[i] WILL YOU [to] FORGIVE MY IMPERFECT LOVE? a poem by (me!) sandra, tvgp
[i] WILL YOU
[to] FORGIVE MY IMPERFECT LOVE
love is mysterious. -an utter surprise!
understood by the heart; deceived by the eyes
outsiders see it
love. is a multiple questions test!
have i been patient?
you been kind?
do we envy those that money finds?
do you boast? am i too proud?
do we love each other too -outLOUD
does our need to know!
have we served ourselves the lesson?
and aren't we quick to get pissed off
demanding answers to our questions
oh, my love it's so imperfect!
i remember every! hurt!
"I REMEMBER! where i was... and what you wore... what you said! and what you did!
you frickin' piece of dirt!"
do i delight in seeking evil? -delight in tit for tat..
at least i share the truth write now
and perfect love's like that.
can we protect our love from all temptations? -trust that's what we'll do?
and hope that if i'm protectin'... ~ just trust that you do too?
i mean, you know.. when no ones lookin'
will our love ~persevere? will our imperfect love prevail?
with hope and faith
and God and prayer
we know that -love, it never fails.
but imperfect love
[i] will our imperfect love
TheHeartSeen...write by my (president obama!) by (me!) sandra, tvgp
write by my President Obama... during his congratulations speech
at the white house!
to the kennedy center honorees
LOOK! A POETREE as seen by (me!) sandra, tvgp
was it really robert frost who said such a thing? that free verse poetry is like playing tennis without a net? well, just for the record, i write all forms.. i honor what comes to me. if it arrives to me with a rhyme and a rhythm; i honor it. if it arrives without rhyme or reason; i honor that.. but in general.. for the most part, what i believe about free verse poetry is captured here: try though people may, to force it inside a pre-determined formula; to organize it just so, to cement it in... to control the look of the landscape ~real poetry refuses to be contained! will break through, bust loose and make known its power. and i believe, poetry has the ultimate power, not the poet. poetry seeks out, finds and uses the poet to make itself manifest... its own way. poetry dictates the terms. your job is not to put all the words, like blocks, back inside a box so the lid will close properly -your job, as a poet, is to listen, surrender, write and play with the word blocks; make a beautiful mess! create. ~and then leave the room.
TheHeartSeen -all over and around (me!) sandra, tvgp
WITH LOVE FOR CAROL handmade by (me!), sandra, tvgp
recycled wine bottle/mixed media art.
let's call it, your couple days after Christmas gift... /the hardest part is waiting patiently for the paint to dry on one side so i can paint the other..
TheHeartSeen 2013 calendar by (me!) and (taryn!)
speaking of... the photograph on our 2013 calendar was taken by my daughter, taryn -another highly skilled heart hunter. this is chipped paint on a curb somewhere in the discovery bay area.
THE HEART SEEN by (me!) sandra, tvgp
theheartseen.com newest contribution. actually, i've seen this one many times; have several pictures. but when i went to take one more today, the owner of the house happen to be walkin' out the door. so, i introduced myself, handed him one of my theheartseen.com 2013 calendars, and explained i was in the process of growing the largest collection in the world of found heart photography. he had never noticed this heart in his own yard before. i left confident that now he'll never be able to not see it. - and feeling very encouraged because as i walked away he said, "love what you're doing!" -thank you neighbor friend! i add this photo with his permission: four chambers and a pipeline; you gotta love it. and you know i have a soft spot for anything mosaic~y.
