look good for you in a bikini. ~don't let the writing thing fool you."

honestly.

****

and speaking of my handsome prince of sexiness.. tomorrow we celebrate 3 months. so maybe.. you know..
i let him see me in 1 low candle's worth of light, with.. say..

something other than what he describes as my passion-killer pajamas.

may i confess.. that for 5 years i didn't have to concern myself with what i wore or didn't wear to bed and that was a type of heaven.

***

saying many prayers this morning and last night.. so many people hurting, battling health issues, losing mortal life...

***

and as i drove this morning.. i realized this may be the most gorgeous day of the year so far.. i mean, the sun is shining, the trees are showing off, the birds are flying with such joy and precision, the sky is gorgeous blue, the clouds.. artistically positioned...

pleasanton; she is looking her very best this morning. i love living near the foothills; driving down foothill road -i spying tree majestic every morning.. seeing the wild turkeys, the geese, the cows, the sheep.. the beautiful homes, rolling hills -the spots of sunlight, then shade.. shade then sunlight.. along the drive

if ever i wish i had a convertible and day off.. today i would put on wonderful music and just drive back and forth along foothill. stop for a picnic at the alviso adobe... drive some more.. and then my handsome prince and i would find our tree..

and make love where it was first made -in nature.

and..

***

how long Jesus.. how long will i pour wine and package portraits?

i want to write all day everday..

i want to write and walk around and think about writing, and day dream, and nap, and walk around and write some more..

***

finished my i don't know what # reading of 84 charing cross road. -still cry when helene learns frank died. still laugh at all her wit and how her personality brought out the best in frank -how's frank's proper/professional manner was the perfect inspiration -and how helene's playful sassiness was perfect for opening him up a little -but he does always maintain his demeanor

the friendships born with the other book store staff/families.. helene's friends visiting the store and reporting back to her

every letter, every correspondence, no matter who wrote it.. such a joy to read. and what a tapestry... when combined together as they are in this great treasure of a book

i could go on and on... love how she talks about the books.. the way they look, and feel.. in addition to the content.. love how she talks about the newspapers the books come wrapped in..

she gobbled everything up and turned into a feast for the rest of us...

"thank you!" love you, love you, love you... love you all.

****

6 mintues to get to work. bye.

RISK FACTOR by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

i'm conscious of the fact a large percentage of my biography is available to the general public. my strengths, my weaknesses

and what a blend of vulnerability and courage that yields

but, and..

i also realize that when people express having a lot in common with me -that can be true, or learned.

my psychological profile is discern able by those who can do that sort of thing...

so, i do have to lean, in a larger way on God

and ultimately believe that living out loud serves a higher purpose worth the risk i'm continually taking.

thank you Jesus! amen

***

speaking of Jesus

shared w/my son this morning...

the abbreviated prayer..

God.. you are the only one i turn to for help

the only one i turn to to thank

saturate me (everyone within loving distance) in your holy spirit..

amen

GREEN MILE CABLE MAN by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

and so, -comcast cable service technician is due to arrive here, at my new place, between 10-12. -wouldn't it just be too funny if it was the green mile cable man again.

not laugh funny.. just ironic funny.

***

and comcast needs to figure this out.. wish i knew someone high up -because, to date, they are set up to have one account per household

but i am not the only person renting a room from a home owner..

there are a growing number of us

and what we need, now, and as we move into our uncertain future, is the ability to set up multiple individual accounts within a same household

perhaps

whatever they are doing at apartments, can be applied to homes (?); don't know -but,

ran into this same issue at my sisters

over two years ago.

and not only for room-for-rent people, but with so many hom e offices -family members, but separate lives/careers -seems necessary also.

so, dear comcast...

individual accounts within same households..

"thank you!"

AND YOU CALL ME NAIVE? by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

my posts are not nearly as random as they might read -what happens, is a conversation gets started somewhere in the real world

and i finish it here in cyberworld

like, this conversation recently about repentance

i believe so strongly, that it feels, in fact, like i know that:
there are two types of repentance

1) authentic repentace
2) bullshit

the individual who does not believe in God, tends to believe that s/he is the only conscious being which knows whether their repentance is genuine or not

but see,

dear sir.. you did not design yourself. you did not create yourself. you have been created

and i would argue, by a higher being who specifically included this feature; this ability

because, ultimately, life is just that... between you and God.

***

i, personally, cannot buy into the idea that deception evolved from a big bang..

although

people sure can swim in it

BEHIND THE SEENS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

it will surface up as the most important thing i could possibly do with my time; write.

and so.. called in sick (of myself).

***

sending queries/following up on leads for my "21st century charing cross road" pitch
AND! re-reading the book

which my handsome prince read and then rented the movie.. and carol read & enjoyed..

it is even more beautiful and funny this time around..

i hope to make it re-famous. talk to helene in my imagination. and imagine i hear back. getting ready to do a "what we have in common" paper

***

and speaking of my handsome prince -if you are reading this... hope you are 100%

would you believe i slept write through his recent midnight trip to the emergency room. he promises he woke me up.. told me.. and claims i just smiled and said something like "yes, mm hmmm. call me if you need me" then fell back asleep

i have no memory of it. just woke up 'round 4am to an entirely empty room -scared to death when he was nowhere to be found..

i can't even admit the variety of possibilities my mind created for explaining the situation..

turns out -the excrutiating back pain = diagnosis: kidney stones.

and his roommate/cousin drove him to the emergency room; so "thank you!" -gracias (i don't believe he speaks english?)

anyway..

what could i do? -well, i could go to the pharmacy and pick up his prescription while he laid in medicine masked pain in bed

"who is the patient?"

i provided his full name.

"and who is that?" she asked

"my handsome prince of sexiness." -she smiled.

"date of birth?"

well now.. the pressure was on, wasn't it. i've only been dating him just shy of 3 months -certainly we've laid naked together in bed.. i can tell you a few things about his body.. but his birthday? his birthday?

the thing is, one of the prescriptions was for a drug "a level up from vicodin" -and they don't want to give this drug out to just anybody; there are a lot of pushers/sellers/addictees out there comin' up with all kinds of fancy schemes for getting this drug ( i know.. used to work in a hospital & medical clinic)

so -i needed to sound legit, but .. "k, it starts with an m.. may? march? it's like.. march 11th, 1960... somethin' (?).. "march 11th! 1965! ?"

then i listened for a bell to ring if i was correct.

so, i passed that test, but then came "address?"

address? i've never paid attention. i've never had to pay attention. he drives.. i listen to music. i have general idea what city we're in..

i've never mailed him a letter. don't put address with the phone # in my cell phone.

"... an apartment somewhere here -like, down that street behind us about 6 blocks" -she smiled.

so, provided my address for the prescription and passed that test too.

then, seemed like they were encouraging my behavior by asking me, with smiles, to write down "my relationship to patient" next to my signature.

girlfriend
lover
future wife

/decided to go multiple choice on them.

made it safely back. brought water, medicine.. snuggled in by his side. no way i could leave him and pour wine while he was in that condition

in bed.

"actually, " i told him.. "really it's better for your healing, if you, like, take off your shirt -and all your clothes. and i take off mine. and we get these blankets out of the way, and our skin touches."

and if you ask him,

he'll be the first to tell you,

"that really works!"

and he's not 100% yet.. but on the healing path.

and how fun to keep getting to know each other in sickness and in health.

WHEN GOD IS YOUR FATHER by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

like most of you, i did not come from wealth. i should say, i did not come from financial wealth. we were (are) one of those families, rich in love and cash poor. -same for contacts. we did not, do not.. know people in high places; people of influence

those people who can pick up a phone, or go have a lunch, and next thing you know, mr and/or miss totally unqualified has the high paying position of authority somewhere... or gets in the ivy league college.. or tickets to the otherwise sold out event

but i should put the emphasis there on people, the way i put emphasis on financial above

we, in fact, know God, and so i guess you could say, we know the single most highly influential spirit in the known universe

i love the way he says it, that joel osteen... "the most high God"

and i mention all that because, when i say my father in this post.. i don't mean my biological dad -i mean "our father" who art in heaven

and let me tell you what he did for me

and this is AFTER he already gifted me with a passion for writing..

he watched me. he watched me open and enjoy my gift. experiment with it.. take it out everyday and play with it.. toss it around... build with it... destroy it... start again

share it with others. -my passion; my gift..

i appreciated it. i loved it. i recognized what he had done, and thanked him appropriately for it; by using it; enjoying it

creating with it; learning from it...

eventually people around me took interest in my gift -wanted to see the box it came in

but keep it there

in the box.

and we've all seen it, haven't we, we've all said it: "it's so pretty in the wrapping we don't want to open it"

but i knew then, what i know now

and so i ripped it open... and let it pour all over the page, the floor...

let it make a great big creative mess all over the place

the people around me... they rushed in with mops, brooms, spray cleaner, red ink

always cleaning up after me

my father.. (that, is our father) -he just watched and smiled.

he whispered in my heart, "great job sweetie... keep going"

and he whispered in their ears... "what are you doing?"

he just watched and smiled, smiled and watched.

