AMAZING MOM/MESSY HOUSE by (me!) sandra, ttgpi cleaned my kitchen and my refrigerator today. and it is far less than i hoped, but more than i accomplished yesterday
and when cleaning becomes so difficult, i remember the drugs i took after my baby boy was born.. legal, prescribed, drugs that accomplished two amazing things 1) helped me lose weight 2) helped me clean the house
and if i could take those drugs everyday (this is the problem you see.. you start thinking like that.. every.day. drugs everyday) i'd be skinny with a spotless house and fit write in with today's standards for house wife and mother of the year.
and i'd still be married probably, because when i took those drugs, the counters looked bran new, the vacuum stripes in the carpet ~ the envy of professionals ~ bills paid! papers organized! and laundry..
not only was my laundry sorted, separated, washed, dried.. it was folded, hung, and put away according to season and color and size!
i was skinny AND amazingly productive! -but then, the drugs started to lose their power-
one didn't do it. needed one and a half. then two. and i could see i was headed for disaster.
but God they were effective! i remember waking up, taking care of morning routines for my two little ones, playing for a little while, getting them fed, dressed, in a safe place to play, and hang out..
and then needing to rest. like, -that was it- i was tired already. but there was so much more to do.. i needed non-stop energy for two kids, ALL DAY, AND a husband, AND a house
and knowing that, i would just lay there... just lay on the bed... lay on the bed, in the bed, unless i was specifically needed to address a cry, change a diaper or prepare a snack
until i took one of those magical pills! ~ wah lah ~
she pops out of bed, prepares three meals, cleans counters, pushes the kids in the swing, takes three phone calls, vacumms with one hand, holds child in the other, recites nursery rhymes..
i did it all PLUS helped my neighbors.
but the pills started losing their potency, and my blood pressure was at -near death- when i tried to get my prescription refilled
death or divorce? death or divorce?
i really had to think about it for a while. i could not -COULD NOT- get even half the things accomplished without the pills that i could with them
it is an energy, i learned through this experience, that cannot be self-manufactured no matter how well you eat or exercise. it can ONLY be achieved through pharmaceuticals.
and i can see why drugs are so prevalent and so dangerous here in this community; in this day and age
because the expectations placed on both men and women are way outside realistic.
once i was able to lower my expectations and place them closer to a drug-free reality... to accept and celebrate what little i did accomplish each day
i really came to a place of personal happiness and acceptance. when i stopped trying to meet the unrealistic expectations of others
when i shifted my priorities away from super-wife, super-mom, super crafter
away from super anything. (they'll have to settle for amazing).
and i think, every now again, how even though my blood pressure registered near death when i went asking for a refill prescription, i still wanted more.
your brain gets highjacked that way..
and so i'm VERY GRATEFUL my doctor denied me. "you're gonna make me go find something in the streets?" i asked him, all pissed off and scared to death
and i half thought about that too... even though my blood pressure registered near death, there were a few moments (hours?) i thought, if he doesn't refill my prescription i'll go find some guy on the corner who will!
but, thank God, i came to my senses; slowly.
and i'm alive as a result i think. i'm not skinny. i don't have a sparklin' house. i'm divorced. i don't get nearly as much done
but God am i a hell of a lot happier AND healthier living life at my own pace and my natural weight.
these past couple days.. i can't describe how stifled/stumped i feel... how painfully, drastically, UNmotivated..
and it's not like it's hard labor or anything. it's all so doable.. squirt here, wipe there, sort here, organize there, dust there, vacuum here, laundry, dishes, papers, papers, papers, bills..
but i just look and want to cry sometimes. want someone else to come do it. i've done it one thousand million times, and it takes 12 hours and it lasts 10 fucking minutes.
that's why i love to write i think.
oh! to go back and see it's still there, my story, just as i left it.. something that lasts.
anyway.. i look at the mess i have ahead, and often whisper out loud, - need those drugs! i'd have this place cleaned up in no time! -
but what good is a clean house if mom's dead?
and so i just do a little.. just a little somethin'... like the dishes, cleaning out the refrigerator
and then i go "WOW! SANDRA.. LOOK AT THAT! YOU ARE AMAZING!"
and i open the door to my clean refrigerator several times to admire my own work and sing my own praises
and then treat myself to more reading...
my favortie reward.
and you know what i love about books? i love that when you sit down, with a book in your lap, and a drink to your side,
and you open to the page saved by your lovely book mark (or folded page)
the only thing you see on that page is WORDS of the story, by the author.
NO POP UP ADDS COME BOUNCING OUT, no scroll of words is distracting you at the bottom of the page, no commercials are fighting for your attention, no little forms are falling out left and write, like they do from magazines. no dancing, animated, anythings! books are heaven...
just relevant words, by the author, on a beautiful page. that's it.
and i finished barack obama's book today. the upshot, is that my respect and admiration has only deepened. i have him on a pedestal i believe he has earned, and at the same time, know that he is human, flawed, and evolving.
and he made his announcement today for vp: biden.
and here is the only thing i know of biden: that over the years, i've channel surfed and landed occasionally on political shows of one kind or another
and very often the politician i land on, and listen to, will say something so stupid, in my opinion, and in under 10 minutes of watching/listening, that i have no choice but to change the channel and as fast as i can
but - on the occasions i channel surfed, and accidentally landed on biden - i could always watch for more than ten minutes
how'd this normal, reasonable man sneak through the cracks? i'd wonder
and that's all i know, but i have an appetite now to learn more, and think we may in fact have a dream team in our american hands.