THAT WATER IS TAINTED! Says (me!) Sandra, tvgp
K, -you be me. You be me. What would you do? I was with my handsome prince and we went shopping inside a store for gifts.. Im feeling fine. I'm feeling great. I'm thirsty. I grab a water from one of those refrigerators near the register... I chug several ounces worth.. Get a slight brain freeze. Odd, because the water is not that cold. Next thing I know.. Out of both sides of my eyes, and below, this wild strobe light thing starts happening... Strobe lights in triangle shapes and circles everywhere... It won't stop. I look up, I look down, I take a deep breath. I try to see if they will subside... They get worse... I did panic a little because as the strobe lights were ...strobbing.. I asked myself internally... If this never went away, could you live like this? The answer was NO! My head ached slightly but not severly... My stomach was slightly nauseous but I knew I wouldn't vomit. But those damn strobe lights! So, I ask handsome prince for the keys and waited in the car... Maybe if I was in a quiet place... But the strobe lights were not subsiding.. It started to dawn on me... How I chugged that water.. I text my handsome prince, don't drink the water. Save the bottle. It's tainted. I started to feel great concern.. If other bottles were tainted? Just this one? So I walked back in to tell the manager to pull the same types of water... He didn't seem as concerned. Handsome prince didn't seem over concerned. I can't describe how that bothered me... No one wanted to make a connection between what I was experiencing and the water I just chugged. I went over in my mind... How easy was it for me to open that bottle? I had no reason to be super conscious at the time.. I was thirsty. I grabbed the water out of the fridge. I opened it. I chugged. I have had that same type water many times without issue. What is involved in having it checked out? Who do I go to? And I thought I'll hold on to it.. If there are any other reports, I can validate them... But what if someone is waiting for my report to validate? And why didn't anyone seem to give a shit? Then I thought.. Of course you can't have a person make such a claim and management responds without evidence.. We'd have too many false reports for manipulative reasons.. So, upshot is this. I wouldn't drink another sip from that bottle for a million dollars. It scared me. The strange strobe light did eventually subside, but I'm super glad I did not chug the whole thing! And it scares me to think what could have happened if I did. I'm glad I was not alone. I'm glad I wasn't driving. And since that occasion, I have not been able to purchase that brand of water... I think maybe just that one bottle was spiked with somethin.. But I'm not up for taking a second chance. -this is why we need evidence though, write. Entire industries and sales can so easily be influenced/impacted with one such scare... The bottle is going for research... I'll let you know the results.
NOTHING TOO EXPENSIVE for (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Don't miss these scenes! 1. So, I said to my handsome prince.. I said, "I need to talk to you.". And he gave me his undivided attention. I looked him write in the eyes and I said in a soft, calm, sexy voice, I said,"now..so far, to date, I've had to act like I'm jealous sometimes so you'll know I love you. But! Now that you do know that I love you, I don't have to act jealous anymore.". -and he liked that idea. At first. He said something like, "well, you sometimes take it to the extreeeeme." and then I reassured him that I thought I had to act that way so he would know I love him. -and I repeated "but I don't need to do that anymore.". He said, "well, I don't mind if you get a little jealous here and there... Just not extreme. And I made a covenant with both God and my handsome prince that I would not be or act jealous anymore. Period. The end. 2. We we're talking about living together one day in the future. Just tossing around hopes and dreams for a house one day...would we still be compatible.. The creative artist and the engineer.. And as we were talking I glanced over at my glass on the nightstand... It was 3/4 full of a diluted, melted Margarita on the rocks poured the night before. I pointed to it and said to him.."if that doesn't piss you off there is a chance we might be able to live happily ever after,". Because if you read my pepsi explosion story then you'll know this vice has not left me; or me it. I still rarely finish a drink whether it's soda or alcohol or coffee or water. I accept this vice in myself.. I need others to accept it also.. Not turn it into a human felony. I really don't think we are supposed to go for perfect; I think we are supposed to go for humanitarian. Anyway.. Sometimes I have entertaining visions of people at my funeral.. "she was terrible! An awful human being! Always wasting something.. Half a root beer! Almost an entire glass of petite sirah! ..and they show pictures for evidence...look at this! There was still coffee in that mug! Big fat waster. Thats what SHE was!". - and sometimes I've been tempted to sneak and pour out the rest of my margarita or sake or whatever it is, so my handsome prince will think I drank the whole thing.. But I realize I'd rather be a big fat waster than a hide and sneaker.. So, I just let it stay on the table or the night stand -all out there in the open for judgement. He told me he just won't buy anything expensive that way he won't get so upset. And that's a good rule of thumb if you love me. Nothing too expensive.