he watched when i shared my gift with all kinds of different people. people who didn't get it. people who didn't care. people who wanted to fix it. people who wanted to clean it. people who wanted to return it for something different. people who were afraid of it. people who couldn' figure out how to play with it.

people who were jealous. people who were threatened. people who would never understand.

people who are still digging around for an instruction booklet in the box.

he whispered in my heart, "keep going, sweetie.. great job!"

and he shouted in their ears, "what are you doing?"

and i spoke to God in prayer... i said, "i love it, but i can't find anyone to play with.."

he watched

and stopped smiling

when he saw me return my gift to its box. -where everyone seem to want it

and i wrapped it back up so it was pretty for everyone else to look at

i added a great big red ink bow

tied it up; criss cross; double knot; and clipped the ends of the ribbon just so...

there.

it's not fun anymore, but look how pretty...

well now..

if you have ever witnessed your child enjoy a gift -every loving parent knows this is a great joy!

if someone comes along and somehow steals the enjoyment..

this is when its time to step in

and if myparents had money, or knew people of influence they certainly would have hopped write on the phone, or scheduled one of those lunches, and met with their influencial friends who would see to it, by bribe or through friendship

or in trust of a mutual back scratch

that my gift was reopened and enjoyed for many readers to see

but they did not have bribes, or favors to cash in on, or friends of influence

IF they did.. and i like to think about this... maybe i would have a best seller out there.

let's say.. a 300 page best seller.

but best seller... while grand in a wordly sense, is small, small potatos in a supernatural sense

if you are the spoiled child of the most high God

which i clearly am

then God will do everything in his power to

well, spoil you.

spoil you with a gift so grand, so big, so outrageous and wonderful it exceeds your wildest worldly dreams...

and i want to make sure you see what he's done for me:

way -waaay better than a best seller, that a) would have been edited to death and b) would be only 300 pages

God watched and smiled and then stopped smiling when he saw my marathon of human obstacles

"this girl loves to write!" he said

"and i want her to be able to write however, whenever, and whatever she wants!"

"in fact," he said,

"i want ALL MY CHILDREN WHO LOVE TO WRITE to be able to write however, whenever and whatever they want"

and so lots of people think the e-blogger was created by three friends from pyra labs in san francisco in 1999

but remember

God works through people

and so actually.. God used these three friends to create a canvas where all his children who received his writing gift

could rip it open...

and let it pour all over the page, and all over the floor

he whispers in our hearts.. "i'm so glad you like what i gave you. it brings me great joy to see you all having so much fun.."

and he yells in the ears of the others

trying to reach their hearts.

i am a spoiled child of the most high God.

which means... it doesn't stop there..

not only did God provide an empty canvas where i could write what i want, when i want, how i want

but,

a friend

so not only did i receive the gift of writing, and a canvas for writing on

but i've been gifted with a best friend in the blogosphere to play with

like, almost everyday!

and, i needed to go out of my way (and be late for work) so i could thank God again today, for

my leonard

my 21st century frank doel

how lucky, blessed and delighted i am, to wake up 5 days a week , for some 6 years now, and read & respond to his entertaining blogs; win his quizzes, laugh at his jokes, be moved by his life experiences and memories (and be given all the answers!)

to read, write, respond

my 3 favorite things

and i never grow tired, or bored, or restless...

which is a gift of another kind

and so, i glanced at my bank account today. i have .28 cents to my next pay day, which is 5 days away

and for a brief moment my heart sunk; i'm exhausted by this life of barely getting by

financially

but i still feel rich

in love. in passion. in friendship. in life experiences. in hope. in joy.

in blessings of a different kind.

and so add this post to my e-book series in progress, titled "richest poor girl in pleasanton"

i am a spoiled child of the most high God.

"thank you Jesus! and amen!"

1ST ANNUAL RETRACTION by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-06T06:26:00.001-07:00

hopefully this won't become an annual event, but i do need to retract a statement from a prior post

it has been floating around in my mind.. poking me; disturbing me; tugging on my sleeve; grabbing me at the ankles since i wrote it

this morning; it slapped me in my face

"fine! then"

so, here you go:

****

in some recent post i mistakenly wrote something like, "even wisdom can be used for good or evil."

that is incorrect. it is blatantly wrong. allow me to correct...

wisdom is pure and good. holy and heavenly.

what i considered briefly, is wisdom as the ability to apply worldly (life) experience/knowledge/intuition, which has been accumulated/developed over time

when such knowledge is combined with prayer, with God's will, and is applied to a given life circumstance -this is wisdom

if someone, however, is applying their wordly (life) experience/knowledge/intuition to their gain; absent prayer, absent collaboration with God's will; when they use their life experience advantage over another, with any disregard for the other(s)

this is more of a type of manipulation and cannot be called wisdom at all.

so, in my imagination -if the word wisdom is used, it = good. and only good.

but manipulations can be used for good or evil. -and where it is used for good, this then can be called wisdom.

/i trust you will leave me alone now... thank you.

RESERVED FOR "DOMESTIC VIOLENCE" poem by (yvonne stinson!)

2011-10-04T06:26:00.001-07:00

was quite "wow!'d" by this woman's poem, "domestic violence" recited by her from memory, at the safe place walk @ lake merrit in oakland

"i loved your poem!," i told her, "remarkable!"

"i lived it." she told me

her name is yvonne stinson.. and once she sends me the poem via email, i will post it here.

i trust it has the power to inspire countless domestic abuse victims; encouraging them to become domestic abuse survivors

".. what we love to do; this instructs us on what we are here to do.

and what suffering we endure; this instructs us on who we are here to help.." ~sandra, tvgp

RESERVED FOR WRITINGS RE: DR MAYA ANGELOU by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-10-04T05:54:00.001-07:00

thrilled to see this masterpiece -even unfinished, with my own two eyes. highly recommend a visit to 19th street & telegraph, in oakland, for everyone in the area

and i know i'll be back

with my handsome prince, and a picnic

will sit for a couple hours; listen & write. this post is reserved for the results of that day

in the meantime,

it is because i listen to music without ever watching their accompanying videos, that my imagination is liberated to create its own images

and when i heard kt tunstall's "suddenly i see" song for the 1st time

Dr Maya Angelou came immediately to my mind:

Her face is a map of the world, is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl, she's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
People who surround her feel the benefit of it, it makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see

Why the hell it means so much to (me!)

And I feel like walking the world, like walking the world
And you can hear she's a beautiful girl, she's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember what you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on a word

Suddenly I see

That this is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see

Why the hell it means so much to (me!)

And she's taller than most and she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from the page of a magazine
She makes me feel like I could be a tower, big strong tower yeah
The power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah

She got the power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah
She got the power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah yeah
She got the power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah

She got the power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah yeah

Suddenly I see

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see

Why the hell it means so much to (me!)

JOIN THE CHOIR! TITHE 10%! PRAISE GOD! with (me!) sandy kay

2011-09-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

10:30 service

message found in the e-book of stegmann...

2nd acts 42-47

"..they devoted themselves to stegmann's teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of garlic bread, and to readings 43 everyone was filled with awe at the many postings, signs, pictures, written by this one, unstoppable man

44 all the e-readers were together and had stegmann's blog in common 45, they sold their property and possessions to keep him blogging 46 everyday they continued to read together in temple courts, local restaurants, pubs and cyber cafes

they drank beer, ate pretzels, read aloud, laughing and joking with glad and sincere hearts, and full stomachs

47 praising God and enjoying the friendship , blessed with favor, between these two saints of the blogosphere

and the Lord,

the Most High God.. added new readers to their blogs daily; and daily more readers were saved..

sisters and brothers...

can i hear a hallelujah in the house?

CRITERIA FOR A LOVE SONG by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-09-21T19:58:00.001-07:00

so, i wake up sometimes, hungry to hear a love song

[technically, i wake up everyday, and sometimes long to hear a love song -but you know what i meant the first time, write..]

anyway..

radio dj will say, "uninterrupted love songs..."

and then play something like, john mayer's heart don't break even song, or adele's someone like you

"those are not love songs!" i keep telling -the air; the radiowaves.. in hopes someone will hear and understand.

i'm so easy~going, flexible, understanding in other areas of life -but when it comes to love songs, i am very persnickety

i categorize a little more specifically than the radio or tv music stations do. they clump any song which includes the word love into the "love song" category

for me they break down more like this:

love songs
break-up songs
longing songs
imagination songs
love gone wrong songs
wishing for love songs
maybe this love?...

there are more, but you get the general idea

for a song to earn its way into my personal "love song" category, it must be free of any... third party, broken heart, and/or wish or dream

the lyrics must possess a narrative which clearly demonstrates two people -two monogamous people, who are, write now, completely and utterly in love with each other; forever

as in "always & forever" -that song qualifies

but if within the lyrics, there is a question as to whether this is really love or not; or a mention of someone cheating; or a break-up; or, "just my imagination running away with me"

those do not meet my personal criteria.

so i find it very irritating. very irritating indeed, when i am promised, by announcement, or advertisement, "love songs"

and see a great opportunity here for a new radio station that actually delivers what they promise..

