"ALOHA SQUIDMANN" from (your favorite calendar company!)
dear mr. leonard stegmann
our records show you are the most loyal customer of the naked hawaiian girl calendar.
we are happy to inform you we have returned to publishing your favorite calendar again.
due to the current state of the economy, however,
we've had to cut back on things like islands, professional photographers and exotic hawaiian models for every month of the year
but -do send us a check
as you can see
this is an emergency.