WHAT IS PERFECT LOVE? asks (me!) Sandra, tvgp
So, as I mentioned in my departing Seattle post, the current class in spiritual school I'm enrolled in is: perfect love casts out all fears. And I know a deep and full understanding of this **truth is a mandatory pre-requisite for whatever the next level is... So, I've been in study. Part of my study of course includes then.. Answering the question, what is perfect love? Cuz i have no need to study what fear is, i already have a PhD from that university. So, my homework includes reading 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. And 1 Corinthians 13:13. Which naturally leads to studying the entire book, write. ** = truth as another spiritual law. Remember I wrote about that in my departing Seattle post also... What qualifies as a spiritual LAW; it is applicable to all of humanity, no person or religion can claim it as their own. There is no exclusive club or potential monopoly. -like love, truth is applicable to all of humanity. With so much gratitude in my heart for all that Jesus is teaching me... The empowering visions, the sweet whispers of wisdom and encouragement, the love notes and signs... To the whole world I wish you a merry Christmas.
HANDMADE WITH LOVE by (me!) sandra, tvgp for (hph!)
M is for Merry, C is for Christmas, E is for Effort, by (writeousmom! taryn! toree!)
"GOOD MORNING WORLD" from (me!) sandra, tvgp
"GOD IS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS -TODAY!!" says (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Dear God... You saw what happened recently with hostess, write. How people practically ignored them on the grocery store shelves until it became headline news that hostess was going out of business... Then sales skyrocketed! And their market value went way up! And I know you know about the recent shooting.. And how gun and ammunition sales are skyrocketing write now! As I type this... Because people are concerned new upcoming gun laws will restrict their availability. This is the America you bless. If you can't beat 'em join 'em, write. So.. That leads quite naturally to what I hope will become headline news: "GOD IS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. - TODAY!". And according to some very tried and true marketing research... This WILL result in the flock we've all been waiting for... Do I hear a hallelujah and "amen!"
INTRODUCING MR. & MRS. MARIO ZAMORA <----- that's (me!) sandra, tvgp
before my parents panic -let me explain
we are not legally, governmentally bound by contract
we are spiritually married. and i assure you, that carries way more value.
after all, i've said, "until death (please do) us apart" twice now, in front of a live audience of friends and family and God and everybody
and did i mean it? obviously not.
i could not take myself serious saying those vows a 3rd time, and i wouldn't expect anybody else to take me serious either
but -i am already married to my handsome prince of sexiness in my heart.
that is.. what is left of my heart at age almost 46, with 2 divorces under my belt.. one canceled engagement, several failed romantic relationships...
etc., /mr. etc., being the greatest heart break of all
in essence.. i have no interest in any other man on the planet. i am in love. i am commited. i am grateful to God for bringing us together
i feel lucky. blessed. happy. hopeful.
and my whole -that is, what is left of my heart.. all of what is left lights up everytime he walks into a room, or sends me a text, or calls me on the phone..
everytime i think of him. imagine him.
and we many differences.. but, we are amazingly compatible. i hope i don't have to look any further.
is my love unconditional? absolutely not.
so, included in our longer, more personal, romantic and spiritual vows, we each said the following, as we exchanged matching cross rings from sterling works on december 18th, in the kitchen of his apartment here in pleasanton
"...in sickness and in health; but not infidelity..."
my criteria has never changed
i remember pre-marital classes with my 2nd ex-husband before we were married.. when the priest asked about infidelity.. and forgiveness
i said, "i'd divorce him"
priest looked very concerned. like, if you can't handle that, you shouldn't be getting married. -sometimes it happens, you need to be able to forgive
i said, "i'd have no problem forgiving him. "
priest looked confused
i said, "but that forgiveness would take place outside of the marriage."
because, people are very confused about forgiveness.
it is not a synonym for accept/condone
and it is not a synonym for no consequences.
and i know in my heart, that i in fact, could and would forgive. but i would not remain in that relationship. i would move on
trust in paramount.
but.. i also refuse to micro manage.. check instant message records, facebook, texts.. emails.
that is an ugly, awful way to live.
i ask God to reveal character. when you do this, you don't need to micro-manage, or hire a private eye..
because trust with God is paramount also.
and so.. all that known, and understood.. we exchanged our spiritual vows. plan to have our rings blessed by pastor mike
and that will have to do. because i cannot legally marry a 3rd time. feels like too much of a joke.