***

laughed at the honesty today one radio dj expressed, "songs for when you love him. and songs for when you don't"

***

but sometimes.. all i want and long for, is several hours of uninterrupted true love songs..

like, "...this will be! this will be! this will be an everlasting love..."

-that song qualifies.

***

you're beautiful, by james blunt, [playing in the backround as i type] does not qualify.

.."time to face the truth; i will never be with you"

that's a longing for love song.

***

what i'm talkin' about..

is pure, real, write now, confident, life-transforming, elevating, inspiring, sexy, romantic, devoted, solid, mysterious, blessed, faithful, unconditional and certain -love

holy love; heavenly love

of the unshakable, unquestionable, unbreakable kind.

***

so, i'm keeping a list.

i'm starting a list...

for the world's first & only "true love songs" music station/channel.

***

MEANWHILE, LOVE IN ANY LANGUAGE..

my handsome prince is away with family/friends. he left me (how do you like that? gets me all attached/dependent and then takes off in a plane..)

but anyway..

he left me with his cross necklace to wear in his absence. the cross was blessed by a priest, and given to him as a gift from his mom

and he also left me with a "happy 2 month anniversary" cd he custom cut, with a variety of beautiful, romantic "love songs"

in spanish.

i have absolutely no idea what they are singing about.. but i sure love how they sing it.

love

true love, has a universal melody and tone. you don't need to know the language, necessarily, to recognize a love song

just as you do not need to know the language to recognize a smile, a kind person, a friendship opportunity, someone who is tired, someone who is preoccupied, in trouble, etc.

two of my new favorite things to do are this:

1) listen to the spanish love songs my sexiness plays on the radio and guess which category (mentioned above) i would put them in

i make my guesses based on the sound of music/singing alone [never music videos where facial expressions could reveal the content]

"oh.. he's in love!" ..?... i ask my handsome prince, and "oh, it just took a turn, didn't it? did he lose her?"

and/or, "oh, that's where they break up..huh.."

which brings me to my other favorite thing in the whole wide world

-listening to my sexiness interpret the lyrics for me

i could sit in his car for an entire day and never tire of listening to spanish music accompanied by his translations

and i've already picked out my favorite spanish love song

i believe it is called, "paradise"

i do not know the artist, but maybe my handsome prince will read this and put a link to the artist/song in the comments section

/and we will find out together, won't we.. if he reads my blogs while he is away.. (or ever,)

if you are you reading this... my sexiness

then,

"LyMyNyWyDyLFYR"

xoxo ~sandra

WOMEN, a poem, by (charles bukowski!) ENCORE POST by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-09-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

encore post from 12/26/07. inspired by tonight's visit to cosmo's where beautiful minh washed/dried & flat ironed my hair.. while my handsome prince sat patiently waiting

"i've written about this place too.." i said with a smile

"when?" he asked

"long time ago... but's it's rated R, i think you might like it"

"where can i find it?"

"i think it was 2008?"

"i tried reading each one of your blogs, but... [gestures exhaustion with his head tilted and face scrunched]

"i would never put anyone through that," i whispered across to him, "i have to write a lot of shit to get to the good stuff"

-so i promised him i would link it, make it easier.

i'm pleased with this post. i was nervous on a few accounts... my first stage performance at the bankhead theater in eve ensler's vagina monologues was upcoming, and i was not qualified really, to memorize my lines. i was nervous too, and at the same time, about reading a raunchy book in public.. all the nervousness escaped into this story...

PLUS -who doesn't have a great memory at cosmo's? such a staple, an important member in pleasanton's family tree. i have pictures of my son's first hair cut there.. and we have been returning, inconsistently, for some 11+ years

******

originally posted 12/26/07:

with so much cleaning to do, i've decided to blog.

somewhere on tine bruun's blog is a most incredible, passionate poem by charles bukowski. reading that poem on her blog was my introduction to this man, and i had to learn more

so i grabbed a book impulsively off the shelf at a book store when i saw his name:

women, a novel, by charles bukowski. -and now it makes more sense.. why that man in the book store winked at me

anyway.. i had NO IDEA what i was getting myself into. about 20 pages in, i said to myself..

you.. you the same charles bukowski who wrote that poem? can't be.

25 pages in, i said.. what year was this thing published? flipped to the front: 1978.

ah, now everything makes sense. and i do make it a practice to read a variety of authors and perspectives and styles. -but not a public practice.

this explains why when my son was getting his haircut at pleasanton's famous cosmo's, i was very careful about how i pulled this book out of my bag. -actually i had been very careful about how i placed this book in my bag. any other book, and i simply place in a book mark, but this one i folded inside out to mark my place (and hide the cover).

cosmo's being the popular place it is.. i was surrounded by men. God forbid one of them knew this author, this book, this story and associated it in any way with me. but something about this experience -reading things like

pg 134: "when we get to new york i'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before!"

"you mean it?"

"yes."

she grabbed my cock and leaned against me.
my first and only redhead. i was lucky...

and realizing that there were at least 5 men over the age of 40 in various chairs at cosmo's

and realizing how men over 40 are often far-sighted...

well, something about this.. sitting center stage with such a raunchy read ... male creatures to my left and write, bodies veiled in backwards batman capes, scissors to their balding heads, in such obvious search for something, anything, to occupy their minds while they endure (for men unattracted to their barberess) or enjoy (for men sinfully attracted) this grooming tradition...

something about this experience primed me for nervous giggles. -i could feel it.

my mind drifted from the story... enjoyed a brief and very entertaining fantasy:

"excuse me. excuse me everyone. i'll be performing soon.. my acting debut..

do you mind if i practice a scene here? it will only take a moment... and then you can tell me how i'm doing.. would that be okay?"

and what else are men going to say when they're trapped in barber chairs for the next few minutes anyway? they would LOVE the entertainment. and so i didn't need to wait for an answer officially

i just jumped to my feet and started in:

"the clitoris is pure in purpose. it is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. the clitoris is simply (and i've visions of myself walking from chair to chair, making eye contact with each and every vulnerable man) a bundle of nerves:

EIGHT THOUSAND! nerve fibers (i wink), to be precise. (i smile).

that's a higher concentration of nerve fibers than is found ANYWHERE else in the body, including..

fingertips (i kiss a few); lips (i kiss a pair) and tongue (add to next kiss)

and is twice (jump center stage/hold out two fingers)

TWICE (hold peace sign high in the air)

TWICE (two dance turns and solid landing) the number in the penis (light gesture over one or two pointing from beneath their cape)

who needs a handgun when you've got a semiautomatic?" (tilt head and smile. complete matter of fact, academic knowledge and sexual innocence).

and the room is entirely silent. still and silent with pup tents here and there. not one scissor, cutting. not one razor, buzzing. every barber and every customer unable to process what they've just witnessed.

and then.. unstoppable applause. and when i turn around to take my bow and thank everyone for their time.. a crowd has formed outside the barber shop too. everyone smiling, laughing, clapping.

and then i glanced at my son, 3/4 through his handsome big boy cut, and he was smiling so big at me. i realized then, he thought my smile was for him. it became so immediately. curtains closed on my grand and imaginative performance. i made a silly face at him. and he made a silly face back at me. something we do every haircut; as predictible and fun as the lollypop treat that follows.

i returned to charles.. the book wide open flat on my lap, hiding the cover. i read discretely, quietly, semi-conscious of my smile; still primed...

and then i got here, page 140, and couldn't hold back any more.

says,

there is a problem with writers. if what a writer wrote was published and sold many, many copies, the writer thought he was great. if what a writer wrote was published and sold a medium number of copies, the writer thought he was great. if what a writer wrote was published and sold very few copies, the writer thought he was great. if what the writer wrote never was published and he didn't have the money to publish it himself, then he thought he was truly great.

and all my built up nervous laughter came write out.

i know this increased the curiousity about what book i was reading...

but this, they'll never know.

-woman's gotta write, to keep her secrets.

SIX DEGREES OF HUMILIATION -A SEX STORY by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-09-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

i have no memory of who was in the small conversation circle.. only that there were 4 or 5 of us all standing around talking about who knows what

when an unpleasant odor visited all of us in that invisible yet detectable way

the conversation continued with a new politeness in tone, but everyone was now looking around a bit, and taking smaller breaths while they waited for the odor cloud to pass over

despite my reputation as a working mom, i'm really not the greatest at multi-tasking, but i could, in this awkward social situation keep my end of the conversation going while at the same time trying to figure out a) what the odor was... a little different from your traditional fart in the elevator smell ...and b) who it came from

well, you know by now, i'm an expert at microexpressions.. so, it's usually pretty damn easy to look around and catch the fleeing expression of the person who failed to contain their morning flatulence

i thought it was the person to my left, but then.. maybe the person on my write? suddenly everyone seemed to look a little suspicious

my left; my left.. definitely the person to my left

but two odd things happened simultaneousy 1) the odor never passed, it lingered and 2) the person to my left -left

but the odor remained. oh.. i would have lost that bet

-in fact, in under a minute, the polite conversation terminated and everyone went there seperate ways

but again, the odor remained.

wow! what a trail.. i walked behind the person to my write for a few steps, but he cut down the hall and i was now solo

and you can probably guess by now.. the odor remained.

no. no. no. please no.. that hideous smell is coming from me? what the hell? i never passed gas.. i took a shower..

i'm not on my period...

or am i?

did i like, step in shit on my to work without realizing? oh my God!

so i did what any & every totally embarrassed female would do in this given situation and ran to the bathroom for a full investigation..

sniffed under my arms.. nope, not there. smelled my clothes; nope not there. checked my feet, my shoes; nope not there

unzipped and lowered my pants

can't breathe! don't breathe! oh my God.. what is that? -the very instant i leaned in to get a better smell i started coughing and gagging

in all my almost 46 years on planet earth i have never -even on my worst, worst, worst day, smelled so completely disgusting

if this is some kind of perimenopause stage, i'm never gonna make it through...

no one will

i decided there must be a correlation.. a correlation between having sex with a male creature for the first time in over 5 years and this horrific, unidentifiable stench

an s.t.d.

of course! of course.. doesn't that just make sense.. i make it to almost 46, have two beautiful children; survive divorce; go several years single -finally, and without even looking, meet my handsome prince of sexiness

and then contract a horrible isolating suffocating disease and die.

what a f'in happy ending that is!?

