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ACT ONE SEEN TOO -JEALOUSY by (me!) sandra, tvgp

k

i'm not going to say exactly who, exactly where or exactly why -all i'm going to tell you is that one day not too long ago

some pretty thing sm;iled a little too long, a little too directly, and little too flirtatiously at my handsome prince

that is "MY!" -handsome prince i thought to myself, -go find your own

anyway

then i looked at how my handsome prince responded

and you'll never guess what he did...

oh, i wish you couldn't guess, but of course everyone on planet earth can easily guess exactly how he responded

he smiled a little too long, a little too directly and a little too fliratiously back! -that bastard

so i looked again at her... i looked again at him

i'm like.. are these two flirting with each other, like directly in front of me write now.. why, they've both forgotten i'm even standing write here

excuse me.. i'm standing write here..

but that is not even the worst of it.. the worst of it, is that i glanced around the entire environment -a public place, that's all i'm saying

and i caught eye contact with a man who was staring write at me. and in an instant, i knew two things

1) this man, like me, can read facial expressions -even the most minute (my-noot)

2) this man, a total stranger.. he just caught me being jealous. -how utterly embarrassing is that. in fact, this tilts over from embarrassing to humiliating

everyone knows a confident woman of God is never jealous -write.

oh, i HATE being jealous. it's awful, awful, awful... but being caught being jealous... much worse.

so -

i said to God, i said.. "hey Jesus.. listen... you either need to help me end this jealously thing or you need to give me a poker face

but don't humiliate me by making me deal with both -okay. i mean, my God. cut me some slack.

thank you. hallelujah and amen."

****

gets worse!

***

handsome prince hops on a plane again, takes off out of town...

yeah..

like that's not suspicious...

and so he's kind enough to call me.. /because, you know.. otherwise it would be too obvious

and so he calls me

and i go, "so where are you?" -and then.. guess what. he draws a blank.

yeah

doesn't even know where he is.. can't quite come up with a name of a place, says to me.. "can i get back to you on that one"

OH M G

gets even worse!!

we talk a little more and he concludes that call with this.. not -"i love you" but,

"take care"

and i held that cell phone in my hand for a long minute and stared into it.. and looked up at the heavens, and back down at the phone

and i said to that phone, and to the universe "did he just say, take care?!"

and he called back.. denied he ever said it... insisted he never said it... and i thought to myself... oh, please don't be a great liar


please don't be one of those men capable of doing something directly in front of someone and simultaneously denying that you're doing it

i've met enough of those, thank you

i sent my thoughts to the heavens.. who sent this man to me?! God or the devil? whose work is this? a trap or blessing, trap or blessing..

so, i said, "listen. i'm driving. can't talk on the cell phone write now (i do not have a blue tooth) but, take care. take care, take care..." and hung up

he calls back

and when i was parked (because really, i can't afford my bills so i sure can't afford a ticket) - isaid to him

"you can redeem yourself by telling me that you love me" -and it didn't exactly spill forth from his mouth the way i needed

but eventually... after a short song and dance

he decided to say out loud how much he loved me.. how he's crazy about me

and we both said "i love you's" and then hung up. -and i got back to cleaning my writeousmom~mobile

and he got back to whatever he was doin'. /which, really... without google, how would i ever really know...

***

and i think to myself, i think

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?! WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME?!? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

i mean, certainly, if you're the only woman in the room, and you have a man's cock in your mouth.. well then.. pretty easy to say things like, i love you

but..

like a child, who tests their parents love... (do you love me even though i accidentally broke your favorite vase? do you love me if i get a bad grade? do you still love me when the neighbor child gets an award and i don't? do you love me when i make mistakes?)

the same way a child tests..

as an adult in love i test.. i wonder... i test ... i wonder

do you love me when i'm bloated and about to start my period?

do you love me if i gain weight?

do you still love when my grey roots are showing?

do you love me when i'm not in the room?

do you love me when i'm home looking sick and tired (because in fact, i am sick and tired) but you're on a business trip and some pretty thing is inviting you into her -room

do you love me then? is it, just in between other opportunities? until someone better comes along?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME

like, how condentional? how -based on current circumstance? how.. when it's going write and well vs. when it's being tested?

cuz' i'm in the market for a man who LOVES me all the time..

who demonstrates that love, even when i'm not around, even when he thinks no one else is looking..

and if i've learned nothing else

i've learned this: ignore men's words and pay attention only to their actions.

but..

well, let's throw out everything i wrote earlier about trusting God to reveal a man's true character..

i'm gonna hire myself a spy

how else can we truly know with all the bullshit, scum bag, cheatin, ego-feedin', narrsistic, greedy, liars that populate this world


the shit that goes on behind closed doors... -and these days.. the shit that goes on write in front of you!


then i say.. "oh Jesus.. please forgive me. help me. save me. thank you. hallelujah and amen"


then i think.. good thing i'm only spiritually married 'cuz i'm not askin' anyone's permission if i need to leave.

/see how far i've come.


sad but true.

love is easy; trust is hard.

posted by she @ 9:13 AM