-if legal marriages guaranteed -anything.
if they guaranteed anything, i might be interested. but they guarantee absolutely nothing.
what is in your heart.
this is the only real thing.
and in my heart, i am married to my handsome prince -in the way, before it became so corrupted, -what marriage used to mean
"i love you!"
and love you more.
it may appear at first, that i am hypocritcal in this area, but in fact, i am sincerely happy for my friends/family who legally marry
will be genuinely, authentically happy for my children when and if they marry one day..
it's just not for me.
i have no interest in diamonds.
my track record is not very good.
1st wedding ring: pawn shop post divorce for a record $40.
canceled engagement ring: returned by request to former fiance
2nd wedding ring: out the window on highway 1 during a fight.
like legal marriages... diamonds and rings guarantee nothing.
they mean very little.
it is only what is in your heart that matters.
isn't that romantic.
"GOD NEEDS MORE SOLDIERS" says (me!) writeousmom
But I said it from a different room in the house so my son didn't hear the whole thing.. He said, "you want me to join the army?". I said, I'm not talking about the U.S. Military, I'm talking about God.. The world. God needs more soldiers... More light in the world, more caring, loving people... Lights in the darkness.". And by now we were in the same room and could see each other eye to eye. He agreed. And we both knew the conversation was born from the sandy hook shooting. PBH: one thing that makes me especially proud, is that I have children of God.. From God; for God. -this did nothing to shake my faith.. It only serves to remind me how much more we need God in our lives. All of us. PBH: "one of the most fascinating transformations I've both experienced and witnessed in human beings," I told my daughter, "is to watch people go from the worst suffering imaginable.. Turn away from God in pain and anger... But fast forward 10, 20, 30 years.. And these exact same people sometimes become God's greatest saints. It has happened over and over and over... Too many people to even count.". -and my daughter agreed. She knows it's true. -she knows as a teenager, what it took me several decades to comprehend. -this is not the end of this story.. This shooting. It is a tragic chapter... Gods first responders are on the scene.. And what emotional distance, age and time and experience and study give me the advantage to realize is this: God can -and WILL- work ALL things, including this tragedy, For the good, of those who love him. This tragedy must be entrusted to God. The other thing that, emotional sensitivity, along with age and time and experience and study gives me the advantage to know is this: no one directly impacted can receive this message write now. Nor should anyone try to force feed it. But I point out in closing.. There is only one appropriate response to those in agony and that is love. -and what is God? ..for all those suffering, I pray.. For all victims of violent crimes..in the mass media shadows.. Who died and will die one by one and not part of a mass murder.. I pray.. for more soldiers in Gods army.. More light and love in the world.. I pray.. In Jesus name I never stop praying... In love, with love, more love...
The Heart Seen dot com.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
The Heart Seen dot com
we are scheduled to launch february 2013. (oh! i spy my lucky number)..
and i just want to thank everyone in advance for their contributions... it takes a certain eye, a certain passion and determined desire to capture the heart seen... especially the fleeting ones
which turn out to be some of my favorites.. but i love them all. the permanent ones we can go revisit... landmarks of love.
in any case.. i'll be blogging less in the coming weeks... giving all my time/attention to a successful launch.
to join TheHeartSeen -in the interim, while our website is under construction... you can email your photos to TheHeartSeen@comcast.net
send photos to
The Heart Seen
P.O. Box 732
Pleasanton, CA 94566
with love.. to all the heart hunters
"PROBLEM SOLVED!" by (me!) Sandra, tvgp
We were just havin this conversation over at squidmann's blog... How often the song gets remembered, the singer, but not the person who wrote the lyrics. How often you know the quote, but not who said it.. So. I'm gonna write a song with our names write in it! ..my mama didn't raise know fools.. I'm workin' on it write now. -for Christmas... Second most popular song to jingle bells. -which means of course, fungus is in it too.
ON THE RUN a poem, by, (me!) Sandra, tvgp
ORIGINAL POST 12/03/2012:
I was sentenced in my youth by public opinion, "unbeautiful!"
Thrown in the slammer of physical expectations.
"But! I'm innocent!" I cried.
-and still served more than 20 years.
I was not paroled or released.