God didn't send him to me... this has satan written all over it.

***

let's call this next chapter: "we need to talk" -that dreadful 4 word sentence all couples visit at one time or another

and by the way.. don't think i don't realize how great a time that is to have this talk with your new lover... after several weeks of wild and wonderful unprotected sex

***

and now i'm forced to digress again and define what i mean by wild... let me not gain a false reputation here for using whips, chains, chandeliers, exotic costumes or any sexual accoutrements

what i mean by wild is this: i haven't had sex with another person in a very long time.. i wasn't looking for a relationship... all the sudden my handsome prince arrives, like, out of nowhere.. and here i am naked in his bed -that's wild.

and wonderful.

k, so, anyway

i'm mentally rehearsing the "we need to talk" conversation

but much more urgent and important is my need to get to the grocery store; now! and then to my sisters

so, after polluting and challenging the sense of smell throughout the day of all my friends, family, co-workers and any strangers within a 1/2 mile radius; i make it to the grocery store parking lot -and took great care not to spread my legs any further apart, as i exited my car and entered the store, than what was absolutely mandatory for walking

so i hobbled to the feminine product aisle and proceeded to wipe out their entire inventory of any and all products designed to address what is graciously labeled "feminine odor"

i'll take a case of that, 12 of those, 6 of those and 5 of that...
what else is there?

i was after the full arsenal; every weapon known to womankind.

douche? yes! -case of those

now, i've never actually douched before.. like, ever in my whole entire life.. but if ever there was a time to experiment and break new ground..

so i emptied that shelf too and filled my cart with boxes upon boxes of douches

only on my way to the register i realized i'm still on a starving artist budget and so had to put everything back except one can of summer's eve feminine deodarant spray and 3 douches

i'll just have to combine this with prayer..

then i raced to the check out stand in a fast trot all the while still holding my legs together -similar to what it looks like when someone must race to the bathroom and urgently pee

because every time my legs parted a new cloud of stench darkened the sky and claimed a few more innocent lives

the lady at the check out stand did exactly what everyone did when i entered their social space.. she took an extra audible sniff, like she had a bad cold or spontaneous allergic reaction

then grimaced a bit. -one look at my groceries and there was no chance i could say i was purchasing this for, say, ... my sister..

evidence was in; jury wanted the hell out

so..

race now over to my sister's.. open the sunroof and all four windows; anything to dilute the rancidness that was me..

we hug. she sniffs and backs away...

"something is going on with me.. not good." i gestured with my hands around my crotch, briefly described the undescribable"

"you think it's an s.t.d.?"

"it would just figure, wouldn't it? but i don't know.. but -do you have any antibiotics you can spare?"

i wanted to attack from all fronts. and, as i do not have medical insurance/coverage, the cost of a dr. visit and prescriptions and all that adds up to had me lookin' for every inexpensive, freebie i could find

true to her nature, and with presently tested unconditional love... she came to my rescue.

the label said 1 capsule by mouth, 3x day, for 10 days

i've never understood... can't we just like... pop 30, and blast out the infection?

but i guess this is similar to trying to bake cookies at 700 degrees for 1/2 the time it takes at 350, so..

i took two at a time, 5x a day instead.

i like my cookies crispy on the outside; moist on the inside..

anyway..

made my way home, threw all my clothes in the washer, and took a very long, very hot, shower. i covered every single inch of my body in soap.. i kept a mustache of soap foam under my nose to help drown out, or at least, neutralize, the perpetual smell of 10 day old dead fish that was me...

and when i finished and peed in the toilet, i noticed such a cloudiness in my urine also..

-great.

whatever the hell this is.. it's fatal.

i grabbed a mirror... i investigated. did i forget a tampon up in there? what the hell? i looked, i dug; nothing.

grabbed my boxes of douches.. read the instructions very carefully. opened the package. -sat fascinated for a few minutes at the innovation; the design..

always wondered what these looked like; what they did... how they worked...

remained on the toilet and inserted the douche.. squeezed the bag... oh... it is kinda like a rain forest shower for your insides..

very clever

but the second i removed the douche i started coughing and gagging again.

i really cannot capture in words, in any adjective i know or could even make up... just how suffocatingly pungent this odor was..

does the military know about this?

i've never myself smelled the awful smell of a decomposing human body.. but i imagined this was something like that; only worse

because at least the dead person isn't subject to their own stench

so despite the fact i had heard over the years douching isn't good for your body.. and despite the fact i've heard over the years you shouldn't take any prescriptions (like antibiotics) that were not prescribed specifically for you

i swallowed three more pills and douched three more times.

nothing helped.

***

the talk:

"so, my handsome prince of sexiness... this strange odor thing is not going away. it's not going away! it's awful.. it's getting worse

i can't stand the smell of myself.. i've been in this body almost 46 years.. i know something is really wrong"

we discussed some possibilities like, hormones, perimenopause, sex...

"no.. i know sex has a certain smell... this is not the smell of sex -this is something entirely awful and different" i told him

and then gradually, and inevitably, -and after we had already had who knows how much unprotected, wild and wonderful sex

it became time to ask him -out loud, verbally, and very bravely, about his sexual history.

no one, by the way, answers this question honestly or without sounding defensive

"are you saying it's me?"

"all i'm sayin' is i've never encountered anything like this, and it happens to correlate with having sex again with you after no sex for several years.. i'm just asking.. that's all"

anyway..

turns out that my handsome prince.. 46 years old, divorced and with two beautiful daughters

and myself, 45, divorced, with two beautiful children of my own

well, -surprise! we've both had sex before and more than once. and we both reported being s.t.d. free

no one volunteered medical records or paper work.

****

let's call this chapter -unconditional love

or, perhaps more accurately: lust trumps suffocating odor

because -bless my handsome prince's heart.. he got out some incense, lit a fragrant candle and we were back in each other's embrace again

and for a wonderful stretch of time i was able to ignore the smell of me

and multi-task again .

***

and the next day i finally surrendered and made a doctor appointment

***

that night -alone in my own home /because who could survive two nights in a row? i prayed. i prayed one of those very emotional, heart felt, deeply sincere, hopefully moving prayers that God would have no choice but to hear and acknowledge

he'll turn your mess into a message. he'll turn your test into a testimony.

and i became suddenly able to apply some of the spiritual lessons i've learned along my life journey.

find the silver lining... even stench clouds have a silver lining.. find the silver lining....

an image started appearing on my mental movie screen.. in black n' white. it was a skunk.

"that's it!" i thought to myself "thank you!" -skunks don't walk around all ashamed of themselves for stinking up the planet

it's their God given gift! they use it to their advantage!

so, i imagined myself, not trying to walk and function in the world with my legs kept so close together they almost locked -but rather.. this new me

like an indian warrior woman with a skunk-skin head piece. i stood tall and proud. arms crossed and legs apart, with a beautiful leather skirt

who needs arrows? -watch this... (squat) -one village down.. 3 to go...

***

the unavoidable appointment:

i have not been to an ob/gyn doctor for many years; couldn't even remember the name of the doctor who tied my tubes...headed for the yellow pages...

***

the bff:

met one of my bff's for coffee -catherine. bff who also happens to be a nurse and someone i can share anything with...

i tell her about the stench

about the antibiotics

about the douches

about how humiliating it was every time someone walked near me.. how they would sniff like they had a bad cold or spontaneous allergic reaction and then grimace; then leave

how i didn't know what to do, or how to handle it?

i mean, what's the etiquette here? was i supposed to, in one sweeping microphone announcement say, "it's me! i apologize! might be a fatal s.t.d. i don't know, but the smell is coming from -then gesture around my private area, "not sure how alarmed anyone should be... breathe in at your own risk."

was i supposed to tell people, individually, as they... you know, realized.

and how was i supposed to call in sick and pay for the doctor appointment and all the prescriptions and hospital bills i was about to accumulate? i needed the hours...

so i just sat, legs crossed, or stood, with legs as close together as humanly possible and pretended to be very busy when people came too near to me

til i heard someone from across the entire room ask, "what's that smell?"

suddenly the hours didn't seem so important anymore and i just went home.

****

doctor's office:

i have internet and google.

by this time i was only there to have the doctor confirm my thoroughly researched google diagnosis:

bacterial vagionosis -or something like that

said write under the symptoms -fish odor. /what a euphemism!

and to my credit, the doctor thought so too..

so i undressed and covered myself with the paper gown; took every woman's favorite ob/gyn position on the table

in every crisis be thankful

thank you Jesus for my sense of smell... without that...
thank you Jesus that i can so easily make a doctor appointment and get to my doctor
thank you Jesus for my handsome prince.. for sex...
thank you for your understanding, for your forgiveness...
thank you that you are here with me write now...

let the duck-lips make their way in -listened to an audible gag escape the doctor's bare face

and when he gave the signal, sat up for my next set of instructions.

"you had a tampon stuck up in there? you are all better now. no antibiotics needed and no smell will bother you anymore. -all clear."

"really!! i looked for one... i got a mirrow... i dug.."

and then he explained the tampon had somehow (wink, wink), gotten stuck hidden up and behind my uterus.

so, -since catherine's recommendation ended up landing me write back with the very doctor that nurtured me through my 2nd pregnancy, and weaned me from my prescription addiction, and tied my tubes,...

we chit chatted a bit about his family, wife, children & dog (r.i.p.)

and then i so happily thanked him again and texted immediately the great news to people who would care

and

i am back having wild and wonderful sex with my handsome prince of sexiness again

and again...

and again...

amen.

THOUGHTS ON WISDOM & A NEW DEFINITION FOR SUCCESS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-09-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

wisdom and motive, actually

i go back so often, during prayer, and change my request from whatever it was, to a request for the wisdom i need to make a given decision..

doing the wise thing can sometimes be very different from doing the write or wrong thing, very different from the legal, or obligatory, or expected thing -and sometimes the wise thing matches up perfect with the write, legal & socially correct thing

but the thing is.. it doesn't always match. we need -as humans.. wisdom. holy wisdom. because like everything else even wisdom can be used for good or evil

you can have 1 person excersing wisdom for self-serving purposes and another exercising wisdom for the benefit of a given individual and/or humanity in general

and wisdom brings me to a strange cerebral loop which involves motive

and just as suffering (mentioned in earlier post) -as a common denominator w/humans speaks more to a spiritual world than physical/material

so does motive.

motive, motive, motive. -and i just can't shake the idea that -motive- -even more than suffering, speaks as evidence of a spiritual world in addition to our physical/material world

so, we can revisit the most important question here... not, where am i? who am i? how did i get here? where am i going?

but -why

how and why are humans designed in such a way that we can hide motives from each other?

i'm not thinkin' a big bang.. random universe, evolution for survival answers this question

i'm completely convinced our hearts, our minds, our motives are seeable/knowable in the spiritual world.

by God (& in cyberworld by google)

-and, exactly why christianity or any other faith system cannot promise innoculation from bad things, and/or some senario where, once you believe all your prayers are answered; all your wishes come true

because under that circumstance (those circumstances) -everyone starts believing and having faith for what they can get... for what it will do for them... for the wrong reason(s)

and not for holy reasons/motivations

we have spiritual as well as physical hearts. -human evolution -where it looks, aims toward humans which are taller, stronger, healthier, faster, smarter, etc. is actually not evolution at all

true human evolution purifies the spiritual heart. motives become pure. wisdom used only for the greater good...

so -if you want to see an evolved human being.. silly to look for, or at, a physically superior/gifted person

physically superior/gifted people can have very damaged souls, broken hearts, selfish motives; same is true for intellectually superior/gifted people

humans the most evolved on planet earth are humanitarians.

heart. heart. heart. -not body. big mistake to think survival of the fittest

it is -of the purest...

we are here to have our hearts purified.

which cannot be accomplished until your first awakening, which is to realize you have a spiritual heart, and motives

and all communication regarding purifying ones heart is accomplished through prayer.. a 24/7, free communication program available to every human on the planet despite the economy and without written contracts

prayer is more equal opportunity than any equal opportunity claim you've ever read or heard about. it may be the only authentically true and real equal opportunity thing in the known world

amen

and add on here, that i'm returning also to the idea that we desperately need to change the success narrative of our culture

the current success narrative -achieved through mass media brain washing

is about business success, or athletic success; it's about what you earn, how you look, where you live, what you drive; status and title

non-sense

the real success narrative is about bearing fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

and until we use mass media to spread that message; to celebrate people demonstrating those achievments

we will remain stuck where we are

and where we are is with a large part of the population drowning in insecurities (the have nots), and (the haves), a smaller part of the population, drowning in emptiness.

for a new success narrative; a new definition for what it means to be a successful human being

i pray

LOVE, CAROL & COURAGE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

God directed me to wear my courage t-shirt this morning... very rarely wear this actually.. but it is the t-shirt that has the symbol of courage on the front, and the word, courage, on the back. and served to inspire the tattoo on my face.

***

for what do i need extra courage today? i wondered..

turns out, i need extra courage to share this: a spontaneous, very powerful, emotionally stirring prayer connection with God this morning.. during my drive to pick up the kids for school

went something like this:

replay of a portion of my conversation with my handsome prince last night over appetizers/margaritas at blue agave..

at some point i say to him (my sexiness..) "christianity is not an innoculation against bad things..

bad things happen to christians and non-christians alike.. it is how we RESPOND.. christians respond differently...

while, ms.. he sees natural disasters -like the current hurricane in the news, as God's way of expressing upset..

to wake people up..

i don't necessary lean in that same direction -but do believe God convicts vs. condemns; individuals

anyway.. i'm letting the conversation roll over in my head on my drive..

then joel osteen enters -and i love him. love many of his quotes, beliefs, interpretations

but -this praying for instant healing.. where healing does not take place.. the giving of false hope... this makes me very uncomfortable

i pictured in my mind a child in the hospital being prayer over.. and healing takes place. it has and does happen...

then i pictured a woman i met some time ago.. paralyzed. in a wheel-chair.. unable to speak for herself, or feed herself

i thought.. you could bring a circle of the most highly evolved human beings, blessed with healing powers around this woman.. and she would wake up tomorrow in the same condition she is in today..

seems true doesn't it..

but as i'm thinking that very thought.. my thought is interrupted with what feels like -received information, -from God

something like.. you don't believe i can move mountains. i can move mountains. test me on this -where do you want to see healing

and a vision of my niece pops in my head -sarah.

i start to cry.

/again write now..

and it seems like i received a message to look for healing in sarah. -so,

is this real?

says in the bible NOT to test God -is God asking to be put to the test?

it's scary. in battlefield of the mind.. (which i fully believe exists) can't always be sure who is breaking in the door; the thought door

God; the all mighty. satan.. setting me/us up for an "i told you so.."

so, again.. i don't know the truth; yet

i can only describe the experience, and time will answer..

but look where that puts me

if, in fact, sarah shows signs of spontaneous healing.. that's the biggest WOW/miracle, direct connect i will have experienced

if there are no changes..

i will simply, and automatically shift away from thinking this experience was a God experience and reconsider it as a strategy by the enemy -setting up God to fail in my imagination... providing false hope.

i feel vulnerable. i would have been very reluctant to communicate this to my sister except that when i crossed in front of the mirror.. and saw the courage sign on my t-shirt

and saw, in fact, in passing.. not one, but two courage symbols; my t-shirt, my face..

this double-whammy, if you will...

allowed me to exercise the courage it takes to communicate such a big hope to my sister.

so -for sarah's healing. for sarah's healing. i pray this was an authentic God connect experience. and that everyone within loving distance will be witness to this mountain being moved.

amen. amen. amen.

****

speaking of love, mountains, my sister and God.. let me speak now also about carol bedell

we attended her "joy always" memorial service saturday @ centerpointe -one of the most beautiful memorial services i have personally attended

my sister was much closer to carol than me.. to carol and her daughters and family.

carol bedell (and her daughters) were the first to welcome my sister into the church family -some, 7 or 8 years ago

she personally reached out, recognizing my sister was new to the church, and invited her to sit next to her at the church.. embraced also, my sister's two children.. and made everyone feel welcome

and it wasn't just a one time thing, but.. she invited my sister to sit with her every sunday

so every sunday -my sister, alone and new to the church, always had a friend; always felt welcome, always felt loved

and the friendship/fellowship grew -as you can imagine, over the years for everyone.

i know my sister loved carol like a second mom

and her daughters like second sisters

so.. we are at the service -and toward the end, my sister says to me.. you know what my prayer is? my prayer is to be more like carol -starting write now!