Remain at large.
Hiding from and dodging all the physical expectations that hunt me... That want me..
Back in prison.
Where the only time a woman can stand.. Is accused of being not enough.
I was not released. I escaped.
And my freedom, which IS my survival, demands I run;
Fast! In the opposite direction.
TIPS FOR BARTENDERS from (me!) sandra, tvgp
i'm not going to get the details write, but goes something like this:
he has this story he loves to share from days gone by.
he's divorced, in his 30's i think, and out in san francisco galavantin' around with a bachelor friend of his
they befriend this coulple from (the midwest?)in a pub -a doctor and his wife..
offer to take their picture
and then share with this young, innocent couple from the midwest, how they are professional pantyhose salesmen..
and then the b.s. just gets thicker as the night (and drinking) progress.
they way my dad tells it /which is much better than i'm doing here..
they also convinced this couple that they were photographers for playboy magazine..
and i'm sure the retelling of this story over the years has increased the spice-factor..
my dad just laughs and smiles as he retells this story.. so proud of himself for completely bullshitting this couple
in his most recent retelling, i said, "hey dad..
what makes you think he was really a doctor from the midwest?"
without meaning to, i completely (but temporarily) drained all the flavor from one of his favorite stories
"oh, no, no, no," he tells me.. "they were innocent. we had 'em hook, line and sinker"
it's commonly said you can't bullshit a bullshitter
and less said, but equally fun
to let a bull shit sometimes
without noticing the odor.
let's call this, "tips for bartenders"
TABLE TOP PIANO, by sandra, ttgp
in the rich house i saw a piano
a piano not once played
used only as a table top
where pictures are displayed ~in suede or leather frames
in the poor house lived a young boy
longing fingers; much to say
songs to compose, music to share
but no piano 'round to play ~and for lessons, couldn't pay
in the rich house i saw a swimming pool
sparkling water still and blue
so beautiful to look at
which is all that you're to do ~ "look at that beautiful swimming pool!"
on the poor house lawn were children
running through the sprinklers
oh how they would love to splash
and swim, and plug their noses and dive to the bottom of the pool to find pennies, and pretend that they are mermaids, or sharks, and cannon-ball off the side of the pool, and get yelled at like this... "walk. don't run! the cement is slippery, i don't want you to get hurt now" and dry off on a great big fluffly towel under the sun with snacks and drinks nearby... then jump back in whenever they wanted
oh how they would love to splash ~ and swim the day away; with friends.
at the rich house i saw four cars
but three were never driven
three unused cars for just in case
now, that's some kind of livin'!
at the poor house, shoes and passes
for walks to bus or train
yellow plastic coats and boots
umbrellas for the rain ~ "$3.52 a gallon!" don't hear them complain.
in the rich house i saw lots of books
with matching leather covers
alphabetized and organized
-not by an author lover!- ~ who reads by size or color?!
in the poor house, dated magazines
a library book or two
hungry minds, big appetites
for stories that are new ~books owned and loved; not due.
in the rich house, cleaned by maidens
many objects to observe
crystal designs so shiny they blind!
shout, "see what i have earned!" ~ see in college what i learned!
in the poor house, small but tidy
family pictures line the hall
in wal-mart frames, big smiles remain
shout, "i love you one and all!" ~ keep your chin up and walk tall
in the rich house, pride and prejudice
aversion to the weak
mistaken thought, that what they've got
is what every person seeks ~ but this is mine for keeps! i earned it!
in the poor house, hopes and wishes
for a better life with more
piano's, pools, books and transporation
a better life with more
~just one car, not four
~their very own musical score!
~to swim with friends galore
~own books bought from a store!
a better life, a better life, a better life with more.
and i wish you all a better life
a better life with more
to everyone who's hurting
knocking softly on hopes door
and i wish sometimes that i
-me- that i could even out the score
and give to the poor thought rich
the wealth of the rich but poor
so that everyone, poor or rich
everyone rich or poor
can manifest, become your best
~know a better life with more.
by sandra, the traveling gypsy poet. final touches, may 24th, 2006. spell check edits...that's wal-mart, not wallmart and who's, not whose... by favorite blogger friend, len stegmann.thank you.