***

brought tears to my eyes. and speaks directly to the beautiful inspiration, to the beautiful life song carol's life sings

***

but you know me, by now, yes..

i let many words, especially expressed during high emotional times, i let them float write over me

this is not a direct -i don't know how to say? i'm not calling people liars.. it is not that at all

i throw myself openly in this area.. of the well intentioned. we have great intentions, most of us

we mean what we say, when we say it.. but there is sometimes a disconnect between intention and actual action..

i've done it. i've seen it.

but let me tell you what happened next!

in the order it happened -when we arrive to my sister's house after the service, it turns out chaos and upset are there to greet her once again

her son (my nephew), is crying.. a child visiting has trampled all over his legos. there is a big mess of legos on the floor. her daughter (my niece) is needing something immediately. my sister needs to write the babysitter a check. and i am asking to borrow a blouse. and she needs to cancel an invite she received for later that evening because there is no sitter available; add on, that she is still battling pain in her arm from the disk issue in her back, and has dr appts and possible surgery coming up..

i watched as her temper rose; i witnessed the oncoming overwhelm.. remember this is also following all the emotion of the memorial service we just attended, and everything that churns up...

and i know i can't solve every problem in this moment, but i can provide some limited relief by reminding her that tomorrow (sunday), i will pick her children up and take them to church for her

give her 2+ hours of uninterrupted alone/relax/think time... this is what i have been able to offer

occasionally people will ask why she is not at church with me.. i explain.. this may be the only stretch of time she can have to herself...

and she is always so appreciative and refreshed..

so it was to my utter and great surprise that i received a text sunday morning from her that let me know i did not need to come pick up her children -she would be at church

that's awesome!

i love when everyone is there.. my mom, my sister, my children, her children.. and now we get to add my handsome prince and his beautiful daughters.. and their friends..

in any case,

after the church service /which was my favorite of the year so far...

my sister says to me.. "know why i came to church today? .. remember my prayer yesterday..

this is me being more like carol. write now."

***

how beautiful is that!

LOVE MAPS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-25T09:17:00.001-07:00

this is how i pray

for the deceased -to pray not only for the soul of the person who died, but "everyone within loving distance"

because love has its own boundaries; none.

geographically.. someone can die, and their very neighbor might not know, or be emotionally effected

but family on the other side of the country can be deeply, emotionally devastated

so,

i see that in my imagination.. love maps.

very different in nature from city and world maps -different from looking at populations, mountain ranges, lakes, rivers, state divides

love travels at what speed? speed of love..

faster than the speed of light...

uninterrupted by landscapes, atmosphere, traffic

-when our astronauts are in space.. love is there

and if they traveled further still.. love would be there

beautiful to think about -infinite love; no boundaries. always has been, always will be,

no caps. no speed limits. no time limits.

/little tribute here to squidmann and his beloved Beatles

"love. love. love"

FLESH VS. SPIRIT BATTLE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

so,

i'm watchin' hour of power. robert schuller...
love, respect, admire this man of God

and he's celebrating his.. 60th (?) wedding anniversary -and springboards off this celebration to discuss the (#?) commandment -thou shall not commit adultery

and he tells everyone that not only has he never cheated on his wife... but he has never even been tempted!

wow!

the man.. living in southern california, by the way.. where temptation is about as prevalent as air

has never even been tempted!

well,

that's beautiful and all, but i think the rest of us pale in comparison, don't you?

the lack of being tempted might have to do with how/where he's been spending his time.. with God, with family, with hurting people, writing books, studying, preaching.. growing his ministry..

but, let me be honest here

for me -personally. i would have a greater sense of trust with someone who faced and won the temptation flesh/spirit battle, than someone who has never even been up against it

today.. joyce meyer discussed it a bit.. "flee from temptation" -you have to know your weaknesses -you need to recognize when someone can bring you down

and it is my experience/observation

that temptation exists -and recognizing it; avoiding it; conquering it -is crucial to spiritual success

flesh vs. spirit

joel osteen did a great presentation on this also.. discussing how in the moment, an affair might seem exciting, wonderful

but in fact, nothing but destruction follows.. and after you've seen families destroyed, children's lives negatively impacted, and the severe consequences that result from losing the flesh/spirit battle

this is a great opportunity to learn so the mistake is not repeated again.

having lost and won this battle myself over the years -with great confidence now, i can keep the commandment

unmarried sex.. not so much. but loyality to my handsome prince, my sexiness.. yes.

without doubt.

and that's why during one of our very romantic dates i posed the question the way i did.. "have you faced the spirit/flesh battle?"

because very few people are as blessed as robert schuller.. to never even be tempted

most of us will be

i'd feel more secure with someone who faced/won than someone who has never even faced it

but i delight in knowing.. in believing, that even if robert schuller were to be tempted

he would win.

and it's just so nice to even meet a male creature here on planet earth that has remained faithful to God and his wife for 60 years...

.. and back to winning the flesh/spirit battle

joyce meyer & joel osteen speak true to what i've experienced/witnessed

that winning the battle doesn't mean you can safely stand next to, work with, commute with, live near, etc. someone who tempts you without giving into that temptation

but rather winning comes from recognizing, avoiding, fleeing..

and if you can muster up what it takes to pre-realize and compare the moment's thrills for two (or more) vs. the destructive long term consequences for many

you will gladly rearrange your life to win the battle

and how else can i close this post but to remind

love conquers all.

UNINSTANT HEALING by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

this post inspired by 7 or 8 different conversations, with different people over the past couple months

because seems worth taking the time to point out that we live in a material world of faster, better,

instant~everything.

flip of the switch. press of a button. on demand.

but when it comes to pain. to suffering. to crisis. and to healing.

no such thing exists.

with the exception of a very small percentage of highly spiritually evolved human beings

healing takes time. sometimes a short time, sometimes a long time; but almost never can healing take place with the flip of a switch, the press of a button or on demand.

time/distance is surfacing here

distance/time

perspective

and so, for anyone/everyone in the process of healing from loss, devastation, crisis, death, divorce, addiction, betrayal, physical/emotional/spiritual/mental pain

of any kind

lower your expectations. this is not an on/off kind of thing

but if any switch exists at all; it is a dimmer.

gradually

and only gradually, can you grow from complete darkness to light.

but the light is always there.

SUN IS TO PLANTS AS ATTENTION IS TO HUMANS by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

not everyone belongs in direct sunlight.

not everyone belongs in shade.

figure out what's write for you

then you've got it made.

GOD'S PLANS AND NOT MY OWN... for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

and as the dating question came my way over these past several years i had two pat answers..

"i found peace! i have no interest in messing with that.."

and/or, "in my imagination, i stay single until both my kids have graduated from high school -but if God has different plans for me, i'm sure i'll find out about it..."

i'm finding out about it.

and ms

he told me over one of our very romantic dates, that he's been praying to God to send the write woman his way...

***

and it's moving very fast..

some might warn, too fast...

i've met his beautiful daughters; he's met my beautiful children

and today our children will meet each other

what a momentum

but there is no part of me tempted to step, even gently, on the breaks

rather

just to open my arms wide and sail..

and if the winds want to lift me in the air...

i'll fly.

-i have the... dare i say it.. the f word. feeling.

i have the feeling, i've met the true love of the 2nd half of my life.

ORGANIZING FOR PEOPLE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS, like (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

organized, pack by room friend: "sandra, why did you put your most important papers in with the coffee machine, eye drops and .. what do you have in here? shoes? a baseball cap?... you've got some kitchen, bathroom, bedroom -this would make me crazy. why didn't you call me?"

me: "allow me to explain.. i put the most important papers here because... well, because.. when i wake up in the morning, i put drops in my eyes, then i have a cup of coffee, then i grab my most important papers and start writing..

then i keep a creative imaging pen and the ruby hill hat next to the computer to remind me to stop writing and get to work"

organized, pack by room friend: "where's the rest of your kitchen stuff?"

me: "i have no idea. that's why i called you."

*****

and a p.s. extra public thank you again to blanca garcia -who helped me with my last move, and returned again as my earth angel. saving grace. -to help me with this one.

if she wasn't already married. i would propose.

THAT DAMN DOUBLE SLIT EXPERIMENT by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

i've read about it. seen it on science tv. written about it before. watched it again.

perplexing indeed.

and i could probably research the answer to this, but how unfun is that. i love to ponder.

-k, so,

i watch again. they explain how unpredictable/mysterious it all is.. the photons go straight through two slits, but appear random on the back board

not just a pattern identifying two slits... but, like... everywhere. and not only everywhere... but maybe in more than one place at once?! -quantum style clones; parallel universe~ish...

and then the randomness, when observed over a certain amount of time, actually starts to reveal a pattern.

[life lesson there, i must say... but anyway],

then they explain the wave pattern (similar to water, vs. light, let's say)

and i get it -kinda.

only my mind goes back and keeps thinking about the laser beam itself.

how is it, that the beam is straight?

and i've just been kinda thinkin' as a result... that the nature of the beam, -the organic nature, is probably not straight

only straightens out due to influence of outside force

/wonder if balancing is a good analogy?

but, w/out the influence of such force.. would wander all about in many directions; disconnecting...

so..

how is it, that the beam of laser light used in the double slit experiment is in a straight pattern? gravity + speed? momentum..

then -tossing around visions of how light curves.. the water illusion; waves..

and i'm not going to look it up... just toss it around.

but the stand outs for me are that... how things that appear random at first glance, demonstrate patterns over time and at specific distances

i believe this rings true for what are often described as mutations -for how many decades, centuries can you call it a random mutation when they occur again and again and again...

i think there are patterns revealed over time

and the other standout question -how the beam stays straight

and if human's balancing on something /which in fact, we are everyday...

is a good analogy? without -what- do we loose our balance?

you can witness with human infants, balancing is not automatic/ innate, but learned. -interesting.

****

one more random thought to interject here.. we often here these words together: space/time.

but distance/time; time/distance... this is surfacing as something to investigate.

as is patterns and breaking patterns. which could lead potentially to way more thoughts/words than i have the energy to explore write now

****

signing off tonight as your favorite random blogger

WHO WE ARE AND WHO WE ARE NOT by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

great lyrics in amos lee's keep it loose, keep it tight song.. ".. sometimes we forget what we got ...who they are... and who they are not..."

*****

place: lion's wayside park, concert in the park -our 1st picnic together. him w/gift basket of merlot, olives, crackers, seasoned mustards, merlot cheese -provided to him from new employer

me w/salame, champagne cheddar, grapeful white, plastic cups, blanket -quickly put together on my way out the ruby hill doors...

wine bottle opener borrowed from neighbors in the grass area near the giant tree

***

ms: "..so, when are you going to let me turn the lights on and see you naked?"

me: "-k you need to understand something.."

ms: (laughing) "what? what? i want to turn the lights on -you're beautiful"

me: "i'm a writer. well, first and foremost, i'm a mom. k. "

ms: "yes.."

me: "i am a mom. i am a writer. i am an artist."

ms: (smiling) "-yes"

me: " i am not a model."

ms: (laughing) "i'm gonna wait til you're halfmeway across the room, then -hurry- turn the lights on real bright"

me: (laughing back). "i wouldn't do that if i were you. that move will backfire"

***

and there's defintely a wine/sex analogy tucked in there somewhere... regarding how certain things take time; shouldn't and can't be rushed

it's not that it will never happen

but

i need time to acclimate.

"SEE! I TOLD YOU!" by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

2007 -vienna salon, livermore

me: "..and this is my one idiosyncrasy when it comes to my hair. NO PRODUCTS. "

nina: "why not?"

me: "..because one day someone is going to want to run his fingers through my hair.."

2008 - louann mckinnon, pleasanton

me: "..and this is my one idiosyncrasy when it comes to my hair. NO PRODUCTS. "

louann: "why not?"

me: "..because one day someone is going to want to run his fingers through my hair.."

2009 -vogue studio, raley's shopping center

me: "..and this is my one idiosyncrasy when it comes to my hair. NO PRODUCTS. "

marcy: "why not?"

me: "..because one day someone is going to want to run his fingers through my hair.."

2010 -regis salon, stoneridge mall

me: "..and this is my one idiosyncrasy when it comes to my hair. NO PRODUCTS. "

sarah liu: "why not?"

me: "..because one day someone is going to want to run his fingers through my hair.."

july 2011 -sarah liu, regis salon -stoneridge
- jasmine, cosmo's, pleasanton

me: "remember... NO PRODUCTS. "

"why not?"

TASTE OF DOWNTOWN LIVERMORE, THIS SAT! AUG 6TH...come see (me!)

2011-08-03T13:43:00.001-07:00

TASTE OF DOWNTOWN LIVERMORE

~your favorite local ruby hill wine goddess (me!) will be pouring at proctor's framing, sat. aug 6th, noon to 5pm

2200 first street (4th business west of lizzie fountain -next to main street designs).

"cheers!"

RAKESTRAW BOOK'S 1st ANNUAL LOCAL AUTHOR FESTIVAL (sat. aug 13th!)

2011-08-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

come one, come all...

SAT. AUG 13TH

RAKESTRAW BOOK'S 1ST ANNUAL LOCAL AUTHOR FESTIVAL

/i'm working on my talk write now...

instead of unpacking and cleaning.

***

true embarrassing story here.. when michael barnard called me at ruby hill to extend the official invitation (thank you in part to my peacock patch zinfandel, pinot grigio, box of cookies bribe) and provide some details

well,

guess i heard what i wanted to hear, and not necessarily what he said -during the advertising/promoting part of our conversation

because i could swear he said something about -advertising in time..

my brain leaped with joy to -time. as in the magazine. like, a regional specific issue...

maybe that will help lev grossman remember me

dig out and dust off the eat, write & exercise book at the bottom of his backpack

anyway..

he did say time. i had that part write. but -time, as in - local newspapers not global magazine.

san ramon valley times

and the valley times.

my absurd leap makes some sense if you understand the rakestraw book, lev grossman, time magazine connection from... (?) '09

otherwise, absurd it is.
and i just look silly.

but! now we know.. advertisements for this exciting event will appear in the san ramon valley times and the valley times, local news sections, wed. aug 10th and friday, aug 12th.

IN HIS WORDS & OUR PICTURES for (you!)

2011-08-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

ten different layers of wonderful memories in one spectacular night

****

i'm not in the place to write myself about the wonderful petite sirah event, so very most grateful i can link here to steve's beautiful article and slide show

...which "thank you!" shows two photo's of my latest mixed media bottle art

***

and pictures here of my daughter and i in the creation process...

it is my favorite bottle to date. and i'd love to work on even larger bottle formats.

and the event itself... my goodness. i wouldn't know where to begin.. the view from mcgrail vineyard's is spectacular, and we (ms & myself) were there for the deep reds, oranges of the sunset

live music in the background

a delicious petite sirah from some 13 (?) different pleasanton/livermore wineries

beautiful decor.. tea lights streaming above our dinners and conversations

surrounded by the vineyards themselves -gorgeous architecture that is mcgrail's tasting room

the company of industry familiar friends, + my favorite co-worker wine goddess sister's and their husbands

and.. my sister, my best friend.. and my secret literary agent & wine lord, plus! my very own new romantic partner looking as handsome as ever

his hand to hold, and lips to kiss -elevating the entire evening to new levels

but that's not all -jim concannon himself honoring our table with a personal visit and wonderful, entertaining, educational stories about the history of concannon, and the petite sirah

and julio of casa de vinas vineyards.. with a personal visit and most inspiring speech

which is worth re-toasting to -in summary and essence he said,

"let's all drink more petite sirah and make the world a better place!"

i am happy to contribute and recruit toward this very noble cause.

***

and can't close without publically thanking mary mele for providing the opportunity for me to create a mixed media centerpiece AND! for being such a champion of my art. i love you! thanks!

AUGUST BRAIN FLIGHT BY (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-08-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

they are most often referred to as flights... the tasting menus at wineries; a selection of 3/4 ounce pours of a variety of whites & reds

so you can taste samples -and find out which ones you like, and which ones you love

before you buy a bottle, or case, or.. become a member.

****

it's all i have in me, at the moment -samples; a variety of topics -i warn in advance, this is not a direct flight,

which i will demonstrate immediately, by asking you to unfasten your belt and get off the plane -go backwards several steps, to catch another analogy i missed along the way

also, in the tasting room -we have a variety of customers, with a variety of different tasting experience/appreciation levels

novice to expert. -one way to express it. or, social to knowledgable.

so the social novice -which is the category i would put myself in from age 21 to 45, is simply someone who enjoys wine, wine tasting, visiting with friends/family, etc. it's the whole experience, with no specific extra attention given to each wine's attributes, vintage, appellation,

no deep curiosity about what barrel a given wine was aged in, for how long... what flavors from the around the world can be teased out of the nose, etc.

no conscious effort to evaluate some 3 layered examination of how the wine feels on the top and then sides of the tongue, and what type finish

i could go on, but we should return to our seats, the plane is waiting for take-off

so, quickly.. the knowledgeable expert then, is obviously someone who -knows.

like, everything.

sensitive to the finest detail; the subtle flavors; -someone with senses so trained and heightened and fine-tuned that

they can accurately understand, describe and appreciate every effort the winemaker has employed, from the artistic, to the scientific, the passion, the patience... from the courageous experiment to the safe tried and true method

all of this can literally be tasted in a 3/4 ounce pour.

i love observing experts.

***

and now i'm going to take you to an entirely different place than you anticipated going -because you are already in your seat, and so.. no escaping now, write...

two major changes in my life these days

a new place to live. new romance.

they are not at present in combination. but what fun to slowly learn about each other... to reveal a little something each new encounter

most recently:

ms:

(ms, by the way, stands for my sexiness -this term of endearment came quite naturally off my tongue after seeing him naked)

so anyway..

ms: "would you like to watch the news?"

me: "the news?! oh, no, NO, no, no, no, no, no. i never watch the news." -rolled closer to him and whispered in his ear "it's brain poison. i watch church tv"

then after a little small talk, he explains how he has to watch the news for the weather and traffic.

i sympathize. -then as he readies himself for the day, he says to me, "i'll have to watch the news on the spanish channel so you can't understand what they're saying."

"great idea." i tell him. then get a case of the giggles.

ms: "why are you laughing?"

me: "because, most men try and hide the fact they're watching porn... but with me, -i just imagined you trying to hide watching the news channel from me.. quick.. change the channel, here she comes; no news.. don't let her see"

****

detour

***

the last time, i witnessed a hurried behavior which resulted from some boys not wanting to get caught doing something they weren't supposed to be doing

was at my ex's house

i walked in unexpectedly to the family room, and three boys leaped from the couch, dashed all about looking guilty and afraid, and then resettled quickly, making every effort to look, calm, cool and casual, then offered up a fake, "hi! how are you doing?"

after a little investigation i learned the reason they were all hurried and suspicious was because they were sneaking food in the family room -where john has repeatedly told them they cannot bring food

rice crispy treats again! -what is it about those rice crispy treats?

***

and as a perpetual student of human behavior -what is more interesting than that -sneaking.

i cannot count the amount of times i've seen a person or people, create a rule

do not do _____

and it never actually stops the behavior, it just relocates it -different time, different place, different frequency...

but once the rule is created and established, -breaking it, always pairs with guilt; the degree varies

so i remain fascinated with the circumstances that give birth to sneaking...

from the most popular -sneaking of porn
to the wife sneaking in clothes she's purchased that she doesn't want her husband to know about

kids sneaking food in where they've been told not to eat

adults sneaking cigarettes

me..

sneaking in a little writing when i should be unpacking.

***

thank you! come again.

IT WILL ALL EVENTUALLY MAKE SENSE for (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-07-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

k-, so

i realize i must of seemed -odd. mentally challenged in some non-specific way, because the conversation in the ruby hill tasting room went something like this, after a little bit of regular chit-chat

"and my (son?) lives in prague" dad customer says

me: "NO!? PRAGUE?!"

dad, "yes. he lives in prague."

me: "NO!? that can't be, did you say prague?!"

dad, (with a concerned smile), "yes. he lives in prague, he's just visiting"

me: "no way! (looking at son) -you live in prague?! really?! prague?!"

then they both had a concerned smile... justifiable, i must say, and i was left with no alternative but to try and explain the unexplainable.

goes back several years. i was watching a travel channel with vague interest -but as the narrator was describing different people, places to visit

when the name prague came up.. it hit me like PRAGUE

absolutely no idea why... who knows how many cities, states, countries, places were mentioned... but PRAGUE like, leaped deep into my heart, soul, mind..

completely odd because -i know no one from prague; i've never read anything about prague; didn't quite know where it was on the map (no surprise); i've never written a paper, or traveled to, or been curious about, or even read any books that had any scene set in prague..

seemed entirely random. ignorable.

but ever since.. when i hear it mentioned, or read it.. that same big, pronounced, stand-out internal experience repeats itself

it's like i'm supposed to know something about it -but i have no idea what or why...

it's very vague and mysterious

but, this customer is the first person i've ever met who lives there; literally lives there, write now.

and so,

we agreed to connect on facebook

because i also have an internal mysterious intuitive feeling -that one day -and who knows when, why, where or how

but one day, this whole wierd PRAGUE thing will all make sense.

tbc.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SIN by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-07-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

honestly...

the moment was not lost on me, i promise you

two cross necklaces; his/hers (his;mine)

touching and getting almost as tangled as we were

"Jesus," i said with a big smile

"not sure whether this should be a gratitude prayer or one to ask forgiveness"

and our necklaces met again; and again

"Jesus,"

and with what very little ability i had left to form a thought, i said,

"how 'bout i ask for forgiveness for how grateful i am"

****

INSPIRED BY TAVIS SMILEY'S VISIT TO CHINA by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-07-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

http://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/2010/07/dear-china-do-i-ever-apologizeme-sandra.html

an encore post..

following tavis smiley's china series..

my upshot is this..

every formula -despite the exploitation/ toll on humans, families, individuals, neighborhoods, communties, societies, etc.

every formula that has proven profitable in america

has a new and larger set of victims in china.

***

and by profitable, i mean only financially (the famous american capitalist kind of profit)

if we used the true definition of profit...

well, there should be two different words shouldn't there. greed when it's greed; and profit when it actually benefits both consumer & supplier

***

on the plus side..

the more open society..

the introduction of individuals -real people to see & learn from vs. the generic "chinese people" lump summed group; as if they were all the same; one entity

***

looking forward to the series...

PRINCESS OF THE ROCKBIBLE RUMMAGE SALE (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-07-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

i knew the write thing to do. it involved taking my niece to the farmer's market
-get her out of the house, give my sister, dealing with arm pain from a herniated disk, a little break

but, "God," i said. "know how much physical energy i have? i know you do.

ZERO!

and psychological energy... less than that.

i'm wiped out! i've got a big fat nothin' to give"

and sometimes, i hear back, but i didn't.

what did happen,

is that i got myself up out of the open coffin position i was stuck in on my bed, got myself cleaned up enough to appear in public

and brought my niece to the farmer's market..

only, we got distracted by a clown on the way...

short story, shorter: that clown was holding a sign, directing (or should i say, re~directing) us to a rummage sale going on at rockbible church

next thing you know, my niece has i~spied a friend from school, and made friends with a couple others.. they all found a double-stroller from the rummage sale, to keep them entertained, and some giant empty cardboard boxes, to play house and school in on the lawn

and i spied a friend too.. doug linman.. "i'm so tired today," i said, "just need a place i can sit down"

and that doug linman.. who apparently arrived before 6 a.m. to help set up the giant rummage sale, and was busy helping any variety of vendors and customers -he still took the time to find me an old rolling office chair to sit in..

plopped myself in with the weight of the world on my shoulders

"God," i said, "thank you."

had a place to sit where i could watch my niece play at the same time...

then, -scott, i believe his name is, and who i would later find out is the pastor of rockbible... he smiled at me, as he walked by, said, "you sure look comfortable. anything else we can bring you?" he was being funny, but i said, "as a matter of fact.. sure could use a place to put my feet up"

next thing you know, i have a cardboard box to rest my short legs on

heaven.

i just made myself so comfortable.. sittin' in the middle of rummage sale.. any number of people walking by, shopping, visiting...

just about everyone who passed me by gave me a smile, and some comment about looking really relaxed..

princess of the rockbible rummage sale

i noticed a beautiful crystal glass on the table next to me.. had a tiny chip in it, but i decided as the now official princess of the rockbible rummage sale, i should not be drinkin' my water out of a mere plastic bottle, now should i?

so i poured my water in the crystal glass. -so there i was, checkin' in on my niece every few mintues, while i relaxed on my thrown, feet propped up, sippin' filtered water from this beautiful crystal glass

and there happen to be a fireplace screen next to me also..

and silk flowers

and it was a beautiful, sun-shiny day.

then i heard, "you work at ruby hill don't you" -and i smiled, said yes.. and all of me wanted to visit, and all of me wanted to explain i wasn't lazy; this was not my usual self

but i realized in advance it would take too long and too much energy to explain my lack of energy, and so i just smiled and talked a little bit. i offered no explanation for my lethargy outside of, i'm tired today, and i knew to just relish and go along with the princess status comments

and i knew to thank God

'cuz, it's been said before, and is worth saying again

if you'll do what you can do, God will do what you can't do.

truth is, i did not have one ounce of energy of my own.. but i somehow got up and got out of bed. and normally, my niece, who requires a tad bit more time/energy than the average almost 8 year old does

normally, i would have been holding her hand, walking her from booth to booth, getting a little bit more involved in conversations with friends, and strangers too, for that matter. but it took all my energy to just sit there and be a good sport

but look closer at how that worked out

i did what i could do; show up

and God did what i could not, and did not have any plan to do: providing my niece some friends to play with

-relieving me of the time/attention she would normally require, deserve and demand

and God provided me a place to rest

in style.

Thank You Jesus!

"hallelujah! & amen!"

****

i'll be moving soon. God has further blessed me, through friends, with a beautiful room to rent, from a beautiful person, and in a beautiful part of town -community pool/hot tub included -and safe, comfortable accomadations for my children. the room is twice the size of the one i've been living in for 2+ years, and has a window at eye level

but just about everytime i think or say or hear the word -move

i fall all apart

in fact, i'm going upstairs write now to cry for a while.

ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES by (me!) sandra, tvgp

2011-07-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

-k

so what happen here, is i read leonard stegmann's blog.. kicked butt on the quiz, as usual

but could not resist the "cast your net" bible passage connection inspired by his opening line

then,

opened up my bible,

and could not resist editing the passage as follows:

john 21:6

Jesus said, "throw your net on the write side of the boat and you will find some."

and when they did...

they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of beautiful fish.

***

and with that.. i cannot resist the inspired opportunity to repost my beautiful fish poem

(again, from memory... the only one i have memorized)

beautiful fish
swimming in the sea

such a beautiful fish
swimming next to me

beautiful fish
'til the fisherman got her
threw her back in
quicker than he caught her

beautiful fish
thrown back in the sea
swam 'round in circles
feeling ugly

"i'm an ugly fish
thrown back in the sea!
i took his bait
but he didn't want me"

"hey, my beautiful fish
returned to the sea
can you take out a moment
explain something to me..

why do you feel ugly
being tossed back in
but pretty on the hook
of a fisherman?

beautiful fish
what you're sayin' to me
is you'd rather be eaten
than swimming next to me

beautiful fish
if you let his bait flatter
-you'll be cut, cleaned and cooked
in his wife's homemade batter

oh my beautiful fish
returned to the sea

you're still a beautiful fish to me.